Can somebody please check this for grammatical errors?

Question

Can anybody please check over my paragraph in response to this prompt for a scholarship application:
Please describe how and when any unusual family or persomal circumstances have affected your achievement in school, work experience, or your participation in school and community activites.

Like many others in our area, my home was destroyed by Hurricane Katrina. While I consider myself lucky in the long run, I was extremely worried and stressed out during the aftermath of the catastrophic storm. My family was forced to live with my widowed aunt and her two sons. While I know they are truly angels in disguise, at the time I found my cousins aggravating and bothersome. Their annoying ways would often times put me in the worst of moods, and that attitude would carry over to school. True, I would put on a happy façade, but on the inside I was so furious with everyone and everything. My grades started to drop because of this. However, I soon realized how fortunate my family was to have

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people who cared so much for us that they would open their homes to us. With my change of attitude also came my improvement in school. I am now living in a new home, but I will never forget the time that I spent living with my generous relatives.

Any suggestions are welcome! Thanks!

Answer 1

I would advise more detail. What was the first week like? What were the varying emotions at sway? Were you shutting down or experiencing emotional overload? How did it affect someone whose story you heard that made your story more bearable? ... or worse? How has it changed you as a human being or was there no lasting impact? How did it alter the dynamic within your own family?

You're better off seizing upon something gripping that you experienced that you haven't heard anyone else talk about re:Katrina. You picked an excellent topic but you need to do some creative writing about it; as if you and your family were characters in a novel. You'll discover stuff comes up that you're, not now, assigning enough importance to and yet is very signifigant on a psychological level.

Write, write, write; several drafts, and then sit down and condense it as a paragraph.

People want to share your trying experiences with you on an emotional level. If you can make our hearts bleed for you, or open our eyes to something, teach us something, you'll have the winning essay for the scholarship.

Answer 2

Like many others in our area, my home was destroyed by Hurricane Katrina. While I considered myself lucky in the long run; I was extremely worried and stressed out during the aftermath of the catastrophic storm.

My family was forced to live with my widowed aunt and her two sons. While I know they are truly angels in disguise; I found my cousins aggravating and bothersome. Their annoying ways would often put me in the worst of moods and that attitude would carry over to school.

While it was true, I would put on a happy façade; on the inside I was furious with everyone and everything. My grades started to drop because of my attitude. Eventually, I realized how fortunate my family was to have people who cared so much for us that they would open their homes to us. My change of attitude contributed to my improvement in school. I am now living in a new home but I will never forget the time that I spent living with my generous relatives.

Answer 3

"Their annoying ways would often times put me in the worst of moods,"

delete the word "times"

"Their annoying ways would often put me in the worst of moods,"

", but on the inside I was so furious with everyone and everything. My grades started to drop because of this."

maybe combine the two sentences

", but on the inside I was so furious with everyone and everything that my grades started to drop."

Answer 4

My grades started to drop because of this.
I would add more details to this sentence, its a little bit vague. I skimmed over it but didn't see any grammatical errors.