Why is my 13 yr old boy out of control?

Question

My oldest son turned 13 at the beginning of this month. If he isnt hiding in his room he is fighting with his 11 yr old brother and 6 yr old sister. He has went from being and honor roll student to almost failing, and has ZERO respect. For example I spent 2 days working VERY hard to get my Living room, Dining room and Kitchen rearranged and immaculate. My son decided to wipe spagetti sauce on the front of the cabinet in the kitchen, he knows finances are hard but still "sneaks" all the snacks I have set aside for my daughter for school making me run out before the end of the month and does it even tho I have explained the situation...he has even hunted them down when I hide them. He thinks the world revovles around him and that he knows everything. WHAT DO I DO. Does anyone have any ideas on how to manage this. He has ADHD, is medicated. I am going through a divorce but he is glad to be away from his step father, his father that he didnt even know commited suicide.

Answer 1

He has some major problems in his life, talk to a school councilor if you can't afford a private one, he is acting out and no one here can effectively help you out. That this is beyond normal behavior for a 13 year old, even one that is acting out is something you recognized. A professional who is up on your sons problems and who knows both of you and the situation will be able to give you specifics that will be far more helpful than any generalization we can give here.
I have read many of the posts here, and I can tell they haven't a clue as to the effects of ADHD or your parenting. As to trying to diagnose bipolar or clinical depression from a paragraph, let alone a paragraph written by someone other than the subject... well, that just leaves me amazed.
Please use you good judgment, you know your son, see a professional.

Answer 2

So did you make him clean up the sauce from the cabinet??? Do you make him pay to replace the snacks??? Do you punish him for going through your house and getting into things you have put away??? Part of this is normal behavior from a 13 yr old, like staying in his room and fighting with siblings, part of it is from going through a divorce, some of it may be ADHD (even though I don't believe in it) and the rest, well you would have had to be teaching him respect all along and giving out punishments when needed. Why is he so glad to be away from the step Father, could it be he tried to discipline him and you interfered??? Better find a way to get him under control NOW, it's only going to get worse!!!

Answer 3

Well, it seems like his life kinda sucks right now. I'm a teenager with ADHD too, and I know that it's pretty hard to control the mood swings. Luckily, I gravitate more towards the happy side of things, but I do lash out occasionally. He's probably working out some tough things in his life. The world does not revolve around him, but ut does not revolve around adults either. Y'all tend to forget that. If he wants a snack, let him have one, but don't let him have the whole box. He might be eating all those snacks because teeange guys eat a lot. It's a fact of life. And I tend to try and sniff out the snacks my mom hides, too. Talk to the doctor about his dosage on medication, and maybe try testing him for mild depression.

Answer 4

I am sure his behavior has to do with the divorce, and not having his real father. Its rough because he is at an age where he understands and he does not feel "normal". Give him some one on one time. He is obviously not getting everything he needs from you so he is rebelling. Try to sit down with him and go over homework each night. Show that you are interested in "why" he is failing instead of just yelling at him about it. Good Luck. It will work out in the end.

Answer 5

Sounds like he may also be bi-polar my sister is the same way and has been for almost 10 years now -- the only way for her to get better is on the proper medication but she won't take it -- which sucks! He also may have depression which is caused by both ADHD and Bi-polar. I would bring him to a therapist (there is aid for this or your insurance might cover it) -- because his behavior is abnormal even for a 13 year old.

Remember not to let him get away with it any of it, you have to be tuff even if it hurts you.

Answer 6

Its called puberty. I bet his voice is getting ready to drop and he is acting really squirley.
My son who is now 21 yrs old jumped out of my car when I was driving down a highway going about 45 mi per hr. He was 13 yrs old and I about fainted. He threw screaming fits, his skin became oily and he had acne and he was just terrible until he figured it all out. I always refer to it as puberty onset misbehavior. If you have ever watched boys going thru this its kind of amusing. They develop pimples, suddenly their pants become too short and they get kind of loud and obnixious. They start throwing their new testosterone burst around (smearing spagnetti sauce) and try to be all in control.
It will pass. They dont realize how ignorant they look. Its a phase. He probably picks on his sisters and is disobedient as all get out. I bet he is starting to grow peach fuzz too.
Remember this. Its not you or anything you have done, so dont accept the blame. You deal with what life gives you. Suddenly your kid has gone puberty wild. He has to sew some oats before this passes. Get ready for the ride.

Answer 7

I express my sincere sympathy to your situation.

In this stage of a 13 year old, he is either in a middle school, high school, scondary school, or whatever you call it locally. It is now where puberty takes place. Like it or not, his body is developing, especially his mind. Influences from new found friends in a new school environment can make him change tastes, preferences, and simply attitude.

The very people he admires, respect, and imitate after will determine his future characteristics. That is why you don't see ALL soldiers willing to die for the man beside him. It is the values that are embedding his very train of thought.

Please do take note that his role models can be of very different people, and their different traits. He could model himself after George Washington not because of his honesty, but could be of his talents as a statesperson. So before you criticise or despise his role models, PLEASE take a good look at them before judgement. And I thought God said something about judging people?

Take time to find out who his role models are. Understand them and best of all find out their good traits (could be despite of all the bad stuff). You can now use these to encourage your son.

And now is a good time to let your son know how the society works. This is from experience. My son began hanging around with hooligans at age 11. By age 15, he had enough of them and left them soon after without too much repercussions. His classmate on the other hand, only joined the hooligans at age 14, and is still now in the back streets. My son is now 20, in University studying Biotechnology.

I am not advocating your son to join the triads now. But give him a free rein to do whatever he wants, because the more you stop him, the more he wants to do it! Remember when you were younger? Nothing could stop you!

We can see from the crimes different age groups will commit. Younger ages will only commit petty crimes like shoplifting and stealing, how about slightly older ones? Stabbing? Robbery? Murder? You decide from here.

Giving a free rein means more responsibility on his side. And he got to know it, and study, play, and have fun within it. Let him understand the full extent of all your financial constraints, allow him to know your situation. Don't just put it off by saying you don't understand. Your child is not a doctor - yet. Even when you go consult a doctor, you will have to tell him what are your pains! Then he will examine and prescribe a suitable medication for you. This is the same for your son. Tell him the situation, he CAN process this information. And he will act accordingly to what he thinks can help.

Please do not assume your child will change overnight. Even you will not change overnight. Give him time. Give yourself some time to see how is he helping you too. DON'T EVER use one incident in the past to judge how he will react in the future. Even if he were to commit the same mistake again, spend time to explain to him. Don't think he won't understand. I can tell you kids nowadays are so much smarter than us.

Try finding out if there are any NLP (Neuro-Linguistics Learning Programme) in your area or city. I know it cost quite a bit, but it is worth every cent in the near future as you see your son and his brother and sister grow up. Think of it as an investment, not an expense.

These NLP courses help kids (even yourself) to understand what is their best characteristic, ability. And then teaches them to utilise their in born nature to help them succeed in life.

It has work for me and my son. I sincerely hope that it will work for you too.

Answer 8

I'm sorry that you and your children are experiencing such a difficult times. Your son's out-of-character behavior is definately a cry for help, so it's time to get him some help before this situation gets even worse. Get him enrolled in a counseling program at school or consider family counseling. I wish you all the best.

Answer 9

well he is a teenager and is trying his luck at anything he can.I would take the snacks and Hide them in your bedroom and keep the door locked so he can not sneak in and get them.I would have had him clean the cabinets in the kitchen for his punishment for smearing spagetti on them.Most teenagers at one point or another thinks life is all about them he will grow out of this.Just teach him all about respect and be open and up front with him.Good Luck

Answer 10

Even if you cannot get him to a private counselor, check into what public resources may be available. I feel for you. I definitely wish you well in this problem and pray you will be able to find resources you need. Maybe you could put him into one of those boot camp for teens type of programs.