Responsible for our own feelings?

Question

Lately, I have been thinking about the theory that people are responsible for their own feelings. I agree with this for the most part. But it does seem in many cases that this is not always true. How we treat others matters how they feel about you. If I were to kick someone and make them feel bad, wouldn't it be my responsibilty? If I lied to someone and they were hurt by this, wouldn't I have played some part in the role of hurting their feelings? I am unable to sort through this... any thoughts?

Someone I know has been abusing this theory by doing as they please without regard to anyone else. Later claiming that they have no responsibilty for how it makes anyone feel. I guess this is how I got stuck on the topic...

Answer 1

Not entirely.

You are responsible if you kick someone for no good reason, and they get hurt. You have to be responsible for that.

Now, on the other hand if you are talking, stating your opinion honestly, and someone gets their feelings hurt, it is that person's choice whether or not to get offended or not to get offended.

I know this is possible from my work in a call center. I am not allowed to be human, and have feelings, or react and get angry when a customer yells, curses, and throws a fit.

I think it is a combination of the both, it's a gray area, not black and white, just like everything else in life.

Answer 2

I think its great your a deep thinker.
Wish more people were.

The way in which you treat others, negative or positive, will create your feelings.
The way in which others treat you, negative or positive is up to you how you accept it.
It still does apply that we are responsible for our own feelings.

We live in a world where so much we hear about, and so much that is thrown at us, can have an impact on us.....so, it is up to us, to be responsible for how we react to it all.

Keep in mind that when it is said that being responsible for our own feelings, it does not mean that we don't allow for the sadness and angry to exist in us. That is the human part. And the part that allows us to know the difference between the good and bad in our feelings and hence to protect us as well.

Answer 3

I've said people are responsible for their feelings, but what I mean by that is that they are responsible not to let their feelings rule them.

Frankly, someone operating on feelings first CAN (not always) act in a selfish fashion. We often see the phrase, "follow your heart" which to me is code for 'go ahead, be selfish'

Being hurt by a lie is one thing, and it's not reasonable to tell someone they should not be hurt by a lie or an affair or anything.

However, if one allows a lie or an affair to define who they are. So when I hear someone say, "He made me mad." That's not entirely true. Their actions may have evoked anger, but it doesn't MAKE you mad.

If you lie or cheat or anything like that, you are responsible for the hurt your actions cause.

However, if you do these acts and your spouse tries to kill you, you are not responsible for their decision to try to kill you.

When I say a person needs to own their feelings it's more along the lines of when a person says they don't feel loved, or they have self-esteem issues, or something along those lines, then it's not clear cut that another person makes them feel "bad" or "worthless" or any of these other feelings.

At some point, the person having the negative feelings, after making a respectful request of the hurtful person to stop the behavior, still experiences the behavior, they need to remove themselves from the situation.

Example:

When you yell at me, it breaks my heart, so I ask that you stop yelling at me.

If they continue to yell, the hurt person needs to leave, since you cannot control the actions of another.

Answer 4

You're getting caught up in pure sophistry; that's your problem.

People are responsible for their own actions. What you rationalize and feel are just two aspects of your whole cognitive mind. What you think, feel and do are who you are. You are responsible for your actions, and you can grow emotionally and rationally, but what is most important is that you acknowledge who you are: your actions, emotions and rational intellect need to be congruent or you lack integrity and send mixed messages and arouse mistrust in others.

It's simple really. People make it hard. If you think one thing and feel another, then you are on a twisted path toward no integrity. Good luck.

Answer 5

It's a give and take situation.You are right about this. We are responsible for our own feelings but others can be held accountable for manipulating the things that happened to us to make us feel the way we do.As you said some people do what ever they like and bend the rules just to satisfy their own needs and personal gain with out regard for others.

Answer 6

While this theory is true, it works in conjunction with another theory. The Law of attraction. The law of attraction states that you attracts things to you that have a similar frequency to you. So, if on some deep level, you are not loving yourself, you will attract people who do not love you. If you are afraid of intimacy, you will attract people who are unavailable to be committed. If you place high value on yourself and love yourself, you will attract people who feel the same about you.

Of course this law gets a bit trickier when we are talking about children who are being abused. I’m not going to go into that right now because you are a grown woman and it doesn’t really apply to your situation.

Everything you see is a mirror for you. Think, in what ways are you treating yourself the way this person is treating you?

I guarantee that if you deal with whatever that is inside yourself, heal it and replace it with more positive things that bring you joy that this person will either disappear from your life or stop being this way toward you. Perhaps you’ll set better boundaries for who you let into your life. Perhaps they’ll just naturally stop being in the same places you are in when are in the mindset of being cruel. (Which could mean that they are completely removed from your life) Perhaps it will be a combination of those things, but it works every time.

If you think about it, if some stranger bumps into you on the street, you can take it as a personal slight, or you can shrug it off as them having some issue that has nothing to do with you personally. If you take it as something personal, you are heavily identifying with a victim like mentality and so you will attract more people to you who will do things that validate that feeling. That is where being responsible for your feelings, and the law of attraction meet up.

Answer 7

Being responsible for your own parties does not absolve others of guilt.

If someone does something bad to you, they are at fault.

For the victim to move forward, its helpful for them to focus on what they do control - their reaction and feelings. That's what's meant by being responsible for your own feelings.

As for your friend, the examples you gave - lying and kicking - yeah, they'd be at fault. On the other hand, if someone is honest about what they want, and that makes other people sad, tough.

Answer 8

You're responsible for your own feelings. But that doesn't mean that others don't have to take responsibility on how they affect others with their behavior. Anyway the part you're most responsible for is for letting anyone second guess yourself.

Answer 9

I think people are responsible for their actions. When you get to a certain age you know right from wrong. If the person has any kind of common sense they know that their actions are hurting other people. It's a given really. They just don't want to take the responsiblity.

Answer 10

I feel that each one of us is responsible for our choices. Of course, our choices are shaped by many things, including our environment - we all operate within certain constraints. In many places around the world, these choices are severely limited; but I feel that in a place like the US, people have an extraordinary power to choose their path for themselves. In an ideal world, everyone would be considerate of everyone else, and we would all live peacefully; however, we're not living in an ideal world, so we have to take our destiny into our own hands. There will always be people who do "anything they please", who feel they're "above" anyone else and are entitled to do what they want with no regard for other people. It is unfortunate. There is no need for each one of us to become such a person - but we DO have a free choice of whom we associate with. If someone lied to you - don't trust them again; if someone hurt you once - don't give them the opportunity to do it again. You can't control how other people behave, but you CAN control your own attitude; if you choose to continue being around the person who hurts you, you've got no one but yourself to blame.