Should I tell my husband about the affair?

Question

I have been married for 4.5 years, the last two being very difficult.(re-locating, career changes, financial troubles, etc.) My husband and I have only had sex once in the past year. I started having an affair 5 months ago, and just ended it this past week. I am feeling tremendous shame, guilt, and regret about the affair. I feel that my husband knows deep down, but is afraid to ask. There is a slight chance he could find out via phone bills, car mileage, etc.
I love my husband and I want to save my marriage and make it work. We are seeking marriage counselling (for other issues) and I will never go outside our marriage again.
Should I tell him about the affair? If I don't tell him, will the guilt of it slowly eat away at me and destroy any chance of saving our marriage? Or should I end the marriage so he can find someone who will give him the love and respect he rightfully deserves?

Answer 1

I think to clear your conscious you might want to tell him about. It may not sound good to him but at least he knows you are being honest and what to get on with your life. Remember when you tell him this, you need to hold his hands and look him in his eye and tell his gently that the news he is about to hear is not pleasant and that he should know it. That is why you are telling him. Good luck.

Answer 2

Is it about the sex that led you to stray or is it the affair that caused the sex once a year? i wonder which came first.
Your urge wanting to tell your husband of the affair is only brought by your guilts & shame. You think by coming on clean now will erase all those unsolicited affair? Taking the initiative to ask forgiveness will be more acceptable provided he has any clue of your affair otherwise it wouldn't hurt if your 5 months affair will be kept & leave it to you to be swallowed by your guilts & shame, afterall, you were on your right mind when you have choosen to indulge in an affair to complicate matters and worst lose your marriage.

On the other hand, amidst all the mistakes we do in life, there is always a chance to remorse & be forgiven in order to make it right. If the people whom you have caused pain is willing to forgive & start all over again. Also you must have the intense desire to change and live life according to what is right and just.

Weigh in closely whether you should tell or not.
*if you choose the former & he threw you out of the nest- live with it afterall, he deserves someone who will love & respect him (and thats not you).
*if he forgives you & still accepts you- ur in luck... work hard on it cuz those guilts & doubts will be creeping in every now & then until trust & bond has been built back.

Answer 3

Never ever tell him about it unless you are afraid he may find it himself.Who will gain what by that? If you wish to unburden the guilt you carry, you can as well shower 'unconditional love' on him, which is more burdensome than unloading some of your emotional garbage. You know your marriage has been in trouble. Don't deliver the death blow yourself by revealing this damaging news to him as no husband expects to live with a cheater, leave alone the circurmstances that caused it. What if he says 'once a cheater,always a cheater'? Then, you can neither save your marriage nor get rid of your guilt. Do we tell our spouses all that is going on in the dark recesses of our mind? Rather think of a positive course of action that will make him happier. Love him more, show that you will be always there for him. To tell him about the affair takes less than few moments but to make him happy, you got to put in consistent effort over a period of time. If you choose the easier course of action, you will cause hell of a pain to him as well as yourself. Please don't leave that indelible scar on his heart. Put in all you could to make your marriage happy and he will be very loving husband soon. And the guilt that 'eats you' soon fades away. After all, don't we live with one guilt or another at one time or the other? As it is no more a question of your affair as you ended it, but that of whether you love him, work towards that aspect of your relation. Not many women truly love their husband after an affair and you have grown beyond it ,so prove it from Now on how much you love him than talk about past.Good luck

Answer 4

No offense but if you really loved him you wouldnt have cheated on him no matter how hard things got. Cheating never solves anything and it always makes things harder later on, which you now understand. Ok so I am done lecturing you and I appologize. I realise that you are in pain and that you are feeling very guilty which is natural. All you can do is tell him the truth and hope and pray that he will forgive you and want to give you a second chance. The vows you both made are sacred and are supposed to be upheld for the rest of your lives. In making a marriage work you need to consider the other persons needs and feelings. Show him you are really sorry and hopefully he will forgive you. As bad as this is some men or women for that matter will feel they have a right to cheat on their cheating spouse in order to inflict revenge. Its not healthy but I guess in a way it evens the score. Anyways I hope that isnt how you guys have to solve this, maybe your husband will be satisfied with your appology and with the fact that you have ended your affair. The trust will be gone though and that is really hard when trying to make a relationship work. For the sake of your own health and sanity you have to tell him, the stress and pain of keeping it in is very harmful for you as a sain person. Good luck and I hope this can have a happy ending.

Answer 5

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Answer 6

You will never be successful in saving your marriage if you keep this hid. You both need to put everything out on the table so that there are no more secrets.If you think that he knows chances are he probable does and hes most likely waiting for you to tell him.He will never be 100% devoted to working it out if he knows you are still being dishonest.Once you can open up and let him know what you did you can both start to heal the damage it has done to your marriage.You should arrange a private session with your counselor to discuss it and he will help you to figure out how to go about telling your husband. Good Luck !!

Answer 7

You are a good woman...you slipped and you know it and have admitted it and you have promised you won't do it again and you are more than willing to work on fixing your marriage with counseling. You have passed all the critical things I would look for if i was trying to judge if you were truly sorry and truly wanted to change. There will be some that will disagree, but I say you take the affair with you to the grave. And the guilt will eat at you at times...... that's ok....think of it as not only alittle punishment but more importantly a reminder of what you almost destroyed. The reason I say you take it to your grave, is it serves no real purpose to tell him if he doesn't know. He already knows you guys have problems and if you are working on them that is all that is important. Look at it this way......if he knew by virtue of lets say catching you, and you still both wanted to reconcile, you guys would be in therapy anyway to fix whatever was wrong to drive you to another man. So the critical thing at this juncture is that you are both going to work on and fix this marriage and so it serves absolutely no purpose in telling him. He already has enough hurt to deal with knowing that he has a part in this rocky marriage so why hurt him more. I admire your courage to fix things and I do wish you well.

Answer 8

Wow...I think he deserves to know the truth. How would you feel if he did this to you. Treat someone like you would want to be treated. If its mean to be..it will work its self out. Most likely, he may never trust you again, and I dont blame him. I feel you should tell him, because if you are a good person, the guilt will eat away at you. The truth will set you both free. You also need to do some soul searching as to why you would do something like this. I dont mean to make you feel bad, but people jsut dont take marriage and committment seriously anymore. I know we are all human, but if you made that choice you need to pay the consequence. You had your fun for 5 months, now you should pay, that means telling yoru husband the truth and whatever happens...happens.

Answer 9

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Answer 10

What's wrong with him, all guys want sex. Don't tell him it will only make things worse, just forget about it and don't feel guilty, it was something you needed that your husband couldn't give to you. Concentrate on you other problems at the councillor, it doesn't seem very optomistic though, if you are not happy and are not seeming on having a proper marriage, it would be best to let him go.

Answer 11

If you can find some one - anyone - you can talk to - even some one on this forum - do it. It will help. Should you tell him?? I say no. If you are straightened out and are working on it, don't throw gas on a smouldering fire. Let it die out. You will feel something for a long time, but let it be your burden to bare, don't put any of it on his shoulders. I've been there and done that so I have at least some place to talk from. I am still married and plan on staying that way.