Divorce advice?

Question

I am seriously considering divorcing my husband. He is a pathological liar, who cannot keep a job, and I have just had 11 years too much. My question is, when do I say something to the kids. Do I wait until I file divorce papers, or do I sit down and talk to them about it first. (I'm thinking of for some strange reason we work this out, and then the kids know about our problems.. Obviously we fight all the time which is not good for them to see, but I'm sure a divorce will be devastating to them. My husband refuses to discuss a divorce, says he doesn't want one, but I'm pretty sure I do. (I signed up for counseling, but he refused to go, which I just go by myself for my own sanity.)

my kids are 9 and 7. Believe me when I say, I have tried, tried, and tried to make this work. It is hard being married to someone who lies constantly, gets fired 4 times in 10 years (BECAUSE OF LYING!) and has put us deeper into debt, day by day. I just want to be happy, so that I'm a happier mother to my children. Right now I am so miserable I cannot take it anymore. I tried to go to counseling together, he wants no part. Everything is "perfect" in his lying eyes! Please don't tell me to find God Amy!!! I just deserve to be happy with my life!!!

Answer 1

It's hard to answer your question because I don't know your children's ages. First, only talk to them about divorce if you have decided to go through with it. Having been through this myself, I think it is good to be honest with them, but at their level of understanding and without going into great detail. And by all means, never trash their dad to them - ever. It will change the way they relate to him. They will need reassurance that you will both still be their mom and dad and that they did nothing to cause this. Children always tend to feel like divorce is their fault. It would be helpful if your husband was on the same page as you about this to make it easier on the children. Since you are going to counseling, talk to your counselor about this.

Answer 2

You don't say how the young the kids are but I am guesssing they are under 11 years old. Either way they know what is going on. Get the divorce and as you start going through the process, the first being getting him to move out tell them what is happening keep it simple they don't need the details at a young age. Just simple infomation like we don't love each other anymore but we both love you.
Don't try to turn your kids against him.
Going to counselling by yourself is the biggest waste of your time there is except for the marriage.
Maybe some counselling after the marriage is over, It makes no sense for ONE person to go to counselling when it is a TWO person problem.

Answer 3

I think telling the kids that you're divorcing their dad before you even tell your man is totally disrespectful to his position as head of household.
Telling the kids that you're divorcing their dad before anything is done about is disrespectful to your children. You would be forcing them to keep a terribly big secret. That's an awful big responsibility to put upon them.
He is - afterall - their dad. And even if THEY don't like his behavior, they still love him.
This is something that would need to be done TOGETHER (if you went through with it). This will prevent any "he said/she said" games between the two of you and the kids could hear it straight.

ALTHOUGH - the fact that you say "for some strange reason we might work this out" gives me hope for you. Unfotunately, when we enter into the covenant of marriage, we agree to for better or worse. It doesn't say HOW much worse and there is no disclaimer/fine-print that says..."Commitment only held until he loses a job or lies". It doesn't make it easier, but certainly sets some clearer boundaries.

It's good that you are going to counseling. It can be a wonderful tool for learning why YOU do the things YOU do. (Be careful if the counselor only seems to feed the fire against your husband...your husband chose not to go so the sessions should NOT be about HIM...they should be about helping you to find a better way to function in a messy environment.)

He has made it clear he doesn't want a divorce and that is a good thing. It means he still finds value to what you two began. And I can almost guarantee you that if you divorce and your kids are aware that their dad didn't want one, but you fought for it anyway they will not start "being mad at dad".
In addition - the kids already know WAY more than you think they do.

And finally - (I know you're ready to hear that) - STOP FIGHTING!! QUIT IT RIGHT NOW!! It's destructive to you and your family. Just STOP. I know you are smart enough to know that if you haven't "changed" him in 11 years - you're not going to. If he's comfortable telling lies and being lazy then so be it. No amount of begging him to change, demanding that he be different will do a thing.

(ok so that finally thing was tease -sorry) This really is one last thing...

Start SPEAKING what you want him to be. ESPECIALLY if he doesn't deserve it....you might find that you get what you talk about most. Tell him, "I know it's been hard for you to keep employment, but the kids and I really appreciate how many times you've tried...and that you still keep trying". Tell him, "I remember all the beautiful promises you made to me and I think about them all the time...thank you for trying to keep them".

GIVE him respect and he will learn.

Answer 4

I love it when someone tries to convince you that finding god will solve your problems.... sky fairies....

If marriage is admiration, respect, passion and trust, it appears you may be out 3/4 of these, maybe all of them. I too, have real problems with liars.... the trust is just not there, and frankly, the rest of it is in the toilet too. You think you are staying for the children, but what they are learning, is that adults don't mean what they sad, and deceipt is fine,getting caught isn't.... not good lessions.

It is for sure tuff to realize that the guy you married, is not the guy you are thinking about divorcing. And one of the things that is admirable in men, is the ability to grow in employment, and stature within his field. From your note, he has failed miserably. So file.

I 'm guessing what you are really asking is: "Ought my children be privy to the workings of our marriage?" and my answer is no. He is still their father, and they probably already know too much anyway. Certainly tell them after you have filed, that you and their father are going to go your seprate ways, that you and he have too many disagreements to continue. Reassure them that you both love them, and that they are in no way responsible, nor is there anything that they can do... (All kids are convinced that they are the cause of their parents' split.) But to share with them his personality defect(s) in inapporpriate.... they likely already know, but that is not a reason to discuss it with them.....

Answer 5

Just tell the kids that you and the husband are going through some problems at the moment. If they ask the question about divorce be honest with them.

Answer 6

Your kids are more aware then you think. Its been 9 months since my hubby moved out and I can honestly say that myself and my four kids are much happier today then we have been in a few years. I never realized how much tension there was when he was living here. We weren't arguing or anything. Just acted more like room-mates. Anyways if I was in your shoes I would leave. Sounds like you have done all you can do. Time to move on..not only for yourself but for your kids. Best of luck!!!

Answer 7

I hate men who refuse to divorce or go to counseling. @ss! You have to do whats right and divorce him if it cannot be worked out. Ask your counselor what the suggestion would be for your kids. I wish I knew how old they were. It would make it easier to advise.

Answer 8

Oh my gosh... you married him. YOU had children with him, and now you want to involve those innocent little lives into it more? Stop fighting in front of them!!! They don't deserve this. DO NOT talk about divorce with them.What are you thinking? If there is a chance you will work it out(and sound's like from what you wrote there is) why even bring it up to them? You must find a way to work this out! pray for your husband to have a change of heart- pray for him to attend counseling with you. Sounds like to me you need God and prayer right now. I am not trying to be harsh or hurt you but you must do everything in your power to protect and teach your children. WAY TOO MANY CHILDREN ARE COMING FROM BROKEN HOMES! Don't let yours be another statistic!

Answer 9

Well, you can file for divorce even if your husband doesn't want one. But I would probably wait to tell your kids until you've actually filed for divorce. You don't want to put them through any undue stress unless you really are going to go through with it.

Answer 10

File first. The kids don't need to know until the last minute......As long as it is before the suit cases come out.