Healing Seperation - Boundaries - Hope - How do I proceed?

Question

I have now confronted my wife of 7 years (4 kids) with her infidelity and we are in counseling. She is going to be on a trip for a week and a half with a Jr. High Group and one of our daughters. She is planning to get a inexpensive apartment to move into while she sorts out her problems and within the next three months begins to work with me to address ours. We still talk pleasantly, laugh, and parent our children. We support eachother and there is closeness there. However, she has had an affair. She has agreed to "No Contact" with the OM and is now getting a job. Obviously I feel like our future is very much on the ropes and I am not holding out much if any hope. However, all things being equal, I would rather reconcile and allow our children to be raised in a secure home. I am wondering what I need to be aware of while moving into this phase, how I should set and enforce boundaries and what I can do to insure the greatest chance at reconcilliation.

Oh, and the person that she had the affair with is NOT local...if that helps any. There are some online relationships that also have been moved into the NC category as they were innapropriate.

As to the happy vs. facade of a marriage, I agree...we have had 6.5 years of a "good" marriage, although a bit codependent, which is part of what we are working on with the counselor. I don't want her out of obligation, I want to be with her out of choice... and I guess that the distance of seperation would help facilitate the feeling of choice vs. feeling imprisoned. I have told her lately, it is your choice, you want to go, I will survive. I feel that the last 3 months have been very challenging and dissapointing, but there are good years and bad years in all long term relationships...it is a question of if we are each both willing to do the work to nurture the relationship moving forward. ...for what it is worth. She has some personal issues to face first, as if they don't get addressed, it is going to be tough to "fix" our problems, if they do, I feel that it will be a lot easier.

Answer 1

Emotionally, a very difficult proposition. You sound quite mature about it all and while you may try to forgive, how do you forget. Can she ever really regain trust? Personally, I could not make it work and would have to let the marriage go.

While I respect your consideration for your children's well being, they deserve to be in a secure home, which is not a facade of happily married parents. There are plenty of well adjusted kids of divorced parents. Being honest with them about real life issues is important.

Additional comment:

Since you addressed my point; I submit that you likely know in your heart your direction. It is a matter of choice, but the choice isn't just hers. Because she set the table, more so now, the choice is yours to make.

A situation where she is set up to succeed or fail, while remaining living under the same roof; I'm not sure how to measure, or manage that? How is she accountable to further trust, without being held hostage, so to speak?

Physical separation brings a true and clear matter of choice. You may find that it is better living appart, each with their independence, while sharing and parenting the kids. In fact, if she has 'other issues', she may be better able to address those on her own, aside from marital pressue. If ever the two of you decide to get back together, then it would truly be a matter of choice, where the chance of success is real.

One more thing; You seem like a pretty smart guy, and nothing against the Dr. Phil's of the world, however, while some counselors are very good at what they do...let's realize that they do this for a living. It is in their best interest to keep your situation in motion, as a work-in-progress. Rather, I am a fan of swift identification, and doing what needs to be done. The drama is what hurts the kids. Example: Counselor is divorced with a child who is going to high-end, private school. So, who is paying for that? You and me, right...

Answer 2

There really is no way to "enforce" any boundaries or rules you set, but the two of you should agree on certain rules and abide by them (like no dating others, no lies, etc). The counselor could help you with this area. Also I would say don't reconcile "just for the kids". That plan eventually falls apart if you two don't really love each other because you both would be "looking and waiting" for the time when you could move on and may be tempted into affairs again. Also kids aren't stupid, and if you immediately split up after the last one goes to college they will realize that the whole "happy" family scenario they grew up with was a lie and they would probably resent you for it. Two separate parents who are happy is better than a unit that is "tolerating" the situation for a specific period of time. I also personally feel that her moving out is the WORST possible choice for you tow if you are supposed to be working on saving the relationship, this seems to me to be her way of creating some space between you two so in a few months she can say she's thought about it and she's better off without you, but that's just my opinion and the way I see it, again have you two discussed this with your counselor? I marriage is the hardest job you will ever have, but the one with the best possible benefits - are you both willing to put forth the effort to keep this job and maybe get a promotion - (a better marriage)? Good luck to you and God Bless.

Answer 3

You have children and you are thinking of their well being and that is great. Too bad, your wife was not thinking about that when she had an affair. On that note, you need to ask yourself if you are truly in love with her. and you need to ask her, if she is truly in love with you..because if she is not, she will do it again and again. and staying for the kids' sake is never a good idea. Why did she cheat on you in the first place? only you can answer that. in the end, you must think what is the best for you...if you do you will also be the best parent you can be. a happy man makes a happy parent. good luck

Answer 4

Thats great that you can communicate still..... Many couples get angry and distance themselves. I give you credit for being being so mature! First off 4 kids are involved in this so they're are many who will affected.
First off be aware that she knows what she did was WRONG..
Secondly...was there a reason that she went outside the marriage?
Was she lacking attention? Or just curious?
If it was the attention part..make sure you are willing to make her feel loved.... I'm sure she is regretting what she did. Raising 4 kids is tuff i'm sure. Setting boundaries is a good idea but you don't want to make her feel suffocated... but if she really wants to make it work she will take it upon herself to set boundaries for herself. She is going to have to start from the bottom to rebuild the trust! It seems to me that you really want this to work and it can. just look forward..put the past behind you and look forward...Good Luck and God bless..

Answer 5

Sounds like you have a whole lot of issues to work out and get settled in counseling. Boundaries are good in all relationships.

Answer 6

Well, as much as we all would like to be able to control others we can't....the only boundaries you can set are the ones for yourself; i.e., I won't put up with this type behaviour, etc. She has to want to reconcile. Wish you both the best!

Answer 7

You have a lot of Drama going on, good luck with that.

Answer 8

Counseling and communication.
I hope you work it all out

Answer 9

Dude,that is way too much.
Just let time work it out.
Trust....I could not,but maybe you can.