I don't know what to do? Married for 15 years and 3 kids.?

Question

The day after Christmas last year, my husband of 15 years decided to tell me he was having an affair with a 50 yr old woman, I was 29 at the time. I was lost.... and in complete shock. I never thought that he would do this to me, I thought that we had REAL love for each other. He left and went to his mothers. Over the next week he told me that he no longer loved me and had not loved me for years, he also said that he wanted a divorce and took off his ring and gave it back to me. I was so sick. My children were devestated and very sad. I could not grieve for myself but for my kids. I learned that he would meet this woman after work and let our kids walk home while he was with her. I begged him to come back and after a week or so he did. I just wanted to hear him say I love you again. Now I am still not able to let this go and so sad all the time. This consumes me at times and I am not able to think about anything but this. We are still togeather but would it be easier if I just left?

Answer 1

You would be feeling so low. You begged your husband to come back, even though he told you he didnt love you....you probably used emotional blackmail to get him to come back to you....so he is there out of obligation and guilt. How would that make you feel? I dont know if he has been able to tell you he loves you, but I certainly would be wondering if he did tell you he loved you, would he be saying that out of obligation and guilt too. You would never know.

I dont think the answer is leaving, I think the answer lies in the truth. You need to sit your husband down and ask him does he want to stay married....is it something he wants to do for him and not because he feels guilty and obligated. If he is there out of obligation then you are banging your head against a brick wall unless of course you can live without the love of your husband. If he wants to stay married to you, then the only possible thing that will help you is to get some professional counselling.

I have a friend who is in a similar situation to your husband, he doesnt want to be there, but his wife used all the manipulative tricks to get him back....He cant love her, he cant even tell her he loves her even though she begs him to tell her. He is absolutely miserable, but he is afraid of what she might do if he leaves. The really sad thing is, that he is beginning to hate her.

The question you need to ask yourself is do you want a man who doesnt love you?...Is that enough for you?

Sit him down, get his real feelings out into the open and decide if the marriage can be saved. There is no way I could be with a man who I knew didnt love me....I need to be loved to feel good about myself....I need to feel I am the most important person in my man's life.....If that isnt present in my relationship then I would only be doing myself harm by hanging onto someone who didnt want me.

Find your pride and then maybe your confusion and self esteem will improve.

Answer 2

This is a tough situation to be in. There are really no winners here. Everybody loses.

But it might be a good idea for you to take charge of the situation, for your kids' sake.

My suggestion would be that YOU make the decision for him to leave (again) and to ask that you stay separate for a while. That way at least you'll have the feeling that you have some control over the situation.
I imagine that he came back because there were a lot of tears and drama, etc. He was feeling pressured. It could very well be that he will leave again.

Don't file for divorce yet, but do see a lawyer about what are your legal rights, especially in regards to child support and custody. It's always better to have all information at hand and not go into the unknown.

I do not think that you should leave. HE should leave. Why? Because he is only one person and you are 4 people (you and 3 kids). So you need to stay put where you are. But ask him to leave, at least for now. Then ask for some down time. Maybe even go to counseling. There's a lot of trust issues that need to be resolved.

And then, at a later date, he might REALLY want to come back to you for good. But then YOU can decide if you want to go ahead and actually take him back.

You sound like you have a good clear head on your shoulders. I mean, you are raising 3 kids. I think that also implies that you're quite a capable woman.
Take charge. Step by step and day by day. And imagine you were 5 or 10 years older and you were looking back at that situation from that viewpoint. How would you feel about which decision you should have taken? Was you decision the best for you and the kids in the LONG RUN?

I'll keep my fingers crossed. You can do it!!!

Good luck and hang in there!!

Answer 3

Although, you didn't say in your question, I'm assuming that your husband has stopped seeing the other woman and that's why you took him back. At least I hope so. Anyway, I can see why you aren't happy with your current situation. Once the trust has been broken in a relationship it is very hard to get it back. It sounds you are probably upset because you feel he doesn't love you but, only came back for the children. If that's the case, I would get out of the relationship for you and your children. Children can sense where there is something wrong with the marriage. you are also not being fare to yourself. You deserve to be happy and if he's not making you happy anymore, you need to ask yourself if you are willing to settle for this. You are still young and could easier find someone else, who can make you happy. Actually, you deserve it. Good luck! I hope you can find some happiness in the future.

Answer 4

I wouldn't say you should just leave...

However, if you are serious about your marriage, go to counseling. That is if he is willing to. I can't honestly tell you what I would do in this situation as I haven't faced it. A lot of people would just say move on...dump him. But once again, until you are in the situation...

Judging from what you have said though, you are afraid to leave your comfort zone. And rightfully so! But, my concern is that you begged him to come home and it sounds like he did, but didn't make a whole lot of effort after he got there.

This will always consume you until you find some resolution-whether it is in counseling, in talking to him, or simply by leaving him.

You need to do this now...for you and your kids. Talk to him, find out what you need to know. He sounds like something very strange was going on with him at the time. Your priority is to take care of yourself and your kids...and you have to take care of yourself in order to do the latter. I wish you all the luck in the world, and no matter what...never blame yourself for what he did. He is an idiot that trashed something sacred.

Answer 5

Please make sure that he is the one to leave, the kids need someone that is stable. You have the right to feel the way you do but now is the time to get angry and see a lawyer and nail his butt to a cross. Have his butt kicked out of the house and file for a divorce and let the kids know why if they are old enough so they don't think that it is them that caused this. Tell your lawyer that you want to get as much as possible and to freeze any accounts ASAP so that he doesn’t spend it to hide it in another family account. This happens all the time so protect yourself now and see a lawyer. BE STRONG AND YOU WILL PREVAIL...

Answer 6

You must always decide whether what you get from a relationship is worth the cost of being in connection with the other. Even when you are in great pain. I encourage you to talk with a therapist or counselor.
It is, BTW, not doing the children good for the two of you to live in the same house if you are not a loving couple. They learn bad lessons from that. Don't let your relationship with this guy determine your self worth and value.

Answer 7

See if he will agree to marriage counseling. If not, go yourself. Most will work on a sliding scale. If it is going to work, you not only have to forgive but to forget. And you can't even forgive unless he admits he made a mistake and can show you in some way he still loves you and won't wander again. You need to pick what it is that thing would be to prove to you he is changed. If he has not changed, then get counseling to let him go, and do so without bitterness for the childrens' sake. You'll want to keep him in Their lives for Their good.
I'm sorry. I know no one deserves this, but it happens to quite alot of us.

Answer 8

You deserve to have love in your life.It is good to wonder if the kids will be ok but it is amazing how they manage to adjust in these situations.You are young you have to think of your own happiness now.When the children grow up and leave home you will have sacrificed your whole life for your kids.As for your husband sh-- happens if he doesn't love you,what in the heck do you want him around for.What he had with the other woman,in my opinion was just sex,having said that it would be enough for me to tell him to take a hike ,I have my pride.

Answer 9

He is definitely not commited to you or even the kids if he can make them walk home.alone. What if something happened to one of them? I think your answer to this question would be very easy. If you're not happy then your kids aren't either. If he is back with you now how do you know he isn't still seeing the other woman ? He truly can't be trusted. Without trust you have nothing!!!!!

Answer 10

I think you have to leave him for good. Its not wise to keep insisting yourself to him, your loosing all your dignity in doing that. The best way to go is to explain to your kids the current situation and deal with it. Raise them as you can, ask for monthly allowance from him and dont just let him off the hook.