Decent beginning for cousework narrative?

Question

I tore myself off my bed and stumbled to the dressing table. Looking in the mirror, I saw the very person I’d been trying to escape. I had promised myself I would never become that person again, yet here I was looking into her eyes. The past came flooding back to me and the memories I buried so deep finally surfaced.
(Yr 9 Sats work)

is it ok? or does it need alot of remodelling? Any major gramatical mistakes?

Answer 1

Its a really good start. Don't forget key punctuation ideas that you can use throughout your narrative.........(ellipsis) are a good one to add suspension. Hyphens and dashes to add extra information instead of always using commas. Exclamation marks to add effect and rhetorical questions are always good.

I would maybe change the second 'and' you have written. you could also add haunt in between 'to' and 'me' in the first part of that sentence.

'The past came flooding back to me while the memories I had buried so deep finally resurfaced.'

I like it, it intrigues me and has captivated my interest.....I want to read more of it and that is one ofthe main ideas of a narrative piece of text. =P

Answer 2

It's a good start. Just be sure that since you are telling this from the first person point of view that to develop the themes to answer the questions that are naturally going to be asked. (e.g. Why are you feeling the way you are. What happened in the past that has made you the person in the mirror. What memories do you have that are so intense that you had to bury them?)

change "deep" to "deeply" :)

Answer 3

I dig tank tops they're proper on the Harley interior the summer to teach off the tats.....if ya opt for a %of the nips only take a photo of easily one of them and positioned up it as your avatar....