i need some help with my wife please?

Question

Me and my wife are currently seperated she is living with her parents I love her dearly and dont want to lose her. She has a problem letting go of the past I will admit that I was a jerk in the early part of are marriage but I have since gotten help and have changed. She has a fear that I will change back into my old self . She is also scared that she dosent make me happy at all Iam happy but she will not listen to me she says it might end in divorce it will crush me if it does what can I do please someone help me Iam scared and lonley and I need some help please

Answer 1

You were a jerk in the early stages of the marriage so I am assuming you were unfaithful to her, and with that assumption I will say that there is the distinct possibility that your wife, while she is scared that you will do the same thing again, she may have moved on. From a woman's perspective, when a man "cheats" it destroys a lot of things about ourselves...the main one being our self esteem. We do take these things on board and we think to ourselves what we did wrong to make you wander. We then think we werent good enough to keep you....that is a fact with most of us. Hell, yes, people make mistakes and they change, but the damage done to your wife cut her to the quick and it made her think about herself as some second rate person. It is the very odd woman indeed who takes their husband back after infedility to not compare herself to the other woman. She would be wondering what you were really thinking about when you were making love to her....she would be wondering if she was as good as this other woman....Gee, so many negative things happen to a woman when their husband cheats. You may have changed and are sincere, but believe that the damage done to your wife is going to need time to heal, and probably counselling.

The best thing I could suggest is dont put any pressure on your wife, take it easy....maybe make a date for coffee, but assure her there are no strings attached. Just dont put any pressure on her. Woo her again, date her as if it was the first time. Tell her you understand how she would be feeling and say that you think both of you need some counselling.

Unfortunately for some women we cant go back, that one act of infedility destroys our faith in love, destroys any trust we believed we had. You can try, and lets hope your wife still has love for you to want to try and work this out. It will take time, so be prepared to wait until she comes around, if, in fact, she ever does....maybe she really has moved on, in which case you will have no other option than to let her go.

Try the dating, try that approach first. On a positive note though, with counselling, some marriages can come back together and be stronger than they ever were previously. Dont give up....she may still love you enough to work this out with you.

Answer 2

You should both go to a marriage counselor together and talk out these issues. You cannot correct any of her thinking and probably cannot give her enough reassurance. There coes a time to forgive and forget and move forward and I do not think your wife has done that. Mentioning divorce all the time is a type of emotional blackmail towards you. This is not something that you two can work out without help.

Answer 3

Without knowing what it was you did as a "jerk" it's a little tough to advise. But, here's a "go" at it. She won't let you back into her life unless and until she believes you very seriously get exactly how much damage you did to her "self" as a jerk. So, you've got to listen very hard and ask her how your behavior affected her. Repeat what she says back to her and let her know that you hear and understand. THEN, and only then, an apology may persuade her to give you a second chance.

Answer 4

I really dont understand what is really going on with your relationship with your wife but i will say this. It is very hard to make someone be with you if they dont want to be. I believe if you want to make things work dont push things to hard or you will drive her further away. I would simply let her know how you feel and tell her how much you love her and want to work things out then give her some time to think about it for a while. Make shure that what you say to her makes her really think. And if she gives you that second chance then be really good to her. But she needs to be good to you also. It goes both ways. I also think that talking to someone close to you or seeking some help might help you get through this. Its sounds like this is Playing hard on you and you need some kind of help to get through. I will pray for you. God bless and good luck. Hope this was helpful a little atleast.

Answer 5

You must constantly remind her that no ones perfect. You need to also learn that you have learned from your mistakes and you need to let her know how you have changed. Give it a little time try to maybe just phone her first, do this for a while. Then buy her some flowers and let her know why she means so much to you. Express your words to her in writing or in person. If she loves you she will come back believe me but don't let go and be patient. You must always let her know why shes so important to you and why you need her in your life and how it will be without her. "Don't say words like I can't live without you" , "I will die without you" and etc etc that wll just show that you are weak and you only need her for your advantage, just let her know how shes important.

I hope everything works out in time......

Answer 6

Well I think during this time your separated you will need to earn her trust in you , need to let her know that you have made the first positive step by getting help for whatever it was and that wouldnt of happened if you didnt want to change your ways...and to me if you didnt want these relationship you wouldnt want to change or work at it.....but down the road she is going to need to come home and start anew living apart too long wont help the situation....

Answer 7

Well, you say you love your wife, but does your wife love you still? If she does not, there is nothing you can do to win her back.

If she does, only your consistent positive actions and reassurance over a period of time she deems will get you back together. Don't turn into a wimp, women don't like wimps. Be a tender MAN.

Answer 8

She needs to realize that by staying seperated it will eventually end in divorce. Try to get her to go to couple's counseling but if she won't continue to go by yourself. Try dating her and earning her trust. At least you admit that you messed up and have worked on changing. Don't keep beating yourself up over past behaviours. Hold your head up high and if it doesn't work out, know that you will do better in your next relationship.

Answer 9

I'm about to be in your wife's shoes. I will be moving in w/my parents for awhile b/c of my husband & if he ever wants to even think about me coming back to him he will have to try harder than he has ever tried at anything. He would definitely have to show me rather than tell me how he feels & what he wants. You are going to have to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that you have changed...otherwise she may be gone for good. It will be alot of work but I'm sure she is worth it to you. Good luck, I hope everything works out for the best for you two!
P.S. I'm not trying to sound negative....I'm just trying to give you an honest opinion from a woman.(especially one that can relate somewhat to what your wife is going thru)

Answer 10

Good for you that you can admit you were a jerk, and that you have got help for it.

You need to prove yourself to her, you need to tell her how happy she makes you, what she means to you and so on, not only how you feel, but you need to follow them with your actions, i do beleive you care for her and you need to show her that, and that what you have done in the past has hurt her, tell her what you are prepared to do to make your marriage work... goodluck with it all.