i had been with him for 4 yrs-for 3 yrs he has been wanting to get married.we set a date May26th, he was going to move here with me and then after i have paid for most of the wedding he changes his mind.he always told me i was his life-his world-what happened?how can you just have a change of heart?im lost right now-so empty-so hurt. i love him so much.i have been hurt in the past but this one takes the cake-this hurts so much more-words cant even describe.the last time i talked to him he could only bring up the negative things that happened a while ago-we had already talked about it and he still was moving here.i just dont understand-if he loved me so much why did he do this?i know it is a huge move but for him to be so scared to put an end to it all -this cant be the reason.i dont know i need some help-please give your insight to this-help me understand. there is no one else-he is not a cheater. could he really be that scared to make this move to another state?
2007-03-21 10:03:42 · 19 answers · asked by terry t 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
i was paying for the wedding cuz my ring was 2000.00 so i was paying for the wedding-but he did deposit 900 in my acct. a few minutes ago. i told him i didnt want any contact with him.i lived in Ca. i moved to Ky to take care of my mom(died 9-26) so now im taking care of my dad-so he knows i cant go to Ca so he siad he would move here.i have gotten rid of everything either took it back or threw away- i still have to deal with my dress i just cant bring myself to do it. im just so tore apart. i really thank all of you for your insight!!!! it helps
2007-03-21 10:19:08 · update #1
I know what you are going through...I was 29 when the same thing happened to me!
It was so terrible that I sank into a deep depression and lost 60 pounds! My parents were really worried and helped me enormously...so did my few, very close friends.
What I wanted to say is this, sweetie:
1. You will survive. I know you don't believe this right now, but trust me..you will. And you will be stronger in the future.
2. There is someone out there, waiting for you. You have to give yourself time to heal first. You have to take time for this. Rushing is no good.
3. I agree with someone who wrote : "Better now than later."
In my country we have a saying: "It's better to weep for a month than to cry for a lifetime." This refers exactly to your heartache and pain right now...Of course you feel awful and you are entitled to this; but don't feel like you cannot survive without him or that he was The One.
Sorry to say this, but if a man really loves a woman, he will do just about anything for her.
And if this guy walked out right now, it's for the best.
My hunch is he is too scared of marriage and this was the only way he could handle his fear.
Bid him goodbye and wish him well. Concentrate on you and on yourself- be good to yourself.
Remember---you cannot give what you do not have.
If you don't love and respect yourself, you cannot love or respect another person.
You will be on my mind.....and prayers. Good luck!
2007-03-21 10:34:32 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would seriously suggest counseling for yourself and if you can get him to go with you to premarital counseling, that would help a lot. Without knowing a lot more about the situation it's hard to say whether it is cold feet or not. It just takes time to heal from such a long relationship. You do have a case though to get some of the money back that you spent on the wedding. An engagement is a verbal contract (hopefully he gave you an engagement ring) and therefore in small claims court you could get monetary restitution for part or all that you spent for the wedding. Get a lawyer if you can.
It may or may not be worth it, depending on how much you paid for the wedding.
2007-03-21 17:39:13 · answer #2 · answered by Sara B 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He was probably scared of getting married for a long time, but faked excitement about it to keep you happy and not rock the boat. Bad on this guy for waiting until the last minute to realize it and get cold feet. I'm sorry for you. There's nothing left you can do. Even if you get back together with him there's going to be too many guilt issues and it will never be the same again. Mistakes like this haunt people for the rest of their lives. Luckily, it will be him haunted, not you. You just have to learn from it so it doesn't happen again.
2007-03-21 17:09:28 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes. But what do you want his reason to be? Does it really matter? Do you think you can fix it if you know what it is? Would you rather he stood you up at the alter? (This happened to a friend of mine). Or go through a divorce?
Look for the positive - you are going to be alright. Yes, it hurts and there is no way around that. But experience also tells me you will be fine and will have great experience and wisdom to help others after you who will experience the same. You are not the first and you won't be the last to go through this. It will be okay, it really will.
2007-03-21 17:09:32 · answer #4 · answered by Stefka 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe the best way to get answers is to talk in person and not the phone. Make a trip to his place and talk to him face to face. Then ask the ulitimate question:
Are we over? A simple yes/no question for him to answer. IF he says yes then you must accept it call off the wedding and ask him to reimburse you for half of any money you can not get refunded back.
IF he says no, then ask what the situation with the wedding is, on/off or post poned make him answer!!
Wish you the best!
2007-03-21 17:13:52 · answer #5 · answered by hey_there_heathe 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to be an adult. Getting married is a big step. Better that you broke up than divorce later on in the relationship. Time to move on.
2007-03-21 17:14:16 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
There are a lot of jaded people here and I am not sure this is where you should look for an answer to this horrible turn of events in your life. Just dont let this destroy you. Worse things have happened.
2007-03-21 17:08:16 · answer #7 · answered by PuckDog 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, he could be really that scared;;;however, my question is why were u the only one paying for the wedding plans...sounds like he did u a favor by ending it before it became legal....
consider yourself lucky
2007-03-21 17:07:58 · answer #8 · answered by sunbun 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If this man really loved you the way that you think, he would've moved a mountain to get to you...This is typical behavior of a man who's interest lies elsewhere...If a man wants you, there is nothing you can do to keep him away...If a man doesn't want you, theres nothing you can do to make him stay..Begin your healing process, and if it is destined, he'll return. Be honest with yourself, is this really someone you can trust with your heart?
2007-03-21 17:11:12 · answer #9 · answered by Shanetta W 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it is better his changed his mind now than after he marry you and change his mind. He is not ready to settle down, to be fair, ask him to pay half of the money you spend on the unfinished wedding. He do not love you enough to marry you.
2007-03-21 17:12:05 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋