Revised poem? Read it and tell me what you think!?

Question

Life's Like That


Cold and grey,
your hair blown astray.
Flustered lost,a windswept sunhat.
It may be confusing, but life's like that.


Nervous with jitters,
heart's butterflies flitter.
perhaps your shy, oh what a drat.
Left in the shadows, life's like that.


Crazy with worry, feeling insane,
riding around, on an un-stopping train,
Not sure of where you're going,or even where you're at,
spun like a spinner, life's like that.


Not feeling well, full of regret.
your feelings are obvious, by your brow full of sweat.
full of remorse, you feel small as a gnat.
It's merely human nature, because life's like that.


Now you're happy and elated,
aren't you glad that you waited?
Can you guess whats coming, a happy ending, just that!
And well, why else? Because life's sometimes like that.

Oh, and please rate it 1-10. Also, should you want to, suggest changes etc. Most commentary/crituiquin helps!

I wrote this poem, I'm 13

How would I go about entering this in a contest? I'm sort of afraid to approach my Language Arts Teacher, because she might not let me enter. Do you think I should approach my Advanced Reading teacher instead? It's not really a reading class, more like an "explore" class. We read articles about all parts of the world, then write essays on them, 3/4 times a month. He's a bit more open minded, and might appreciate it better? ANy suggestions would help on that too. Should I give it to him to read? Also: I'm not sure if I could have him be the teacher I enter it with. It says "language arts" teacher. he's not my "language arts" teacher. I need help!! SHould I enter it in the contest??!!

Sorry, error! I wasn't thinking properly. WAHat about "Non-stopping train"? Much better?? Thanks for the heads up!

What about this for the last stanza??

Now you're happy and elated,
aren't you glad that you waited?
A tire lacking air, my poem's gone flat,
So here's the happy ending, because life's sometimes like that.

Answer 1

i believ 10 its a wondeerful peom and who ever wrote that is a very great artist

Answer 2

It's very good. You have rhymed the first two lines and the last two lines -- an interesting pattern. Also, the poem has very good imagery. The only thing that didn't quite fit was your next to the last line in the last stanza. You used "that" twice, both in that line and the last line. Let's get a better word to rhyme with "that", and also your rhythm is off in that next to last line and the last line. Try and revise those last two lines, to keep the flow, and get a better rhyming word for "that". Otherwise, I would give you an 8, with 10 being the best score. Let's try for a 10. I know you can do it. Try these lines for example:

"Can you guess what's coming just under the mat?
"A happy ending-- 'cause life's like that!"

You can probably do much better than my example, but can you see how the rhythm and rhyme is more consistent with the rest of the poem? Now you've got the idea, so go to work on it. Good luck, dear. You do great for as young as you are-- a poet laureate in the making!

Answer 3

very well written for a 13 yrs old -give u a 7

Answer 4

its really great
especially b/c you are only 13
but...
un-stopping isnt a word
;)