Getting over something traumatic..?

Question

I feel silly but I just have to get this out.Im having an extremely hard time getting over my first marriage.Im only 23 and about to become a divorcee.I met him at 19 he was 35 I trusted him,he brought me to 1500 miles away from my home to Colorado.I was married to him for 2 years.July weekend went to see a brother graduate took a 3 day bustrip home arrived exhausted,before my head could even touch a pillow he tells me hes cheated with a coworker over July 4th weekend hes kicking me out for her,boxes me up gives me the car and leaves me abandoned,homeless 1500 miles from home.Well its been 2 years since and I am still...enraged.I need some suggestions how do I get back to normal.I feel like theres a weight on my chest.When I see men I feel furious for no reason.All I can deal with now is strict isolation.Ive begun to grind my teeth in my sleep.I brood all day.How do I let this go once and for all.Any suggestions would help.

Answer 1

The first thing you have to come to terms with is the fact you can't change what happened. It's in the past and nothing you do will change it.

Secondly, you have to accept that it takes time to heal. Especially after being treated like this by a spouse. It's not something that goes away overnight.

Third, you need to take active steps to get on with your life. Maybe you take up a hobby. Maybe you go back to school - taking classes at a community college is easy and not very expensive. Maybe you go the the gym and work on getting in shape. The exercise is a great stress release and you will help your self confidence by improving your health and figure.

Don't try dating until you have put this behind you. Seek comfort from friends and family. But don't let yourself fall into a bad relationship with someone just because you are seeking comfort and stability. Odds are you will be looking for the wrong things and won't find someone who is truly compatible.

Lastly, try to avoid becoming bitter. Focus your anger on your ex-husband and what he did to you. In fact, you could even try to forgive him and let it go. Assuming you don't have any kids with him you can completely sever ties and you don't ever have to see him again.

Just remember that most men are not like your ex-husband. Even if you avoid dating for years to come, don't let yourself be mean to the guy who offers a complement or offers to open a door for you.

I've been dealing with a lot of pain and anger over the way I was treated by my ex-wife. It's been 7 years next week since we split up and it's only been in the last couple years that I can honestly say I've let go of the anger. I mean it still comes up if I have to talk to her or if I get into a conversation about what went wrong with our marriage, but it doesn't consume me or affect my life like it did in the first few years.

One more thought. While trying to get everything you can from the divorce settlement might seem like an enticing idea, ask yourself if it's really going to make you feel better about what happened in the long run. Personally I think you are better off severing ties quickly and cleanly rather than getting involved with a drawn out messy divorce trying to take half of everything he has.

Answer 2

I'm not a doctor...but I've been in some pretty dank times myself.

But if I were a doctor, I'd say look to the following:

1. Family, friendship, and spirituality
2. Time --- time heals all things....if you do it constructively
3. Therapy --- if needed. And if you do desire or need therapy, then be open with it. Take the medicines they suggest. OK. But never let them tell you that number 3 reigns over number 1 and 2 unless you're out of gas.

Number 3 is a tool...and a very good one when needed...hell, I ain't going to lie, sometimes I think I need number 3, too... but number 3 is not a catch all phrase that the media or your fellow co-workers (complete with their profuse knowledge of the last Cosmopolitan magazine they just read) suggests.

Be yourself. Think about your situation. Try not to make rash decisions. Trust the people closest to you. Your friends and family. Again, time heals all wounds. Your brain is smarter than the shrinks give you credit for (which for their own financial gain they won't admit). But, yes, if those tips don't work out for you, then seek the BIG 3...

oh, as for this Orinoco_W answerer above...whom is supposedly this TOP CONTRIBUTOR...well, I would like to know how he got his points...getting even?..."ripping his guts out" in revenge...no, no, no...trust me...it never works out that way...call it karma, call it God, but no...revenge never works the way you think it will.

Answer 3

You just have to take it one day at a time and everyday itll get a little better. Talking it out with a professional counselor or a real good friend or close relative helps as it releases inside resentment and anger. Your feelings are normaland understandable. Sue him for divorce and everything you are legally entitled to. The sooner you can get over him the sooner youll be able to move on from this loser. Even though you feel strongly against men right now, not all men are this way and it may just take a male friend to get you out of this mood. Just watch out for older men, as this doesnt seem to suit you well. Take one day at a time, talk it out and life will get better. Good luck

Answer 4

1500 miles aint nothing honey when you hear my story. Here I am in another country since Nov. 2006 and I had to send my daughter (which wasn't my husbands biological daughter) back to the states. When I returned to Japan, he began saying I want my life back, I want to be happy, I want a divorce. I thought I would do him a favor. I left and went back to the states. I just wanted him to be happy. I came back 2 weeks later and I ask myself for what? Anyhow, he agreed to marriage therapy. We went and for some strange reason I had a gut instinct there was someone else. I asked and his response was yes. I felt like crap. Mind you this took place April-May and here it is March and he claims there's no one else but I don't belive it. I don't trust this man as far as I could throw him. Call it insecurity, call it what you want. I'm here in a house to care for two children, two dogs, and recent furniture he purchased. Actually, I'm a maid, a nanny, a dog sitter, and a nanny. I respect that that man told you the truth and packed your bags, mine has me holding on to just about nothing. I mean he don't even come home. It's been 14 days since he's slept in our bed. I'm still in the predictament, but I do have intentions to leave come June. If I were you, I would believe that whatever goes around comes around. Let go and let God...I wish that I could say more, but I myself am exhausted, however my Lord and Saviour gives me strength and directects my path. His word says that he will never leave me nor foresake me. Believe that and fall on your knee's and pray girl.........

Answer 5

u can't let what he did to u steal your future, u are blaming all men for what one man did. u need some therapy maybe a self help group with other women who are going through what u are. when we get hurt, we have to go through a grief process, if we don't it can affect us emotionally. what he did to u was unfair, but who ever said life was suppose to be easy? he did u a wrong, but don't let it affect the rest of your life. sure u had expectations for this relationship, counted on him to be there, but we really have no control over others choices, we do have to get out of the past, so we can get on with the future. u need some therapy to move past this unfortunate thing. the worst thing u can do is to isolate yourself from people, what happened to u was not your fault, had nothing to do with u.

Answer 6

this is a terrible ordeal that you have to go through. rationally speaking, the only way you can completely let go of things is to forgive him. but easier said than done i know. you're feeling furious because you hate him for what he has done and you can't swallow the fact. just look forward and be positive, there is a good man out there whom you'll meet one day. besides, there's so much more to life than marriage. forget that scumbag

Answer 7

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Answer 8

Just go for a vacation and enjoy it. Forget what is past and look forward to the future. You have to learn to forget the bad experiences and move on. Life still goes on you know.

Answer 9

i would suggest that you get in touch with your friends, talk to them more often and share your experience. you are now taking it all upon yourself and feel like all the men out there owe you an explanation. hanging out with more people especially your friends will help you to relieve your stress.

Answer 10

get out with friends . get a hobby . it's hard since you're still young and have no real life experience to deal with such pain . my heart goes out to you and i really wish you get over it but you alone can do it ....... just wish you all the best