I want to be best friends with my wife?

Question

My wife and I are trying to get back together or rather I'm trying to get back together w/ her. We are seeing each other every weekend and now a couple of nights during the week. I was over there tonight. Last week end I gave her a card that said "Friend, you are special, you are appreciated, you are a blessing". I really would like to be best friends w/ her again. I love her deeply but have had trouble relating to her and opening up about troubles in my life. I want to tell her but am afraid of rejection, unacceptance. I want to renew our intimacy (emotional first then physical later). We're separated b/c I was verbally abusive to her. We have gone to counselling which has really put our marriage back on track and has really opened my eyes to the pain I caused her. I was too proud to admit I caused her pain. I'm not proud anymore. I am so sorry about it. I love her deeply and want so much to renew our friendship. What do you do together to keep your friendship w/ your spouse alive?

Answer 1

U'd be surprised how accepting women are of emotions, most women, want to see that volnerable side of you, they want your trust, and your friendship and they want to feel needed emotionally.. and id be more concerned about getting her to open up to u, more so then u needing to be concerned to open up to her, with the abuse, she will find it hard to trust again, she will find it hard to feel she can say anything with out worrying about u exploding.. , she wants u to love her, and accept her.. she's still here after all the horrible things u've done or said, she's still here and that says alot about her feelings for u.. i think u need to concentrate more on letting her inside of u, rather then the other way around, because she's going to be extremely guarded for awhile , waiting for Mr Hyde to show up again, so id concentrate more on her, and making her feel comfortable, and her feeling like she can trust u now, and that ur not going to do those things anymore, more so then u needing her to lean on.. she needs u to be a real man, not a little boy trapped in a man's body.. if u want a friendship u need to show her that U can be her friend, then it will work..

Answer 2

You sound like you are on the right track. My wife and I are together again after a 2 year separation. For your wife to be your friend, you have to be there to console her, not correct her. Have patience. Be her protector, give her your heart and put your trust in God that whatever happens is part of the big plan only He knows. Read "The Purpose Driven Life" and "His Needs Her Needs". Don't worry about your needs right now, concentrate on being the person she can rely on for ALL of her needs. The rest will come in time. Search every day for the positives that were not there yesterday and before you know it, nobody is going to be looking for what is wrong today that was wrong yesterday. Good Luck.

I see you are getting a lot of the same advice from a lot of different people.

Answer 3

Well you are on the right track wanting to be her best friend I have been married for 26 years, and you sound a lot like my husband during his sinning days well that is what he calls it when he brings up the past. Yes, he will admit that he was once a real SOB, but I love him for it now he has come a long ways from the man I first married. I am very happy to hear that you are not giving up on your commitment. My advice to you is never stop dating her make her your forever girlfriend, never stop bringing her flowers, buying her love cards, make her dinner or breakfast. My husband actually went out and bought a book on relationships he said it helped him a lot on how to treat a woman. Well good luck, and I hope I helped you just a little.

Answer 4

You sound like a very nice man that has benefited from therapy. I think that you are on the right track and as long as you continue to be sensitive to her feelings and needs you will continue to have the intimacy that will make for great sex later on when you are ready. My husband and I try to spend at least a half an hour a night connecting and talking about how our day went before bed this helps us stay connected even when we are exhausted and have had a bad day. Good luck.

Answer 5

First of all...I applaud you in seeking therapy, and putting your wife first.
Second...you are off to a great start, and everything you expressed in here can be said to your wife. You can do it, I have faith in you. Yes...I don't know you, but you have shown how important your marriage is to you, you got help, swallowed your pride. Go for it my friend...go for it.
Thirdly...being best friends, I think what you said about strengthening the emotional side before intimacy is where you will find your best friend. I speak from experience. I spoke with my husband on the telephone for 3 weeks before ever laying eyes on him,because of that, an emotional bond was formed, we fell in love before we ever met, the intimacy is the icing on the cake. I wish you success in your marriage and life.

Answer 6

First she has to see that you have really changed, so keep doing what you are doing. Let her see the difference in you. When she gets to see she can trust you, start hanging out together - like you did when you first started dating. Go fun places or just sit at home and talk. Be friendly to her like you would any friend. Once you win her back over - remember your decision to be her friend. Sometimes we treat our spouses worse than we would our enemies - much less our friends.

Good Luck!

Answer 7

Nobody is going to like this answer, but it's mine...

Take what you have learned and use it on someone that doesn't have so much past with you. I know you love her, but she is going to respond to the verbally abusive you even when she is working with the kind and loving you.

You don't know her. You can't know her. When you shut her out, and shut her up, you let her know that you value her presence, but not her feelings or her opinion. She was isolated and knows how to do that again.

If she is like me, she will let you back rather than fighting, because she knows she can't win, but it will stunt her growth... again.

If she wants you back, she will say, "Please come back to me" without your questioning. If you ask, she will respond in the affirmative because to disagree with you only means pain. If she says "please come back to me" without your asking, that is a sign that she is willing to be vulnerable, and with some work you could make the relationship long-term. Personally, I wouldn't say that.

Intimacy is something YOU can have with anyone, especially given your new awareness. It's the one thing she can't risk with you. So if you care enough about her to want her to experience intimacy, you may need to let go.

Again, not the perfect answer, but one based in experience.

Live well~

Answer 8

Being in a relationship is letting someone in to your heart and giving them your everything, showing them your flaws and accepting theirs. Love means taking a risk and you need not fear rejection this woman has taken you back and agreed to help work through the problems. Open your heart and let her in, take a risk and it will all work out. Don't be scared everyone takes a risk once in a while, do it and show this woman how much she means to you.

Answer 9

I suggest you finding another councilor (or the same one), someone to facilitate your discussion about your fear of rejection, what she wants from your friendship and maybe help with some pointers to becoming best friends. You sound really committed to getting back together with her and I wish you luck.

Answer 10

Sounds like you are on the right track. Congrats!!! My wife and I also had our rough times but we worked through them. We found that we did better if we tried to find joint interest. currently we are involved in trying to make friends with people of different cultures..It gives us something different to talk about. best of luck and hang in there.