In the last two weeks my normal 15 yr old has managed to have her cell phone confiscated at school for 30 days, and against the rules of computer/internet not only went on myspace, but made her own web page. I am so upset I don't know what to do with her. Until now I have trusted her....she lied about being on myspace & then lied and said "friends" set up the page. She stood next to me while I confrounted two of her friends about it....and never said a word. I know she wants friends, I know she wants to be cool. I know it is hard for her to make friends...I have always tried to be "cool" and although she has had boundries, she has also had some freedom. She is suppose to take a school trip to NYC next month and we have already paid for it. Should I keep her home? Should I ground her for life from the internet? Any suggestions would be helpful as I am having a hard time thinking this one through. thanks.
2007-03-21 16:31:45 · 22 answers · asked by Barbiq 6 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Adolescent
FYI she went on myspace at her friends homes or when I was running her sisters to dance class. I cannot be with her 24/7 our computer is in our front room and she has limited time on it with parental controls. I just raised her level to teen a couple of months ago and didn't realize it would allow her on myspace. We blocked the site tonight for all user's. Also she gave her cell phone to a friend to use at lunch and that's when it got taken by the Principal (he did confirm this with me).
2007-03-21 17:12:24 · update #1
this is a tough one. Obviously she has broken your trust with the myspace page. She should lose her internet privileges for at least a month, if not more, until she can gain back your trust.
As far as having her phone confiscated, that doesn't sound TOO bad. It's never good when your child gets in trouble at school (especially a kid who is normally well behaved) But, if this is the first time it has happend, I would go easy on her. I am sure the embarrassment of having her phone confiscated in front of her classmates was pretty good punishment all by itself. I would explain to her however, that the next time she gets in trouble for using her phone during class, she loses her cell phone until she is adult enough to handle the responsibility of owning one.
As far as the New York trip, tell her she is still allowed to go, and this will be a chance for her to try to regain your trust by proving she can behave as a responsible young adult.
Overall I have to say, if this is the worst of your daughter's behavior, she must be a pretty good kid.
2007-03-21 16:41:53 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 5⤋
I got news for you. You are not a "cool" mom. Embarassing your daughter by confronting her friends about MySpace- NOT COOL! In fact, it's pretty cruel, actually. Almost every normal 15 year old is on MySpace. By not allowing her to be on MySpace, you are making her social situation harder. It's a different era, and kids today communicate via MySpace. You're cutting her off from possible friends, and you're making her a social pariah. It isn't hard for her to make friends... it's hard for you to let her have friends! You're one of those overprotective moms who thinks they need to prevent their kids from doing everything in order to "protect" them. Sure, some kids get into trouble with MySpace. But, the better way to handle this is to educate your children about the internet. Let them know how to be safe on the net. Let her have a MySpace page, but make it private. Go on MySpace and check it out. See who is saying what to who and why. See what picture's she's posting. She gets to live a normal teenage life, and you get some insight into what's up with her. Don't restrict her because then you aren't teaching her anything. She is 15, not 5, and at this point in time she needs to be learning how to handle these things on her own. So give her the tools, education, and guidance to do so. Don't teach her the lesson that mommy will tell her what she can and cannot do forever, because, I got news for you, you get incompetent adults someday with that. You may be mad that she broke your rules, but your rules seem unreasonable. She seems like a great kid. It isn't her fault about the cell phone at schoool. She just wanted to help out a friend or make someone like her by letting them use it. There's no crime in that. It may be against school rules, and maybe she got unfairly punished for it, but I'd be more mad at the school than anything. She didn't do anything. She's a good kid, so let her be a good kid. Give her some freedom, and see where it goes. If she proves to you that she can't handle it, then yuo treat her accordingly. You're treating her like a criminal before she's even done anything. Let her go on the NYC trip, and let her have a life!
2007-03-22 07:01:34 · answer #2 · answered by lilmissmiss 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stop trying to be "cool." Stop trusting a fifteen year old. I always told my child that if she got her cell phone taken away at school I would not go get it unless it was found turned off, in the deepest recesses of her bag on a routine search. Under the circumstances you describe, my daughter would have just lost her cell phone.
Also, don't confront her friends. If you want to get info from her friends' parents that's one thing. But don't invite other kids to rat out your daughter to you.
That said, I consider myself to be pretty strict and I don't know that I see the problem with the My Space. And while lying is not good, a certain amount just goes with the territory. As Reagan always said--"trust but verify."
Here is what I would do with regard to MySpace. First--I'd let her have the MySpace. But, I'd get one for myself as well and require that she invite me as one of her "friends." I'd monitor the site for the following very limited purposes: (1) make sure it is private and not accessible to anyone other than friends (2) make sure she doesn't have anything wildly inappropriate on it. That said--brace yourself and save any intervention for the worst of the worst. Moreover, I would not have anything on there announcing myself as her mother. Never, for example, post a comment to her page. One great thing about emailing your child on myspace is that you can tell whether the email was opened or not. It's a nice place to send just a quick "I love you" email. Let her earn having a MySpace. Tell her you reconsidered after talking with someone you trust.
As for the lying--ground her for a week. Long punishments are not terribly effective. I would only take away a trip for skipping school, being extremely disrespectful, or something of that magnitude.
It sounds like you're very accustomed to having a good kid, and that she's having some growing pains. Your child is still in there.
2007-03-22 00:07:12 · answer #3 · answered by Millie M 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
first of all...to you ppl that answered that myspace is fine and she should be allowed to keep it...you must not have read very closely, as this isnt a home computer we are talking about. she went against school rules and created the myspace page at school. so even if she has access to a computer at home where her mother can supervise the sites she goes to or can put a parental block on it...there is still the school computers or her friends. so she has to deal with teaching her daughter that lying and sneaking behind her back isnt cool and will be punished.
unfortunately, if you keep her from going on the nyc trip...you may create more trouble than you care to deal with. at this age, she will not be able to understand or appreciate the "good" that you are doing for her, and will only resent and maybe even hate you, especially because her friends will probably be going and it will be the end of the world if she doesnt go too. otherwise it would be fitting to keep her home and have her get a summer job and half her paycheck goes to paying off the trip.
as to the phone...when you get it back...curtail her uses of it. keep it from her until she gets home from school...let her have it between the hours of 4 pm and 9pm and on weekends.
2007-03-22 00:12:52 · answer #4 · answered by Tammy M 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
1. the cellphone- take it away from her until she behaves, it's probably not that neccessary for her to have one and if she cant be responsible she cant have responsibility. or just dont let her have it at school.
2. the internet- once again if she cant follow rules she loses privileges.. if its at home keep her off it completely, if she tries to say she needs it for homework, take her to the library and make her see how things were done before the luxury of technology. and maybe show her some stories about myspace people who have been attacked or worse.. do a search for "carly ryan" thats just one girl i can think of, it was just a few weeks ago, she was 15. show that to your daughter. if she's on it at school then the school will have to decide what to do i think. if she's on it at home supervise her, and make sure the computer is out in the open not her bedroom. While her sense of privacy is important, her safety is more.
3. if you can get your money back for the trip seriously think about not letting her go.. at least tell her she wont be going unless she is absolutely perfectly behaved from now to then, if she thinks you mean it she will behave herself, and if she doesn't, then do what you threatened otherwise she will know you are bluffing next time and she will think she can get away with anything. If you don't let her go she'll be p*ssed off for sure but she'll get over it. And she might even learn to respect you and other people like teachers. Dont let her get to you because she will definitely try to! If she stresses you out too much do something you enjoy and remember this will make her a better adult. I had some rough years with my mum but now i see she did it all for me. 15's a tough age for both of you.
Teach her that if she wants the privileges in life she has to earn them by doing the right thing first, and dont let her fool you. she's already shown she doesnt care if she lies to you to let you confront her friends without saying anything (normally even if they had done it she would be embarrassed if you did that so i think they were in on it and maybe taking it just so she might not be in so much trouble with you)
2007-03-21 23:49:17 · answer #5 · answered by zimba 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You can't be with her 24/7 but you have allies. First, no computer usage without a parent present. She lost the right to use it when she went to a site she knew you would't approve of. For now, limit her time with these friends. They aren't friends. I don't think I'd let her go to the NYC trip. She's lied, she's been on a dangerous site, she hasn't earned the right to go. Keep in touch with teachers and her principal. They can tell you what she's doing at school when you can't be with her. When she is at home, if you have to run the other children somewhere, if no other adult is in the house, then she rides along. She did this to herself when she decided she knew more than you. I'm mom to 3.
2007-03-22 00:39:25 · answer #6 · answered by Melanie A 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
The trip to NYC has nothing to do with these offenses, so I personally wouldn't bring that anywhere near the table. She messed up with the cellphone-- are there extra charges? She should have to pay them back. If the cellphone is not a necessity for communication during after-school activities and such, you could ground her from it, or just ground her from calling anyone other than home or *your* cellphone. You can easily monitor what numbers she's been calling (even if she deletes her history) or who she's been texting by checking online. ;)
The MySpace webpage would be a biggie for me. My daughter would be grounded from non-homework-related internet use for about a month. Then after that, she would have some serious limitations & parental controls. If she was to go to a friend's house, I'd tell her over and over that she is NOT allowed to do these things at others' houses, and that I plan to call the friend's mom and let her know of the rules she is supposed to follow on the computer. I may or may not call, depending on how well I know the friend's parents (they may be just as careful with internet stuff as me, or I may not know them from Adam). But she would *think* I had called, or *might* call.... ;) And probably be a bit embarrassed at having to abstain if her friend(s) went ahead and did that kind of stuff anyway...
The consequence should fit the offense.. I don't think taking away the NYC trip is ever going to be equated in her mind to these offenses-- maybe if she was doing drugs or caught drinking or something really dangerous & untrustworthy, but not for some minor, but still of concern, rulebreaking. I think pulling the trip would be total overkill considering the offense.
My mom actually did this to me my junior year in HS, pulled me from a choir tour I was looking forward to going on in the fall, BUT I had gotten caught drinking alcohol at summer camp & they had to drive several hours (dad missed a day of work too) to pick me up because I got kicked out of camp over it. I felt I deserved it, and I really did learn my lesson-- I never drank at summer camp again! LOL, I never *went* to summer camp again... ;) But I wasn't angry with my mom because I knew it was fair-- I'd screwed up BIG TIME. I really don't think your daughter's mess-ups warrant this big of a reaction.
I hope this helps some!
2007-03-22 00:39:21 · answer #7 · answered by LaundryGirl 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Well I'm not a mother of teenagers yet but I was at that stage when i was her age only mine was with males that were older than me. I was grounded for quite a while. i wasn't allowed to go out with friends after school or on the weekends. I was only allowed on the computer is someone was supervising me, because I met my male friend online, I was not allowed on the phone. As for the trip I would keep her home and make her pay a certain amount of the trip back so that she realizes that she is going to get punished when she does things and that she's not just going to get a slap on the hand and thats the end of it. Boundaries are going to be shortened for a while. Mine were really short til I turned 17 and they were still short and then I got pregnant 6 months after my 17 bday. Does she feel that she doesn't get attention at home and needs to get it from her friends thats why she feels that she has to be "cool"?
2007-03-21 23:41:32 · answer #8 · answered by mommy_05_06 2 · 1⤊ 2⤋
I realize why your so worried with myspace because it is a bad site and she went on it for a punishment don't g ooverboard with the punishment but don't make it to light either. I would ask her what she thinks her punishment should be and if she doesn't answer or backtalks than ground her off the internet for awhile (1 month or so)
2007-03-22 01:29:05 · answer #9 · answered by skipper.2666 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
With Dire actions comes dire consequences.......
Can you get a refund for this trip? If Yes then cancel it! Trust me Myspace is nothing but an evil devil site that will addict you to it. If she abused her freedom why should she deserve to go on a trip she abudantly didnt earn to go on. Now there is such thing as making a mistake but this is crossing the line waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to much. "She needs to know mom can be cool and she'll let you have freedom just dont abuse this blessing she's giving you. " She knows she has done wrong and you need to cancel this trip.
Yeah it will suck for her but how else will she learn? So are you going to let her do this again and let it pass? Lessons must be learned and this is definitly a lesson that needs to be learned
You can only cross the line ever so much before its just plain unacceptable
2007-03-22 00:10:00 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋