Growing up to slow?

Question

Ok, I came to a realization today. I have had a problem growing up. I am 33 and I have resisted it my whole life. I guess I just always want to have fun and the not so fun stuff I resist or run away from.

I am taking a step towards marriage. It scares me to death. I am scared about being a husband, having children, and having people depend on me. All of these things will cause me to put myself second. It's scary. But I want to do it.

I am going back to school and trying to get a better job.

They say you have to face your fears. I am trying.

Questions:
1. What is wrong with me?
2. Am I on the right track?
3. Any suggestions on how I can stop being so selfish and step up to the plate in my life for once?
4. Being depended on and making decisions makes me irritable. How can I change this?

One more thing to add. I think this has less to do with my upcoming marriage. I am not ready for a lot things. But I am trying to take steps to be an adult finally in my life.

Answer 1

Answers:
1. No, there is nothing wrong with you. You just want to be sure about yourself before you do it. You probably have an accented sense of responsibility. Just remember that nothing is certain in this life, and no one knows what they can or cannot do till they try!
2. Yes, you're thinking! It's a great exercise...and if more young people did it before getting married and fathering children, maybe there would be fewer divorces etc?
3. Being unselfish just means thinking of other people before yourself. You can't ALWAYS do this, otherwise you end up being a doormat, but you can gently assert your own needs, while allowing for others needs too. Compromise, co-operate - practise doing it and you'll get better and better.
4. Irritable? This is because you are not sure of yourself and feel scared that you'll have too much responsibility. It makes you want to 'run'...you feel you must stay and face it and end up feeling frustrated and 'irritable'. I would advise you start gradually. Make one decision a week...and follow it through. Take on a small responsibility and keep it up. You'll gradually start to feel proud of yourself and gain confidence.
You are a responsible person...otherwise you would not be asking these questions...you'd just say 'up yours' to the world and carry on doing your own thing. Marriage and fatherhood are great responsibilities , yes, but these days, women work and it's more of a partnership...so find a girl you can SHARE your life's ups and downs with and life will seem easier in many ways! The compensations outweigh disadvantages of a single life. Good luck.

Answer 2

Right, you say are making a step towards marrage, are you sure this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?, there is no age limit on marrage, you dont have to get married before a certain age, you should know if this person is THE ONE. I am getting married in july, i am 35 and my Boyfriend will be 48 when we marry, i have been married before but he hasnt. He has had and is still having a great life, he has had a care free life and did not think he would ever settle down. we have been together over 9 years now and he says he could not see himself setteling down with anyone other than me and i feel the same way for him. Its a commitment but we work as a team, we depend on eachother but have our own independence as well and that is the way it should be. Long gone are the days where once you were married the wife stayed at home and the man was the bread winner, marrage is a team effort and both parties should pull their weight, so you should decide if this is the person you want to spend your life. Another question you should ask yourself is, do you want children, its not set in stone that every married couple should have them, its a big responsibility not to be taken lightly and there is no room for selfishness where a baby is concerned, children are a joy but they are hard work and if you want to bring them up properly instead of dragging them up then it takes alot of effort, you only get out of something/one what you put in. Its time to think long and hard and talk to your partner about what she wants from the relationship as well. Remember life does not stop being fun just because you marry/children, your life just changes direction and you go down a different path.

Answer 3

I think you are the same as everyone else. Deep down, I believe most people are scared of settling down. They think the way they lead their lives will change everything. Think of it as this, instead of losing any part of your lifestyle, you are gaining someone to share it all with, and when you have kids, think of all the things you can do with them, that you are unable to do now because you haven't any yet.

But you have had the intelligence and forethought to question yourself before making a solid commitment, which should be applauded. If more people were like you, and asked for advice, there would be less divorce and broken homes in the world.

http://www.relate.org.uk Take a look at this website, and go get some advice.

I wish you all the best.


Get some sound advice from a relationship councillor, they can talk to you on your own, and rationalise what your fears are. When you know what is really worrying you, you will have the opportunity to find ways to cope with them.

Answer 4

well honey i am 37 married with 5 kids and female and i still resist the growing up, ok so i have responsibilities and i take them very seriously, i am a great mom, a great wife, have great friends BUT i stillhave a life for ME it is possible to have it all and i know ill get loads of thumbs down for this but hell its true, with age comes love, with love comes trust and with trust comes happiness, we all get irritable with dependancy, but it is a two way street and maybe your partner has the same fears. Marriage or any commitment is scary but you find a deeper level of communication and commitment, since i married i have been the happiest ever and we were together 11 years before we plunged into the abyss of "togetherness" it can and will work just fall on down and worry not because the feelings you describe are completely normal, i wish you every happiness, just to recognise some flaws in your own self makes you flawless good luck!

Answer 5

1. I think 'growing up too slow' has to do with your childhood, you need to ask yourself and remember your childhood - Were you allowed to be a child when you were a younger age? Were you worried about grown issues as a child?
2. If you are ready to face your fears and dive in, you are on the right track and nothing can stop you.
3. Go on with life and don't try to relive your childhood is a way to stop being selfish - Do not try to relive your childhood!
4. You need to educate yourself on what it is to take care of business like paying bills, paying mortgages or rent, etc.; ask your fiancee to help you learn this.

Answer 6

You know the fact that you think something is wrong with you is a realization in itself. Nothing is wrong with you, except that you have this fear in taking responsibilities. How can you be so selfish ? That is something you need to dig down deep. You fear, and you understood it right. You fear taking over responsibilities, being taken care of and being attended to is not as same as taking care and attending to.

I want tell you to grow up cos you are still ina very immature stage to even realise that you have grown up. That takes a lot of time. Perhaps your parents or someone older did not teach you to fish than feeding you the fish.

I dont know where u will start, but i know where u will find where to start. Its up to u. good luck

Answer 7

Sorry, mate, but if being depended upon makes you irritable I don't think you're ready for commitment.

Apologies again, and I really don't mean to be rude, but you sound 19, not 33.

Maybe you need to rethink your priorities and what you really want out of life.

No point settling down and having kids only to run off a few years later because you can't hack it. That's not fair on anyone. Least of all the kids.

Answer 8

Sittting thinking of things is always scarier than actually doing it. When you are married and having kids take each day as it comes, enjoy it, do not think into the future, one day at a time, works for me. Good luck.

Answer 9

when you marry you will be depending on each other and making decisions together, you can still go out and have fun when your married! sounds like ur getting cold feet!