Why is it - the one who leaves?

Question

Why is it the parent who leaves the marriage for another person believes the impact on the kids will not be too serious while the one who is left believes it will? Are we projecting our own feelings onto our children? As the spouse that was left and the one who has custody of the kids, I worry about them. I see how the divorce and the new woman in their father's life is impacting them. My ex believe I worry too much. He believes they are fine. Their counselor advised that my ex will not see problems because he feels guilty and does not want to see. Who is right? Or do we have to meet in the middle?

Answer 1

Of course it has an impact on the children, a huge impact. He is trying to make himself feel better about the choice he made. For him to think that the kids will be "fine" is ridiculous. Their lives are chaged forever, you all should go to counseling to make the change easier.

Answer 2

The impact on the kids wouldn't be positive if you two had stayed together and one or both of you were unhappy or dissatisfied (which apparently he was on some level, or he would not have looked elsewhere, even though that was a crummy thing to do).

Kids are very tough and resilient. They will be fine if their parents are fine and if the parents take time to explain things to them, don't talk ugly about each other, and make sure the kids know they are loved and cared about.

Do your kids think daddy abandoned you and them for some trashy homewrecker, or do they think daddy and mommy just weren't a good match anymore so went their separate ways? How the kids are affected will also depend on how the split up is presented to them and how the parents are behaving. Hopefully both you and he are being positive with them, showing them love, and not bashing each other (no matter how tempting).

It's unforunate to have a couple with kids split up, and I'm sorry for what happened to you, but it needn't be tramatic for the kids. They may not like it, and they may want mom and dad back together like they used to be, but part of learning about life (even for kids) is learning that we don't always get what we want.

Answer 3

Every study that's come out shows that the most well-balanced children are the ones that grow up with a mother and a father in the home.

I think that your ex is probably trying to avoid responsibility and guilt and is trying to reassure himself that they're going to be ok. The fact is, they're not. Not unless he takes the bull by the horns and explains to them that his divorce from you does not change the way he feels for and about the kids.

Answer 4

if you feel your children are having problems they can't cope with, take them to a therapist... therapists are good about teaching children that what happens between their parents is never their fault... this would also give your children someone to speak with about their problems in confidence. a therapist can't divulge what is discussed (unless the child is suicidal, etc.)

another thing you can do for your children, is NEVER ever speak negatively about your ex or his new girlfriend, regardless of how upset or angry you may be... get it out by talking to a friend instead, when your kids can't hear you. negative talk about one parent or the other, hurts them immensely.

just because we don't love the ex, doesn't mean the kids don't.

you DO seem to worry too much.

instead of focusing on what your ex is doing, focus on YOU, your kids and your life...

what you are doing with your children while you have them living in your home, is more important than what your ex is doing in his home with the girlfriend.

just my two cents.

Answer 5

marriage is sacred. i think that people should be aware of it.
if you will marry someone you must know the responsibility of being a parent someday. it was the hardest and the most difficult job on earth. you will mold a child to who will he become in the near future. i think it will really had a big impact to them. you know why? who's kid like to have a single parent? if everybody has.. why one of them cannot?

Answer 6

you're right! the concern for your children is genuine and true like a parents feelings should be. your ex is selfish and wont consider what he's doing to your children. people who cheat dont think about the effects of their actions on other people. they only think of themselves and its a shame when children are involved. people like your husband need to see your children express their feelings about what's going on and the effect its had on them. maybe writing a letter or sitting down and talking to him - he needs to be smacked in the face with it to realize what he's done.

Answer 7

Your counselor is giving you the straight....Leaving your children and you care about them is definitely going to put the guilt in your trip...

Answer 8

your kids are always going to want the two of you to be together,but if it's your husband that leave he won't see that he's wrong because he's always right. we always whant the best for are kids!