my marriage is falling apart, what do i do?

Question

my husband has a lot of issues with depression and alcohol. when he gets drunk, he points out all my flaws and tells me i was the biggest mistake of his life, etc. when he sobers up, he apologizes and says it was just the depression/alcohol talking.
recently he's decided what he needs to do is move in with a buddy to 'get his head together' and get his drinking 'under control' before we decide to work things out or get a divorce. he's done this sort of thing a couple times before, and it's always ineffectual.
i have a lot of anger that i'm trying to work through with the situation, compounded by the fact that we have a four month old son. i feel he's walking out on his family and running from responcibility.
what should i do?

Answer 1

Your husband is a drunk. The sooner you face it, the sooner you can get help.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Answer 2

I'll bet you have a lot of anger--- most of it ought to be aimed at yourself.... why in the hell are you still there? And why did you complicate an already awful situation by bringing a child into this????

Let me explain... I don't answer many of these, but this one is just sooooo obvious....

Alcoholics, hon, ---- addicts of any sort--- are already in a relationship, it just isn't with you, or your child, or anything, not even his job. And he will never be in a relationship with you..... As an addict, he is already taken...at every level of involvement....

If marriage is respect, admiration passion and trust, how much of that do you feel for this guy, and he for you??? I'd guess not many, and not a very big amount of any of them.... pretty hard to admire and respect a drunk who then tears you down, and cannot solve issues without the booze, nor without the rage. The comes up with the pitiful excuse that it is the booze talking --- yeah sure. You are still there because you share a common history --- and not a very pleasant one either, I'll bet. (and women fear the unknown more than the reality... rather like the beaten dog who stays because he's afraid to run.....) There is no way you wouldn't be resentful for all of it.... his drinking, his abusive words, the time you have put in, his non-involvement with his own child, and no involvement with you, his wife..... yadyadaydayda.....

Depression, meds for depression and alcohol, just don't mix, he knows it, his doctor knows it, and so do you.

Has he walked out of his family? You betta believe it... the two of you now are a real and threatening impedance to his first love, alcohol.

He will never get his head together as long as he is drinking, and even those who get into AA are not "cured" of booze --- call them, and ask them. Their success rate isn't even 50%.

You asked what you should do. First: In your place, I'd get some counseling to figure out why my self esteem is so low that this is all I could ever hope for in a relationship. I'd try to figure out why I allow my self to be the door mat, and I sure as hell would figure that not under this roof would I wish to rear my child.


Here's what my mom told me as a teen:
1. The most important decision you will ever make is in the choice of a husband. Choose wisely.
2. Never make me a grandmother before you make me a mother in law. And never have children until your marriage is rock solid. Children can destroy anything. And never have children that you yourself cannot support in a fashion you wish. Marriage is not a lifelong meal ticket. You will indeed have to work sometime during your marriage, maybe for decades. Get paid for it.
3. Finish your education, and qualify for high paying jobs.
4. Always have a stash of cash even if you know you will never need it... you will. and the more the better.

Secondly: If you had been my sister, you blew it on #2. But it is not too late for the rest of it.

What would I do now? Realize that even if he enters AA you are looking at many years of it, and counseling for the two of you, and you may not come out ahead even at the end of 6 or 7 years. Frankly, I'd cut my losses, divorce the guy, go back to school. Being single for awhile, would sure beat the situation you are in now.....

Good luck, hon

Answer 3

Well, I guess my biggest and most prominent question would be this. Was he this way before you said I do? If he was, then you sort of had an idea of what you were getting into. Even if you didnt have a clear idea, then you still signed on for life by your own choice.

Now, a lot of people will argue, disagree, talk of how its about how you feel or some other junk. Plain and simple, you had a choice and you made it. That for better/worse, richer/poorer/ sickness/health stuff, meant just what it said. If he cheats, then you have a claim. Otherwise, you have a right to be pissed and mad, but not divorced.

No matter what people say, no matter what justifications they use, no matter what peoples opinion is, it has no impact upon right or wrong and it doesnt change what marriage is or the rules of it.

Answer 4

Yeah, this is a mess. Alcohol is a depressant, so he is compounding his problems. He's depressed, so he drinks, but since that's a depressant, he becomes more depressed or mean. His excuse is old and used up. Unless he is willing to beat back the alcohol thing, I don't think you two stand much of a chance. He has to decide between alcohol or his marriage. If he should choose marriage then he needs to dry out and stay dry. He's a mean drunk and you're his target. And going to his buddy's is just a grown man's frat party. Yeah, that will help him. He's either tired of hearing from you, tired of hurting you, or just simply escaping. There is no escape, he needs to stand up like a man and deal with his problems. But instead he's trying to drown them, or hide behind depression.

He needs individual therapy, and after a few sessions just for him, then you two need couples therapy.

Answer 5

Hi girl,

I feel the same way, but not for the same reasons. My husband doesn't get drunk by drinking, he gets drunk with anger and does the same thing. Puts me down, calls me names, says I'm a mistake, and then spends the next week trying to make it up to me. When he's not mad, he's a good person.

I think you should confide in a close family member or friend, in case you need a place to stay...whatever he decides, you will have to be the strong person. You'll have to take care of your baby, and be the responsible parent. Dont' worry about him, I know you love him, but your son needs you more. If he walks away from you and your son, then he'll regret it someday when your son doesn't want to reconnect with him, or hang out with him. You'll be his mentor and his rock.

Concentrate on you right now. You're the best friend you'll ever have.

Answer 6

Some people just become disinhibited when they're drunk, and say things they mean but wouldn't normally say. Others undergo complete personality shifts, and actually become entirely different people. It may be that your husband is the latter category, and that you really shouldn't take what he says when drunk at all seriously.

I just wonder whose idea the four-month-old was. That's got to be the stupidest decision of all, and now this poor li'l frog has to grow up in an environment like Bhagdad.

If your husband is 'walking out on his family' it probably means he likes it better out there. The decision is yours, really: if you want him back, you may have to make the home environment nicer. If you don't, tell him not to come back.

CD

Answer 7

if he needs to get his head and alcohol under control then he could do it at home with his family cause if a woman or a man really loves each other and their kids they will do whatever it takes to stand together and work through all the bad along with the good.....if this has happened a couple of times before then you need to just move on i know you probably love this man but love is not letting someone take advantage of you, point out all your flaws, belittle you, tell you that you were a mistake........ you wouldnt be a mistake to a man that really and truely loved you.....there is someone for everyone and i dont think he is right for you......i am not degrading men by no means but if these women that were having these types of problems with these kinds of men then put his tale on the road and tell him not to look back.......when someone belittles you they have to be little themselves and he is a coward not a man ......you all have a baby together and you have the baby to think about not the coward....good luck

Answer 8

I would suggest u calmly talkto him whenhe is sober and tell him that u are leaving to go live ur auntor someone coz u dont likehis alchoholism. Give him the choice to go to rehab and stop this nonsence once and for all....Coz it might cause more problems while ur sons personality is developing which gets developed by the age of 2 years.
If after x much time (u can fill in the "x" depending upon the time it takes to rehab) he is alright and willing to schange his habits of living with his buddy.then u might consider dissolving the separation otherwise it might end in a divorce.
Sorry if u cant move out..its just a suggestion..Hope it hepls.
Prayers.

Answer 9

Honey, you should have never never had a child with that man because he will not get any better until he stops drinking and in time he may turn his anger on the child.

Take the baby and leave him. You are in a vicious cycle of abuse and promises. I know because I lived it for seven years of my life: wasted.

Make a new life for yourself and your son. Call the police if he abuses you anymore.

He threatens divorce to control you. If you tell him you want a divorce it will be another story: get out while you are still young and the baby is young.

Answer 10

ALcohol seems to be a truth serum. I have found that most men tell the real truth when they are drinking. His excuse for moving out is very lame. You should check on the real reason why. And don't a fool for his lies, thats all they are. Maybe you need to rethink your marriage, you deserve so much better than that. So does your little baby. What is most important is the happiness of you and your baby. If he doesn't want to be apart of it, then he needs to go.

Answer 11

I would tell him that you need to go to counseling and AA - that is the way to get the drinking under control. Him moving in with a buddy is just leaving the situation to party for a while and then, what, when he misses you he comes back?? Meanwhile, you are taking care of your son while he is screwing around?

I wouldn't put up with this for a minute...... if it were me, I would tell him if he leaves, it's for good. No temporary separation while I decide if I want to work things out, blah, blah, blah....he is playing games and you are letting him. That is a bunch of B.S. getting drunk and tearing you apart....you need to think of your child. What are you going to do when he gets drunk and starts tearing him/her up? It will damage their psyche....put a stop to it now.