Maybe this should be in Singles&Dating but I think it has implications regarding the value women place on health & fitness.
Suppose you were dating a man and after a couple of months things are going well. Then he confides in you that he has Multiple sclerosis and is slowly losing all sense of touch (tactile sensation)?
Would you feel inclined to move on or would you stay with him? The relationship is good but you're not crazy in love or anything.
2007-03-21 08:13:00 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous in Social Science ➔ Gender Studies
Steve sider98 - Please feel free to join in. I could have addressed this to all people but I was especially interested in women's responses.
2007-03-21 10:22:37 · update #1
Some interesting responses. The National MS Society does not recommend telling casual acquaintances about the affliction. If someone mentions it it's because thay care about you.
2007-03-21 11:08:36 · update #2
Rain, I think you are being a bit quick to judge. I used the word "seeing", maybe I should have said "known" but the relationship was certainly casual (a bit more than that but only a little.)
2007-03-21 11:58:04 · update #3
HI
it wouldn't matter to me if I was really happy and felt good when I was around him, but then again I am a strong person and have confidence in myself. if it is a weak dependant women it may threaten her sense of security if she feels that she can not support herself or you, she needs to believe in herself first before she can take on something that is a degenerative disease. Needy women can not deal with this kind of thing.
Lammy
2007-03-21 08:26:50 · answer #1 · answered by Clammy S 5 · 2⤊ 3⤋
Now why would he deceive the woman for 2 months? An agenda perhaps? He waited until she was some what hooked on him first - this wasn't done by accident but by design.
The fact that he was involved with her for 2 months before "confiding" in her about something that would profoundly affect her life as well, is manipulative. That's playing on someone's emotions. He put her in an unfair position.
If I had a debiltating affliction and met a man who clearly showed interest in me, I would tell him from the get go about my illness. This way he is able to make an informed choice, before getting emotionally attached, as to whether or not he was ok about going down a heartbreaking road. That is the fair and right thing to do.
If I was involved with a healthy man who then later became ill, I would not leave him. But the guy you described, yes, I would move on. From the beginning he did not have the womans best interests at heart, only his own. That's all I would need to know to make my descion...with any man - healthy or not.
Now, what if you rephrased your question to this:
" Would you begin a relationship with a man knowing he had MS?"
My guess is that many women would say "no". Why? Because their emotions were not involved and as a result they're better equipped to make an objective decision about thier future. The man you descibed KNEW this...THAT is why he waited. Playin off of someone else's compassion. How "nice".
EDIT:
"The National MS Society does not recommend telling casual acquaintances about the affliction. If someone mentions it it's because thay care about you".
Actually, the MS Society recommends this:
"We suggest this rule: tell not too soon as to be unnecessary and not too late as to be a threat to the trust that is developing between you".
I don't think 2 months of dating would constitute a "casual acquaintance".
2007-03-21 11:03:17 · answer #2 · answered by Rain 3 · 3⤊ 2⤋
I'm probably biased in this question.. my mother has MS. I would stay with him and leave just as i would any other man. Like everything else with MS i could go into resession and he's already suffering with the illness why add on to it by making him feel like a woman would not like him?
My current boyfriend has some relationship type issues because of a disease he was born with, i love him just the same as if he didn't have it.
2007-03-21 08:21:39 · answer #3 · answered by attila 6 · 6⤊ 0⤋
I have worked with numerous clients with MS over the years and since I am aware of the progression of this disease I would be inclined to say that I would continue on with the relationship. I think that a person gets to a point in their life when being happy and confortable with another is far more important that what we focused on in our twenties.
I also sense that a person that is uncomfortable with the disease process could probably benefit from being educated to what may occur. So many misconceptions exist in society about all manner of subjects and I know that MS is right up their with feminism, domestic violence, and the rate of teen pregnancy.
I hope this helped although it is just my opinion.
2007-03-21 14:46:08 · answer #4 · answered by Deirdre O 7 · 3⤊ 1⤋
Not being crazy in love would be the deciding factor... I would not simply leave but as time goes by, if the relationship seems to be going rather troublesome rather than love, I would have to move on.
I would never stay with anyone I didn't love, whether they are ill or not. Guilt would NOT be a feeling I would have. I have MY life I need to live just like everyone else.
2007-03-21 08:43:46 · answer #5 · answered by Kitty 6 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Chronic illness can be a relationship breaker. My cousin has had rheumatoid arthritis since childhood, and remains a single career woman at age 52. She has dated, but whenever a relationship was on the brink of becoming serious, it ended because the man was unwilling to commit his life to her.
Any kind of chronic illness is a huge piece of baggage to a relationship. If you aren't crazy in love, then it's difficult for a rational mind to take all that baggage on. Diabetes was a contributing factor in the destruction of my parents' marriage.
I am married, but if I were single and I encountered the scenario you described, I have to be honest and say, I'd move on to keep looking for true love.
2007-03-21 08:57:59 · answer #6 · answered by not yet 7 · 4⤊ 0⤋
If the relationship is going well after a couple of months, then I should be crazy in love, right?
Honestly, I wouldn't leave him or even reevaluate the relationship based solely on the fact that he has MS. The fact that he confided in me tells me that HE is possibly crazy in love, considering that men generally aren't known for sharing emotionally.
A good man is hard to find...I would stay with him until he proved otherwise.
2007-03-21 10:08:23 · answer #7 · answered by Dodger's mom 3 · 3⤊ 2⤋
Ouch. Thats a hard question. Honestly, I stayed with a man I hated for a year because he had cancer. I didn't hate him because he had cancer, he was just a manipulative jerk. I didn't want to dump him because I knew the first thing he'd accuse me of was leaving him because of the cancer. The guilt was horrible. I had to do everything for him (he was fully funtional- no chemo, no radiation, just a tumor that he needed surgury for). Every time I got angry, the cancer came up "I may not live long enough to *insert guilt trip here*", and he manipulated me into his own personal little slave. Eventually I realized that I didn't care- he was a jerk, cancer or no cancer. So if it was good, and stayed good, I'd stay, and if it was bad, I'd leave. Just like a regular relationship.
2007-03-21 09:15:43 · answer #8 · answered by paintmeblue719 5 · 5⤊ 0⤋
Excellent question. Lots of insight from the answers.
You addressed this to women only, so I will refrain from answering though I have personal experience in this area.
I'll be doing the MS Walk in April, as usual.
2007-03-21 10:01:58 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
I would like to say that no, I wouldn't be inclined to stay with him if I was not crazy in love with him and alredy discussing a future and everything. Remain friends, if possible, but beyond that, I don't know. I say this because I've seen people in various stages of MS and know how devasting it could be. I do not want to end up being caretaker of my significant other at a rather young age, nor do I want to watch them waste away. If I wasn't totally in love with this person in the first place, then I feel I would be cheating myself if I chose to stay and I wouldn't be staying for the right reasons, but what I think is right.
With all that being said, however, there have been advances in treating MS, including some medications that can keep the syptoms at bay for great periods of time. But given my current situation and thinking, I don't think i could stay.
Attn: Clammy - I'm being honest, I'm not a weak/needy person. I read a magazine article not too long ago of a woman's account of what she went through after her boyfriend's accident and paralyzation including her eventual decision to leave him because of how it was affecting her life, her health from being his constant caretaker when she wasn't even totally in love with him in the first place. It takes a strong person to stay and put up with all that, but an even stronger person to realize that you stayed because that's what you thought was expected of you and people would view you in a bad light if you left when in fact you are only hurting yourself. That article could probably really open your eyes as well.
If I'm not totally in love with the person, regardless of the situation, I'm not sticking around.
2007-03-21 08:23:16 · answer #10 · answered by Sunidaze 7 · 2⤊ 4⤋
I once went out with someone who had MS. It wasn't serious or anything and I knew before we started dating. At times it was tough but we had some wonderful times. In the end, he dumped me. I have often wondered whether he did that to spare me.
2007-03-21 08:45:04 · answer #11 · answered by Elizabeth Howard 6 · 6⤊ 0⤋