Resentful after intimacy pt 2?

Question

Thanks to those who answered the first part of my question. I realized I should be more clear. I am married, he loves me unconditionally, we have good sex (although boring sometimes), I never slept around, just messed around, but that was years ago. After doing anything sexual with my husband I feel angry and resentful. I've realized I mostly feel used. I do believe it has to do with past experiences where I was looking for love, but did it the wrong way. My husband does not use me. Even when it's me initiating sex I feel used after. He's very affectionate, I'm not. I'm a very sexual person, but this is conflicted with my feelings afterwards. Any advice? Yes, people have mentioned therapy, I agree, but any other advice? Anyone else experienced this?

It's almost like I believe that anyone who likes me must have something wrong with them, so I resent him after.

the experience from my past was my first time, where he tricked me into doing it with him then told me he liked my best friend (we were 19) and never talked to me again.

I wasn't messing around when I was married, that was long before. Yes, I am able to orgasm once in a while, but often sex is painful, so, no, I don't always get enjoyment out of it. Yes, I love my husband, but we may not connect emotionally as much as we could.

Answer 1

It is intuitively insightful of you to recognize your insufficienty, especially as manifested by your statement, "...it's almost as if there must be something wrong with them if they like me," (or words to that effect). The problem is within yourself. Marriage counseling or therapy will not help. You need individual psychotherapy to address your self-esteem issues. I would advise that you get this quickly. You can function and lead a normal life leaving these issues unresolved, but you will never reach a sense of personal fulfillment. And life is short, no? Don't you deserve to be happy? I think you do. And I think this can be resolved. Seek professional psychiatric help. Within a matter of months you will be glad you did. Good luck to you.

Answer 2

Firstly what you need to appreciate is that you have a loving husband who loves you. Its a blessing you should be thankful of. Sex sweeping your feet away every time, it only happens in movies. In real life not every day is sunday. You need to find the reason of that anger and resentfulness with in yourself. You wrote he loves you but you never mentioned do you really love him? It can be coz of some stress which you may have developed not knowing about it.

Try to forget the past bad experiences. Stop living in memories. You can make it better right from now onwards. Talk to your husband and tell him about your expectations and emotions. Share every thought with him, no matter good or bad. It will not only relieve you but also he would become more loving and understanding towards you.

Messing around is ok if you are not married. Marriage is responsibility which should be enjoyed and fulfilled with your level best efforts. Cheers!

Answer 3

You know you ask for something other than therapy, but that's exactly what you need. You have attached something awesome (sex) with something that you must loathe. You have to find out what that something is and excise it from your psyche. I think that's exactly what a good therapist can help you do.

Sex is designed to draw two people together in a very intimate way, but you have evidently not experienced that in the past. It sounds like somewhere back there you started using it for recreation and it's a bit functional for you (has nothing to do with connecting). The key is to learn to allow sex to be that "connecting" thing again and not a way to take out hostility, or what ever purpose it has come to serve as for you. A good therapist will help you pull all this stuff apart and throw out the bad, so the good will be soooo much better.

Answer 4

From what you're saying, therapy sounds like a good idea, though you should be upfront going in, you are not looking for a permenant therapist - you are looking for some specific suggestions to help you in this area.

From what you're saying, your husband is not doing anything 'wrong'. However, its possible there might be something 'right' he could do that would help you.

I am not a therapist. But I'll throw out ideas anyway.

Do you focus more on him during sex, or on yourself?
Is there a deal in your mind, where if you do something, you get something back? Other people don't know about these deals!
Do you feel that sex is dirty or wrong? Do you resent your husband for 'debasing' you?

Answer 5

I think you hit the nail on the head....I get the same feelings, but with time and some efforts with myself they are going away. It's insecurity. About your relationship, (is he attentive to your desires, in and outside the bedroom?) about your sexuality (are you sure you are a sexual person? what do you like about sex? the physical feeling or the emotional connection?), about your value and self-worth. Make sure you are having sex for the right reasons when you do it. Work on building your self-esteem. Learn about and get your emotional needs met outside the bedroom. Sex should be a manifestation of your feelings for your partner. I don't think you are feeling used.....Could it be that you are using him, and you are feeling guilty about it? Maybe that you have a hard time connecting emotionally with him and so you have to do it through sex? Is sex the only time your husband is attentive to you? Could it be that you still carry guilt from unresolved "messing around" you did before?
Take some time to really search your heart and through therapy and prayer find out what is missing. You'll be rewarded with sex that is fulfilling and enjoyable.... and you'll feel at peace.

Answer 6

You need to gain some confidence in yourself and tell yourself that you are worth it. Your husband is with you because he loves you. Quite a personal question would be do you have orgasms because if you don't then you would probably feel used afterwards (that was my problem for years! I thank the Kama Sutra for that problem solved). I would also Suggest therapy because there may be an underlying cause to why you feel the way you do. I hope this helps! Good luck to you. REMEMBER THAT YOUR HUSBAND THINKS YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL SO DONT THINK HE IS WEIRD FOR IT!!! You probably are and just dont see it yourself! That's alot of womens problems.

Answer 7

The resentment comes from the past. You need to think back of the one love that truely hurt you and then write it on a piece of paper how that you have forgiven this person and then burn it like burning the bridge behind you and you will see that those feeling will end...Unless the hurt has come from your husband, then this would cause for different action...

Answer 8

My first inclination is to suggest therapy, but you did not mention whether you and your husband have had heart-to-heart talks about this. While I do believe some type of therapy or counseling would be beneficial, talk out your feelings with each other, maybe even write them down and share them with each other. Good luck!

Answer 9

Low self steem. If you beileve that people are "outta getcha", then you will live a miserable life.
Why would someone be so bad to marry you so they can use you> Why someone has to have "something wrong with them" in order to like you???

I believe that you have unresolved issued with sex, probably caused by sexual abuse as a child/teen.

Seek therapy and meds to deal with your issues,

Good luck

Answer 10

deep down you must feel that even though you are a sexual person as you say you feel like sex itself is something dirty and you should not gain any pleasure from it so it must be something to do with your self esteem, I like the idea of therapy and think you could benefit from it, I would feel differently if your husband was not affectionate to you and was a selfish lover but you indicate he is not so it must be something along the lines i have stated