Need some guidance - is my marriage all that bad??

Question

Currently pregnant with our 3rd child (2nd pregnancy in less than 2 years-if that's relevant), and feeling very despondent about my marriage. Our 2nd child was born a year ago - we'd talked about getting married before we were pregnant but he wasn't as keen as I was. However, as the pregnancy progressed he changed his views - we decided to marry once baby was born. Here's the thing - he never proposed- some might say that it's not a big deal - we were living together, had 2 children, etc, (I agree) problem is I really struggle with it. He knows how much I wanted and needed him to propose to me - there was ample opportunity, christmas, valentines day, my birthday even the birth of the baby - he knew how much it hurt - I cried many times. The problem now is I find I question my self worth 'does this man really love me like I love him' - I gave up a career that I studied at uni for 6 years for, moved county, etc to be a mother, wife and housewife.

We rarely go out once every 6- 7 months or so. I tell him it's the little things that tell someone of how you love them - but he doesn't understand that I do need some romance - a dinner alone once in a while, a picnic, something pointless and indulgent. He's not callous or uncaring - I have a beautiful home and he provides for the children and I very well - I can't understand why this is such a big deal. Am I obsessing about something pointless (sometimes it feels like my heart will break), is this pregnancy hormones, or is my husband just not putting enough effort in.

Please choose your answers carefully - and thanks to those who have taken the time to compose thoughtful and sensitive answers.

Sorry if I haven't made it clear, we are married now - we were married 6 months ago - he simply rang our priest and told me we were going to plan a date. He wanted a small wedding with no fuss - and that's what we had.

Answer 1

I think this is probably a combination of several things. I think that your hormones are probably making your feelings more intense, but these feelings have a reason for being there in the first place.

It sounds to me like your husband isn't putting forth much effort. Some guys really don't understand what their women need, but it sounds like you've told him specifically what you need and he still doesn't do anything about it. He's doing well providing for you and your children, but there is more to a relationship than financial support. He may be stressed at the thought of another child, he may be stressed at work, but he still needs to provide you the emotional support you need.

Talk to him about the way you feel. Don't attack him, he'll just get defensive. Tell him that you could really use some support right now, that you feel very lonely and that if would really help you if he would put forth a little effort showing you some emotion.

I think he does love you because he's spent so much time and effort providing a good life for you. Some people feel differently about proposals, I never really proposed to my wife, but the point is, if one person thinks something is important in a marriage, then both people need to acknowledge that.

Good luck, I hope he gives you what you need.

Answer 2

You've both been busy having babies. He loves you, may not show it in a romantic way, but he must to have married you and keep having children. I think you are just down about a lot of things, baby, your career, moving. If being proposed to would make you feel better, talk to him. Perhaps a second wedding after the baby is born, one that could lavish with all your family and friends. Let him know what you feel you are missing, he won't know otherwise. Get a sitter, plan a date night and when he gets home from work grab him by the arm and say come with me. Sometimes men and women get caught up in living the life they have and forget what its like to be spontaneous and outgoing. make the first move, might work out great.

Answer 3

This could partially be pregnancy hormones, but not all. He needs to be MUCH more considerate of you. He seems to marry you because you're having his baby. A simple wedding, no bid deal. He didn't even have to propose. I am sure that he cares about you, but he is probably still a single man in his own mind. He needs to learn to focus on the fact that he has a family now. Not just some people who happen to live in the same house as him. Tell him that he needs to be more considerate and pay more attention to you. Tell him that you love him, but he needs to return that love, not with money, but attention and caring.
But also when I said that it may be partially due to Pregnancy hormones. What I mean is that, although you are right about his attitude, your hormones are making you feel much more depressed about it than you would if you weren't pregnant.
So be careful and don't get to emotional when you talk to him. Otherwise, he'll just say that you are acting crazy because you are pregnant.

Answer 4

Sometimes men are not as romantic as other men
and do not show their true emotions towards their
mate. You say he does support you and the child-
ren and you have a home, so he is doing some-
thing. Although you lack some things that you want
him to do keep coaching him and have patience
and maybe he will change little by little. Catch him
on a good day and ask him to take you out to
have dinner or something like that. Your marriage
is not as bad as all that as all you have to do is
read the other marital problems here on the web.
My mother always told me to put life on a scale
and put your good parts and your bad parts of
life on that scale and you will probably find out that
the good outweighs the bad so therefore life is
not all that bad, so your marriage is not all that bad
if you use that scale and life can always be im-
proved just as a marriage can. You can work on
that with your husband in a sweet way as you know
him better than anyone else. Be patient and you
will reap your rewards. Good luck.

Answer 5

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Answer 6

Sounds to me thay your depressed because your life is a bit humdrum and monotonous and you feel taken for granted. Ok your husband didnt propose on bended knee the way you wanted him to, men are a bit obtuse sometimes to womens needs and have different priorities. But he DID marry you which to him proves his commitment and love to you more than a few seconds on his knees.
If he treats you and the children well dont throw away a good marriage looking for Mills and Boon romance. Real life is rarely like that. Enjoy yo ur children and appreciate your husbands good points rather than dwelling on the bad,
If you feel you need more appreciation and notice in your life you will have plenty of opportunities as the children grow older and you can return to work or do voluntary work etc.

Answer 7

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Answer 8

Hi,
No your marriage is not all that bad!! I think you know that, some men just don't pick up on our feelings and the ones that do are I think just exceptionally gifted human beings. Half the time we ourselves have no clue why we feel the way we do you seem to have given up an awful lot to be where you are now but if you would of stayed on your career track what would you have now? If you love this man and are doubting if he feels the same then surely the person you gave all this up for is the person to ask.Good Luck.xxx

Answer 9

I find your story sad. Some guys (I'm a guy) are totally insensitive. However, that said, you are as much to blame for your situation as he is. It takes two to tango! You should have thought about it before having his children.
Try pushing the issue - ask him straight out if he loves you, wants you to be his wife or just a plaything? Otherwise if he comes home to you every night, doesn't treat you badly and is otherwise a good father and provider, leave it be.

If you really can't take it at an emotional level, seek a Professional Counsellor for help - they won't tell you what to do, they will help you decide what you want to do.

Answer 10

I understand that you feel like this, i would to! Is your husband unhappy at work? i have a friend who is sort of in the same situation, they never go out and shes feeling very fed up (her husband is very depressed at work) maybe a career change is needed, or a family holiday away (doesn't have to be abroad) could you plan a weekend break for just you and your husband to have some 'you' time and a good chat. Remind your husband that its nice to make the effort even its its once every couple of months! hope everything works out for you