Marriage problems?

Question

Me and my wife have been married for four years. We fight every single day. We haven't had sex for over 3 years. We don't sleep together. I work overnight she works days.She has told me numerous times that she hates me and wish she never married me. She is always trying to change me. I smoke and I like to go out an have a couple of beers 1 night a week on one of my days off. She thinks I am going to hell. She wants me to quit but she knew how I was when were dating and she had no problem with it then. We went to counseling that didn't work. She is very religous and I am not. I am a Christian but I am more open than she is. I have tried to get a divorce but can't because we got a covenant marriage there are several restrictions. I have told her to leave but she wont. The house is in my name and I don't want to leave she will let it foreclose she can't afford it. What should I do?

here is a link to covenant marriage and the restrictions
http://www.arkleg.state.ar.us/ftproot/bills/2001/htm/HB2039.pdf

I have talked to a lawyer and she doesn't want sex. She thinks you should only have sex if you are having kids. We don't have kids. I don't want to have kids with her I think she is bipolar I don't want to raise kids with her.

I don't go to the bars we go out to eat once a week and I order beer with my dinner she goes with me

I have never once asked her to change. I am trying to make it work I don't believe in divorce I have tried to quit smoking I can't I think people should accept each otehr no matter what and not try and change them

We went to counseling that didn't work its not going to get better. I hate divorce but I can't stand living with her. As far as being a Christian everyone sins. She will only have sex if it is to have a baby she will only have sex in the missionary position she doesn't believe in oral sex that is what I meant as being more open. I think when you aer married you should be able to ahve sex however you want as long as it is with each other and not other people.

When we were dating everything was great she had no problems I have not changed. We went to clubs and listened to bands which I like to do she seemed to enjoy it now I don't do it because she thinks bars are evil. she ahd no problem with me having a couple of beers and smoking I explained that it is very hard to wuit and she said she understood and that she accepts me no matter what but now that we are married that has all changed

Answer 1

What were you thinking...yikes; anyway look at this site, seems like even in a convenant marriage there is a way out


If partners enter a covenant marriage, they would not be able to divorce until they are separated for at least two years. People could get stuck in marriages and be unable to continue with their lives even when the marriage has produced no children and the spouses have no significant assets to divide. Also, covenant marriage lays the burden of proof on the spouse who files for divorce. A judge must be convinced that grounds for divorce actually exist. In addition, although a covenant marriage can be dissolved because of a felony conviction, a partner’s string of misdemeanours is not grounds for divorce

oh, and get a good lawyer, they can find loopholes in any contract

Answer 2

Wow that law is some heavy-duty stuff. Spend a few bucks and go spend 1/2 an hour with a REPUTABLE divorce lawyer. Explore the possibility that you get a judicial separation. If the wife won't agree to move out, and she can't afford to keep the house, might be that the judge orders her out during the separation period. However, the judge also might order you to continue paying for some (or all) of the mortgage, or order you to sell the house outright.

As an alternative (and this would take some serious effort on your part), it might be that you could move to another state, establish residency there, and file for divorce. Point being, the other state's courts might not enforce the covenant marriage provision of Arkansas law. That's pretty drastic, and might not be practicable at all, but if you're considering it, you should also consult with an attorney in that state before moving.

Answer 3

Well, you could start by not spending time in the bars on your night off - talk about ignoring your wife - how do you expect to be treated with respect when you are not being very loving to your wife. Each spouse wants the other to change and they convince themselves that should that happen - everything will be fine. Step up to the plate and start treating her the way you did WHILE YOU WERE DATING - remember that? Why was she okay with it then - could it be that you made her feel like she was special to you and that you wanted to spend time with her? Why do you fight every single day when it doesn't even sound like you see each other? Either way, what are you fighting about? Just pointing at each other and blaming each other for your problems? Immature.

You are a more "open" christian then her - what does that mean? That you don't agree with everything Jesus said so you pick and choose what to follow?

Here is what you do. Look in the mirror - there is your problem.

You made a commitment - honor it. Step up and be the first to act like a mature person. Your marriage will soon heal if you put some effort into it and act like a REAL christian.

Otherwise, take your wah, wah, wahing somewhere else. I'm a big baby cause things aren't the way I WANT THEM TO BE. WAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!! And I don't want to make any changes - just my spouse should change or I should be able to run away. Kindergarten behavior. Get real.

Answer 4

I read what is required for a covenant marriage and I don't think you guys read that document properly. You have made a commitment before man and God to make this work. Maybe your wife needs special counselling. If she did those things before marriage what has changed now. I really think a divorce is in order here but after she gets that special counselling and things does not work out.

Answer 5

I'd say you're screwed. According to the provisions set forth:
Unless you again try counseling, move out and continue to make the house payments for two years with the intent to move back into the house at the end of two years, get a judgment ending your marriage, prepare to pay alimony, make sure your intent to move back into the house after two years is in writing and notarized by both you and her, your only alternative is for her to commit a felony, be imprisoned, move out on her own, etc.
At any rate you are both miserable and only asking for a disaster by living under the same roof. Perhaps her pastor could make her see the useless way she is living and that there is more to life than what she is experiencing. She is not holding up her end of the bargain either.
Good Luck to the both of you and if you ever marry again, make it simple.

Answer 6

Wow, I read the link that you posted and I have to say that you guys obviously need more counseling. I think that if the first therapist/clergy person, etc. did not work well then find another. There has to be someone else that you both can talk to. You need to get to the root of the problem. I'm sure that she's not telling you that she hates you for no reason. Not that there is a real reason to "hate" someone.

I think you need to get help, I mean you took the time to file the appropriate paperwork, and couseling to get into this Covenant Marriage, so you should work just as hard to try to fix it.

Answer 7

By what I read you and her need some time apart. File for a legal separation. That should give you two time apart and time to think. If when you and her get back together talk about the separation and if you believe it would be a good idea to stay together or to go in your different direction. Try to do this w/o arguing it will be difficult but this discussion will determined your future with her. Good Luck

Answer 8

Having read through your latest postings, I offer you the following. Weigh out your wants and needs VS what she is now offering. Obviously, yours are nolonger being met. If you can live with this the rest of your life, then so be it. If on the other hand she absolutely refuses to ammend (yet again) her personal constitution -- she changed it after you said "I Do," then explain to her that God himself made her with the ability to enjoy sex. There is reason He gave women the ability to have multiple orgasms. So, what she is now doing is a sin. She is to love you as you love her and that, according to the Bible, is the way Christ so loved the church. For her to stand there and claim it is only for "ProCreation" is blasphemy. Standing on that platform as she does says loud and clear, that she does not love you as she should.
I too, do not believe in divorce, but I also understand that you cannot and should not stay in a one sided relationship. And yours my friend, is not only one sided, it is emotional abandonment and therefor, nothing more than a marriage of convenience.
What you are in, is a vicious cycle. The harder you try and the longer you staying in it, the more you invest and subsequently, lose should you pull the plug. How much should one invest? One should invest only as much as the other is willing to invest. What good is having a million dollars if you are starving to death and not allowed to spend it? When you can honestly look yourself in the mirror and say you've tried. Then it's time to pull that plug and move on with your life.

Answer 9

A great man once said: There is no Dominion. You are where you want to be, you are doing what you want to be doing, and you are with who you want to be with.

The best thing you can do is ask her if she wants to continue this way. If so, so be it. If not, then work together to figure out something that works for both of you. The golden rule applies: Do unto each other as you would have them do unto you. aka Treat them the way you want to be treated. Find out what makes them feel loved. Do not assume you know, because evidently you don't. Either of you. Let her know that freedom to worship as you choose is guaranteed by the US Constitution, and that you aren't worried about hell because it can't be worse than what you have now.

Answer 10

you can still get a divorce in a covenant marriage. i believe you must council beforehand though. why would you have a covenant marraige anyway? it seems kind of silly. if you truly want out, adultry is a sure way i hear. i know it sounds crazy but what else can you do. i understand that a covenant marraige is a legal thing, correct? i don't see why you would stay in this relationship if you are so different. sometimes things aren't meant to be.