please can you give constructive comments on my poem, also could you please let me know if you can get the feeling i am trying to put across and if not why, many thanx for spending your time reading this poem
Dance
I love the way that you do wind
Envious eyes you do bind
Upon the dance floor you raise your hands
To the beat and all its demands
You swing your hips you can’t resist
To the beat you cannot miss
The music slows you sway with the sound
Smiling at me the dance partner you’ve found
Beat picks the tempo up once more
Encouraging us to stay on the dance floor
The lights blur as the sounds resonates
Within our souls and it insinuates
To move our bodies and dance away
All the troubles we we’ve had that day
2007-03-21 21:56:13 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous in Social Science ➔ Psychology
I like it and can see the woman....Only one little thing it rhymes too much at the end of each sentence....But that's just me commenting.
I really like it and can feel what you are saying....I like the body and soul thing, feeling the rhythm here it's good......I see a Latin woman here....
Musicdoes take you away .troubles, all of the everyday stuff, rhythym is a dancer man ...Keep dancing.....
2007-03-21 22:09:09 · answer #1 · answered by cesare214 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
please read my comment on your last poem posted and let me show you with this poem, which by the way is a far better poem how you can make it more fluid and make it a better poem.
Dance
I love the way you wind
Envious eyes you bind
Upon the floor you raise your hands
To the beat and its demands
You swing your hips, can’t resist
To the beat you cannot miss
The music slows you sway with sound
Smile at me the partner you’ve found
Beat picks the tempo up once more
Encourages us on the dance floor
The lights blur, the sounds resonates
Within our souls it insinuates
To move our bodies and dance away
The troubles we’ve had that day
Read through your poem as I have altered it and see if you prefer this than how you wrote it....
2007-03-21 22:17:07 · answer #2 · answered by wollemi_pine_writer 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I believe you might be trying a little to hard - When a song/poem can tell a story like your poem here is - you again need to " tighten it up " Fewer words - I did feel a flow to this poem - You'll want to bring a flowing sensation all the way to the end -
I do like the story your projecting
2007-03-21 22:36:41 · answer #3 · answered by pattijohughes 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
the first one is lovely, but it is more like pros,e and i get twitchy whenever people write a paragrapg and it is passed as poetry it needs some sort of rhythm.. In the incurable wave of sadness That eats at my soul, it can feel like I'm... Drowning. In the storms, and in the calm seas- My heart will sink. But when the sun comes out, And the shine of compassion meets the mist of my depression, The ensuing rainbow Raises my heart To the sky. your choice of words are captivating! ignore my changes if i have ruined it! the second one is beautiful, it is so swift, and, i dunno how to say it, so fair and sweet! and it is wordy, but somehow innocent! XXXXXXX keep it up! God bless!
2016-03-28 23:19:22 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
its having a feeling of a couple engroosed in a dance..it seems more to be a dance somewhere near a sea shore...a lot of feeelings in ti...they r so much into it....that they have forgotten their pains...nd dont want to stop dancing...wow it just goes something like this , never ending...
2007-03-23 03:23:15 · answer #5 · answered by snazzy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well its about enjoying someone far***g and enjoying dancing to pass the smell around. Not bad for your first attempt but you could have picked a different subject. lol
2007-03-21 22:11:20 · answer #6 · answered by mamgu....... 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like them both. I can get a really good picture of what you're trying say. And there's a good flow to both.
2007-03-22 14:21:02 · answer #7 · answered by PasoBrio13 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
you're trying to say that dancing is your way of forgeting the stress of the day......did i get it
2007-03-21 22:14:43 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
sorry but it sounds to me that you are confusing a dance with a f@rt.
2007-03-21 22:29:10 · answer #9 · answered by fleur 4 · 1⤊ 2⤋
I find it embarrassing and silly.
2007-03-21 22:04:32 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋