I have been married 9 years - we have 2 boys - 7 and 5. When we met he was using marijuana and but I did not know until much later. We did not marry until he had gone 6 months without using. During the time we have been married he has had "problems with alcohol." He works 4pm - 2am and I leave for work at 5am - he gets up with the boys and I get them to bed. There is generally 1 time a month when I do not feel comfortable leaving him with the children because he stayed up to drink. This has been an ongoing trust issue. Recently he was sent home from work - he told me that he used pot a few weeks before, someone reported him. He had to give a UA and was out until it came back. It was clean & he went back the next day, but I was completely shocked that he had used. I don't feel I can trust him at all. He is very remorseful (as usual) and wants to do couples therapy. 95% of the time he is a wonderful father and the boys would be lost without him. I think he needs to get help for himself.
2007-03-21 16:38:16 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Many of you asked about getting him help b/f and originally I tried to give more details, but ran out of characters. Yes - when he almost died following a DUI accident on the day of our youngests' baptism, he finally agreed to get help. He was on meds for his ADHD (impulsivity was seen as the prob) and it helped - but he stopped. After another "incident" - he went to 1 session of therapy. He has agreed to stop drinking at various times - but it doesn't last - he does not think alcohol is the problem. I love him, but I am so angry and hurt. I have been in therapy for years and would be willing to do the couples' thing but - I guess I need him to admit that we can't fix "us" if he won't look at fixing himself.
2007-03-21 16:59:39 · update #1
you think he needs to get help for himself, but does he? this is the most important part. you need to talk about it without, which i know is hard, even without kids and conflicting schedules and all the other little pieces of life getting in the way. he is an adult, and you cannot be responsible for his health and well being, but someone has to be responsible for your children, so you need to let him know your feelings, support him in getting help, and then, if it's just not enough, do what needs to be done to ensure the safety and health of you and your children.
2007-03-21 16:46:18 · answer #1 · answered by Renee B 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Ok, so do couples therapy with him. At least he is the one taking the initiative to work it out. Thats a positive thing. Try it, what do u have to lose?
If afterwards u still feel this way, then do what u feel u need to do, but dont give up on him just yet. I think he has potential and wants to work this thing out with u. Thats alot more than u will get out of most men.
Good luck to u.
2007-03-21 16:45:39 · answer #2 · answered by Truth Teller 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Are you in love with this man? That and TRUST are the most important things in a marriage. I think couples therapy is a good idea to start with. The therapist will decide if he needs therapy alone. Good luck to you.
2007-03-21 16:46:24 · answer #3 · answered by LadyLynn 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Even though he doesn't have an excellent track record, you should seek out options to make it work before you give up. he said he's interested in couples therapy - definitely try that. Talk with him. Express your concerns to him and let him know that you're struggling with trusting him. Try to work it out and support him if he sincerely seeks help to get over these issues - it will be tough on him too. And don't turn to strangers on yahoo (including me) to make such an important decision. Best of luck to you, him, and your boys.
2007-03-21 16:47:25 · answer #4 · answered by blah 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
If that is your biggest problem then no, you should not get a divorce. You will have to work with him to fix the problem, but it is not something so huge that you shouldnt be able to get over.
2007-03-21 17:00:03 · answer #5 · answered by alexandria1_1999 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i would tell him you want him to go into a outpatient drug and alcohol rehab. if nothing else it will show him how his use of one or both is affecting you too. and yes you should go to some of the counseling sessions with him to voice your opinion but in an understanding way. best of luck to both of you, i hope you can talk to him and tell him this is what he needs to do. again best of luck to both of you :)
2007-03-21 16:47:37 · answer #6 · answered by kameo_44 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's pretty big of him to want to go to therapy. Give it a shot. You've got nothing to lose.
Ask him if he would maybe go to AA for his drinking as well. Tell him that you're uncomfortable about it.
2007-03-21 16:43:22 · answer #7 · answered by Royalhinney 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
I REALLY DONT THINK THAT U SHOULD GET A DIVORCE BEFORE TRYING TO GET HIM HELP... TRY GETTIN HIM SOME HELP AND LET HIM KNOW THAT IF HE DO NOT GET HELP AND STOP WHAT HE IS DOING THAT U R THINKING ABOUT LEAVIN HIM... U AND THE KIDS... GIVE HIM SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT AND IF HE REALLY LOVE U AND THE BOYS HE WILL SEEK HELP TO SAVE HIS FAMILY, AND MARRIAGE... GOOD LUCK
2007-03-21 16:45:53 · answer #8 · answered by ladycorinthos 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Stand by your man. Do the couples therapy with him - he needs your support and wants your trust.
Unless you don't love him, of course.
2007-03-21 16:47:28 · answer #9 · answered by Husker41 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
you have to do what is best for you and your boys, this kind
of behavior is not good. he need to want to get the help that
he need. it not up to you , time to let him know that he need to
get the help or you and the boys are gone.. he need to want
this. and it sound like he does not want it. time to put this
on the table once and for all.
2007-03-21 17:05:40 · answer #10 · answered by luckystar 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋