What do you think of this poem?

Question

He looks around the scene,
Then back to me;
He looks around the scene,
Then back to me.
He doesn't know what to think
Of the people around us,
The cool blues and greens
Contrasting on their pale skin,
He observes my own clothing,
Warm and bright.
"Well, it doesn't matter," he says,
"You always did look good in red."

Constructive criticism welcome.

Answer 1

I think it's just the tip of an iceberg.

I think it's lovely and taut and points at something grander, just beneath the surface.

I think you should think harder.

Answer 2

It gets too prosaic with "he doesn't know what to think" , "contrasting", and "observes".

You start out purely describing the action, then suddenly you gain the "third person omniscient" perspective. Stay out of his head.

Cut the entire middle section:

He looks around the scene,
Then back to me.
He looks around the scene,
Then back to me.
"You always did look good in red."

Insert an image of the blue and green dressed dancers between the opening and last line, if you must, but that's all you should give the reader. Don't even bother with "he said".

Poetry should show and suggest; not explain too much.

Answer 3

I think a good title for this poem is "You look good in Red".

There is no need to repeat the first 2 lines. Instead for the 3rd & 4th lines use:

"He sees contrasting colors around
Then stares at me"

I think it's the only comment I have for now.
Good luck.

Answer 4

I'm with the people who say cut the first two lines (repetitive) (unless it's a song in disguise), but otherwise it's a fun poem. I love the contrasting blues and greens, and the way you make colors stand for so much more.

Answer 5

The repeat of the first two lines doesn't seem to add much.

As for the rest, I didn't see it so much as a poem but instead I saw it as a fairly decent writing style. I mean, prose. A little flowery, but yet, intriguing. Almost makes me want to get the book.

Answer 6

i think you need alittle more creative thinking too it try moving around a few of the words seeing if some other words sound better in there. then the first verse say it differently if you want it to stand out. other than that its a good start to a poem that is comming together.

Answer 7

Not bad, but there are a few lines that are choppy and uneven. Try reading it out loud and see what I mean. But on the whole it is pretty good. Pax - C.

Answer 8

Awesome poem, I give it 10 out of 10!

Answer 9

Its pretty cute, I liked it, but I think its would be better with a few more original descriptive words.

Answer 10

Hey, what do you think of this poem?

There once was a man from Nantucket...

Oh wait wrong poem.