My poem- any suggestions?

Question

When I see fire-
flies I get excited
and wish I could light
up, too.

Answer 1

The others are ignorant.
Poems can be very short.
These poems are in the form called MONOSTICH. It's a poem that relies heavily on its Title, and can consist of a single line.

i.e.

Coward
by A. R. Ammons
Bravery runs in my family.

Or, poems just need a few carefully chosen lines:

You fit into Me
by, Margret Attwood
You fit into me
like a hook into an eye
a fish hook
an open eye


I think your poem is more about smoking (cigs, pot) and less about the insects that are offering your encouragement.
The only suggestion I have is to drop the word "light"down to the last line with "up, too"

also, Find a stong title for you poem. A good title is worth its wieght in gold.

Answer 2

Good but incomplete. You see fireflies and wish you could light up. Light up WHAT, for example?! Why do you need to light anything up? What's wrong with it? And who are you and what's your role in there.

I think that's what makes a poem a poem and not just a line. Short, ofcourse, but powerful and meaning-laden too. An example: there is a story in the bible about Jesus telling his disciples that they are the light of this world. Because the world is dark and people don't know where they are going (and end up stumbling) because they don't have a light. Got the idea?! There is a bit of problem with the flow too. However, when you have more (illuminating) ideas to add to it, you'd not need to butcher the lines the way you did here. If it were mine, it'd have probably started with:

Tiny fingers of light
dancing throughout
- the night
tickling the darkness
playfull ..
flirtious ..
.......
fireflies..

kind of thing, you know.

Answer 3

Actually it tells me a lot about you. Sounds like you are a shy person who wishes they could be more outgoing and more in the center of things - but don't split up the word fireflies. When I first read the first line, I thought you were a pyromaniac. And move the word light to the last line. There isnt anything wrong with short poems if that's what you want to say. You could make it longer as suggested, but sometimes short is powerful. I can understand the feeling of wanting to light up. And I happen to adore fireflies. Even at my "advanced age" I love spending summer evenings running barefoot across the lawn catching them. My 20 yr old son thinks Im NUTS. But there is just something that says summer to me when Im catching fireflies (and of course always letting them go) Pax - C.

Answer 4

You can add more lines to it such as:

"When I see fishes live in the sea
how I wish to also live under the sea
When I see birds fly in the air
how I want to fly day and night out there too
When I see trees sway with the wind how
I wish to dance too
When I see tigers how I wish to hunt
to live and play in the jungle"

You title will be: Living Things

Answer 5

wow...
i can definitely consider it as a poem because poem doesn't depend upon the no. of lines. it depends upon the creativity of the poet.
Though ur poem is too small, it shoots me completely with ur first or last but the entire single line.

hands off!!!

Answer 6

Well,I suppose you have to start somewhere,I wouldn`t be so rude to say don`t give up the day job but,try, as a tip, rhyme words together to have a more balanced poem.Good luck.

Answer 7

well it first of all it doesnt sound like a poem more of a sentence. u gotta put more into it put some heart to it.

Answer 8

is that all?...............................well it's not really a poem. you need to add more lines to it. make it sound more interesting.

there's more missing but if you persevere you can do better.
trust me. (.^___^.)