Is this emotional abuse?

Question

I am on the verge of leaving my husband I want to know whether this is emotinal abuse
-I dont seem to go out as much anymore bec in the past whenever i wanted a girls night it would be a drama, incuding saying he didn't want me to drink anything when i went out, other times he said it was disgusting that he wasn't included (and this barely happened like may 1 every three months) and then it was that I felt I could only go out if he had something already planned.
- Not being able to talk bc i felt like I was being interrogated or that I was a little kid. I have mentioned this but he says its esentially my imagination.
- Talking and after answering questions not being able to understand how the talking got to the solution which feels so wrong.
I dont go to the beach anymore after a huge argument with him saying bathers were the same as me wlaking around in my underwear.
Not being able to talk to anyone else about any relationship problems - bc as far as he is concerned its involving

others. He talks to no-one even when i said he should.
- Not letting me talk to his sister or friends when we are arguing.
- Not wanting anyone to know we have any problems. He will be pleasant with everyone, and pretends nothings wrong.
- I dont do things I like anymore and I dont know why. eg. dancing i just know that anytime I talk about going back he suggests we do soemthing else together.

- Not wearing certain clothes eg. tops with an open back, because he doesn't like it. I am not talking slutty clothes its just Aust summer clothes.
- Feeling like when I cry it has no effect on him, but if he gets like that it breaks my heart and I will almost instantly try.
- Putting all conditions on going to marriage counselling even when I say I cant keep going
- When we have an argument I am vocal and he puts his hand over my mouth or sits on me.
- If i have had enough of fighting and try to leave he takes my keys, traps me in a room. becasue he hates me leaving. I only leave for a few hours to calm donw

Answer 1

He is controlling...but I wouldn't call it emotion abuse. To me, emotional abuse is when he calls you names, telling you you're stupid, etc., not when he states what he thinks of people when they do certain things. But he IS trying to make you feel the same way he does and is not accepting you for your individuality and that is controlling. It bothers him that you don't think and believe the way he does.

Before you leave your marriage, both of you try going to counseling. If he doesn't want to go, I think it would be good for you if you went. Of course, that all depends how badly you want your marriage to work.

ADD:
He is also very insecure.

ADD:
After reading your additional details, he is VERY controlling and yes, emotionally abusive. You need to put a stop to his behavior ASAP. He is losing control, trying to control you. This is very typical behavior for becoming physically abusive. In fact, it's already started by him covering your mouth and sitting on you. Chances are, he has been abused as a child.

My brother started out exactly what your husband is doing. Now, I'm not saying that he will do what my brother did, but for my brother, he became physically abusive. Little by little he would see how far he could go with his wife until one day, he locked her down in the basement for an entire week. He made her call in sick to work so nobody would know that he had her trapped down there. She was not allowed to work in a place that men were present...either working there or customers. He made her give him her keys when she came home to prevent her from leaving. She was not allowed to be late 5 minutes or he accused her of cheating and she got a beating. He destroyed EVERYTHING she owned before she knew him. He was trying to erase her past as if it didn't exist before him. She was ONLY allowed to see who he said, when he said. He never laid a hand on her for the first 5 years of their marriage. Once he did, and she stayed, it just got worse. I can't tell you the countless black eyes and bruises she asked me to disguise for her. The last straw is when my sister-in-law was woken up to a barrel of a gun in her face. Then one day very shortly after that, she just left, and left everything behind. Nobody knew she was planning to leave, but our entire family is glad she did. I've heard from her once since then, but she is still afraid of my brother and will not disclose her location, which is a good thing....I don't blame her.

SO PLEASE!.....for your own safety, do something now before it really gets out of hand and he does something that nobody can undo. I'm sure there are MANY people that are not ready to bury you....me included, and I''m a stranger!

ADD AGAIN:
My sister-in-law also was not allowed to wear shorts, skirts, dresses, jeans, t-shirts, bathing suits. She could ONLY wear sweat pants, sweat shirts and turtle necks...no matter how hot the temperature was. He also told her which ones she could wear. Example: Christmas, she could wear her red sweats, but no other time because he thought red was too alluring of a color to wear any other time. Also, she was not allowed to wear make up or curl her hair. No jewelry, either....too flashy he said.

Answer 2

Oh boy, if you stay with this man, his emotional abuse will probably turn into physical. Everything you are describing is typical of an abuser. The fact that you are even asking this question is proof that you are starting to believe that maybe he is right.....get out now before it does turn physical.....If you dont believe me.....ring up a domestic violence shelter and talk to a counsellor there and she will tell you that you are definitely a victim of abuse. Any kind of abuse will end up destroying your self esteem totally.....You obviously have some left, so pack up your things and get away from this man (and I use that term lightly).

The confusion you are feeling is only normal when you have been exposed to this kind of abuse for a long time. Soon, though, you will be thinking you deserve everything he is doing to you....that is when you wont have the courage to leave because he will have succeeded in owning your very soul........It is probably getting close to how you are feeling now, so speak to a counsellor who will help make it a lot clearer in your mind that you do not deserve any of this. A counsellor will help you find your strength again.

Please, before it totally gets out of hand, get some counselling......get a good support system in place, then leave. The only way things are going to change is if your husband sees he has a problem. If he doesnt recognise he has a problem....that everything is your fault, then you are doing yourself and your children a grave disservice by staying with this abuser.

Good luck and I wish you all the strength in the world to gather up whatever pride you have left and get you and your kids well away from this "man".

Ok, I just read your add on....it already has turned physical, he covers your mouth, he sits on you. You need a support system in place very quickly....do you have family and friends you can go to....ring up the Salvation Army...the Samaritans, social services and of course a domestic violence shelter...get that system in place....work out your plan....dont make a fuss, otherwise he will make it difficult for you to leave.....do all of this without his knowledge. Then plan a time to get out when he is at work or somewhere where he wont be home for a few hours......leave him a note if you have to....but get out quick, and do not let him know where you are because he will only hound you.....Probably make promises like he loves you and he will change....dont be sucked in. You are his possession and that is all you are. He doesnt see you as having any rights whatsoever, so you have to protect yourself and your kids and get out.....take care.

For all the people who associate emotional abuse as only being called names and putting you down, dont know what they are talking about. Being controlled, by whatever means IS abuse.

Answer 3

Has anything major changed recently? New job, new place, loss of job, etc?

It would help to know how long this has been going on to determine if it's an ongoing situation or a short term stress- related situation.

Have you tried to talk to him about how you're feeling? How did he respond? When in a relationship, it is easy to forget that no one can read your mind, and this goes doubly for men.

It does sound like he is a bit controlling from what you have typed. But it's really had to slap a label on it without knowing more of the whole history of the situation. There seems to be a very large communication gap, that will only get wider if you can't re-establish the lines of communication. Have you tried seeking the advise of a couple's counslor? If he won't talk to you, and you can't find a way of getting him to talk, it might save your relationship to get a neutral 3rd party involved.

Good luck!

Answer 4

Yeah hun, this is definitly emotional abuse.

Not only that but he is trying to control you!
You should see a marriage counsellor, or tell him to either listen to you or expect a divorce.

If he still won't listen to you try writing him an angry/emotional pouring-out letter and leave it on the table when you go to work or something, and that way he has to listen to you, and can't cut in or pretend to ignore you if he gets uncomfortable.

When you write the letter, if you even suspect the possibility of a divorce in the future make a copy of it, that way the judge and lawyers will both know AND HAVE EVIDENCE that you pointed out a problem and he did nothing to help it out.

Answer 5

I don't think your gonna like my answer, but I believe we're supposed to be honest as we can so here goes...
I don't really think this is emotional abuse, he's not calling you names and putting you down all the time and from what I gather he's not telling you that you can't do something, he's giving you an opinion and saying what he doesn't like. He doesn't like you going out with the girls and drinking, maybe that because he knows that married women going out and drinking can (not that is necessarly will) lead to trouble. If nothing else you could get picked up for a DUI, maybe his talking does sound like your being interriogated, can't know that since we aren't there to hear what he says. But maybe too your taking his questions wrong. And he has a point about sunbathers, you don't have anymore on than a bra and pair of panties, and that was just an opinion. And we're all intitled to our opinions. Sounds like that was a stupid argument over nothing and could and should have been avoided. As far as your talking about your arguments and personal problems to friends and family members, I understand part of that. Family members should be a big NO NO, it's a big mistake to involve family into your problems, odds are their going to side with the one their related to which will lead to more arguments. And could lead to strain between all concerned, because when things are patched up between the couple the family members words aren't forgotten and then your both mad at them. Talking to your friends, well that's kinda scary too, their gonna take your side because their your friends. I do think you should talk to someone but it should be someone that's not involved with either of you, someone that won't choose sides and can be imparcial. In all honesty it sounds like your looking for an excuse or reason to leave him or maybe someone to tell you that you should or it's ok if you do. If that's the case, if your not happy then you should leave, that way you can both be happy, if you don't then maybe you two together should seek counseling and kearn how to communicate.

Answer 6

I say go to a marriage counselor. It sounds like your husband has a different idea of what a marriage should be like and what he wants out of it might not be what you want, but that is ok you just have to find common ground and the counselor will help you do that. It's worth it if you love each other, best of luck.

Answer 7

Yeah I think that is mental abuse~! He has a control issue~! You are supposed to enjoy your life and that includes being with your spouse......Everyone deserves time alone to be with their friends by themselves~! I dont see anything wrong with you wanting to have a "girls" night out~! He interigates you because he is obviously insecure with either himself or your marriage~! I would look into trying to get him and yourself into some counseling before you walk away from your marriage~! Good Luck to you~!:)

Answer 8

he sounds very controlling, means he has a low self worth. how could anyone be happy living a life like this. have u tried to go to therapy? if he refuses i would not stay in the marriage. he also treats u disrespectfully, he is a controller, may be due to his childhood. why stay in something like this where u are so controlled.

Answer 9

I don't have his side of the story but it does appear to be emotion abuse based on the desire to have absolute control over others. I would definately see a counciler whether he likes it or not.

Answer 10

Yes, it is emotional abuse. He's very strongly rying to control you. It's very likely he feels so badly about himself that he believes he must manipulate and control you to keep you in his life. Translated, that means that if you knew the real him, you'd not be interested in him. Yes, it's abuse and there is no way to end it but to stop allowing it. You've probably enabled this crippling behavior. Insist that it stop. Tell him that you'll go to a counselor with him but you can't let this go on. It will be tough but well, well worth it.