My husband does not want to have sex with me and we have only been married for 4 years?

Question

Hi! Over the past 3 years (we have only been married 4) my husband and I have only had sex about 4 or 5 times and I have initiated all of those encounters. Despite having two kids in the last two years, I am an attractive, smart, and independent person. My husband tells me on a daily basis how unhappy he is and how miserable he is...I am in counseling but he refuses to go. He says everything is my fault...including the sex. For the first two years, he said he had a problem and was going to fix it. However, in the last year, he says that he is sexually attracted to other women--just not me. I asked him if he wants a divorce and he says no. He constantly criticizes me and puts me down but then wants to know why I am in such a bad mood. Just the other night, he laughed at me when I was crying and telling him how I felt and told me I was "crazy>" This has been going on for years and he says it is ALL me. I am seriously considering divorce. What should I do?

I am 33 and he is 36. It got like this BEFORE we had our first child. I asked him if he was gay and he BLEW UP at me. I have not initiated sex with him since. I do not nag him or whine about it. I am a good wife, mother, and career woman. No one is perfect but whenever I do mess up he is relentless!!!!!!! So critical and demeaning. I am afraid he will be like that with my kids, too.

Answer 1

does he really love you ther may be some faults of his that he's not able to face on his own so his defense is to pass off it on you. You both need to sit and find out what he really wants from you as far as sex is concerned your not a mind reader he needs to open up to you and try to be open to his needs reg. sex set resonable limits ie, no 3rd person , animal involvement ,brutallity etc.

Answer 2

Oh my god please don't let this man put you down anymore. I am glad you still recognise that you are attractive,smart and independent. stay with those positive thoughts. It is not your fault. Is he impotent? Is he lashing out at you in frustration. Either way HE should be going to counselling too.
I have to say that I would be tempted to walk from this marriage as it is loveless and destructive on his part towards you.
many men whilst married (women too) can be attracted to others but i am so concerned that he is blaming you for all this and putting you down.
next time he puts you down hold your head high and tell him you don't agree. He is a bully and does not want to face his own problems. he is refusing counselling because he is afraid.
Have you asked your husband WHY he is miserable? Is it because he is sexually frustrated? How hurt you must feel when he says he is not sexually attracted to you.
Hun you could try counselling on a joint basis but I think you should consider a separation to give you both time to think and reassess what you both want.
Staying in this loveless marriage for the kids sake is also not worth it.
You deserve love. sex, respect and all the other things that go with a happy marriage.

I wish you well hun.

Answer 3

Don't let the turkey bring you down.
He obviously doesn't realize the trouble your marriage is in. If he wants to be happy, he needs to seek help. You're responsibility is to stay by his side and support him, but you're not required to take any verbal abuse. Next time he talks you down, put an end to it. Tell him you love him but it's not your fault he's miserable. Tell him, if he's so unhappy, do something to change it. Remind him that you're not unattractive and that he must be blind. He must think your pretty or he wouldn't have married you. If he sits in front of the TV or the computer, put an end to that as well. Spring is here, help him find a hobby that the two of you could do together, even if it's just a routine walk around the neighborhood.

Answer 4

If he's having a physical problem, cialis is great stuff.

Have you tried starting things by just giving him a bj at some unexpected time? If he turns that down there's something seriously wrong.

Try renting an x-rated movie for the two of you to watch together some time to get things rolling. This may be uncomfortable for you but guys are very visual, and if this is very out of character for you, it will show him that you love him enough to step out of your comfort zone for him.

It sounds to me like he has little self esteem. Try not to judge him about the other girls he's attracted to. Ask him questions in a play full way to find out what he likes about this girl or that and what turns him on or off. Celebrities are good for this type of discussion because they are too remote to threaten the relationship. Tell him what turns you on and off. Are you a Brad Pit or a Johnny Depp sort of girl?
Then...most important of all, tell him what turns you on about him. Be sincere.

This will take time, there's no one quick answer, but build the relationship and the sex will follow.

Good luck!

Answer 5

You know something, this could almost be me posting this question a year ago. I was in EXACTLY the same situation as you are in, except him and i weren't married (thank god). I put up with a sex-less relationship for five years. He wouldn't come near me, but would happily sit and watch porn til all hours. Everything was apparently my fault, ie: I was too fat (I'm a size 10), I was too old (He was 46, I was 25) etc. Whenever i mentioned the lack of sex, he would go crazy. Got so bad that i just put up with it and never mentioned it for years. I know for a fact he wasn't having an affair as we workded together for our own company and i was always around him. He just wasn't interested in me and it hurt. When i was upset, he would just laugh and tell me to "go and get your head looked at". He prevented me from having any contact with my friends, and in the end my parents too. He had a great time everynight at the pub, while i was his taxi driver and had to put up with drunken mood swings and violence. I tried everything i really did. In the end, I ended up meeting a man (a real man) who changed my life, loved me, had sex with me, treated me like a lady, was interested in what i had to say, complimented me etc and basically made me feel happy to be alive again. I plucked up the courage to leave this guy, find a flat of my own, find a job and move away 200 miles to start again. It wasn't easy but it was really the best move i have ever made in my life. Sorry if this is long-winded, but when i read your question it brought it all back to me.

You have to get out - please do yourself a favour as there's so much more to life than having to put up with someone who has a screw lose. You'll never understand him and you deserve better. Life can be so much better. I wish you all the best, i really do. xx

Answer 6

For one; no relationship can last without a sexual tie. And your marriage has none. And instead of asking him if he wants a divorce, tell him YOU are filing for divorce! It's time to take charge of your life huns, and to be happy. I'm so sorry to hear that you're life has turned out this way. And wish you the best of luck. And trust me, this whole mess is not you, it's him. You can do SOooooooooooooo much better! Go out there, have fun, you'll see what I mean... (I've been there)...

Answer 7

My ex used to tell me stuff like that - that I was crazy or that I was boring, smelled bad, was ugly.

I'm not.

I gave him an untimatum to seek help or I was out of there. He didn't think I had the guts to do it. At the time leaving him and filing for diverce felt like the hardest thing in the world. I didn't have kids so my situation was a bit more straightforward but really I think you sohuld start planning your exit. What he is doing to you is bullying. It has taken me years to rebuild my self-estem.

Now I am recently married to the most wonderful guy in the world - there is a good life for you out there you just need to grab it.

Answer 8

wow I'm so sorry.... I dont know how u last this long with him... why is it ur fault? I couldn't be married to a man that wasn't attracted to me BUT to other women... that is so rude of him to say that to you... and if hes unhappy tell him to leave... find his happiness so u can find ur happiness... u deserve so much more that what he is giving to you.... and a marriage is so much more than a ring.... u need love... respect... and yes sex.. its a way of expressing ur love to each other... I would tell him... we both go to counseling or tell him hes outta there.... tell him u want a man that loves and cares for ur feelings... do u want ur kids to act like him thinking its normal to disrespect their mom.... u said ur attractive smart and independent woman so I think u wont have any problems taking care of urself as a single mother..or finding a loving man that loves u too... best wishes...

Answer 9

I hate to say it but the other are right the marriage is over. I have never believed in one person going to marriage counselling that is like trying to fix the problem with half of the clues. It just can't be done the counsellor will tell you it can because they want the money.

Answer 10

This story is too close to home for me, Girl. Anyone that will laugh at you while you are in pain and trying to open your heart, is flat out, most likely a Narcissist. Check out the website www.drirene.com and read up all about abuse, and Narcissists. You're living with one. The sex thing is a control thing. He knows you won't go out and get it someplace else, so he can control when you DO get it. You have two choices. You can resign yourself to this kind of life with him, and it will only escalate and get worse, OR you can do what's going to kill you inside (even though you're already losing yourself being with him and you know it), and DIVORCE his sorry azz. As far as everything being your fault, another thing Narrcissists don't like to do is assume responsibility for their own actions. I grew up with one, then married one, and I know what I'm talking about. I know you probably love him and cannot stand the thought of leaving even though you know it's the right thing to do, but that's because you're taking your role as the co-dependent, and he's calling ALL the shots. You are worth more than this, and deserve more than this, and until you make it happen, you WON'T get more than this with this man. I know it hurts, but as Pam Tillis' song goes..."Better off blue for a couple of nights, better blue now than for the rest of my life....better off findin' somebody new, after what you put me through, baby I'm better off blue!" The only person that can change this is YOU because you cannot change HIM. Decide what kind of life you really want to have, then go find it. Someone will be willing to be what he's not.

Answer 11

do no longer problem. it incredibly is favourite 4 any1 to appreciate the magnificent thing approximately yet another person of the opp intercourse notwithstanding if she/he's married or no longer. So ur husband's behaviour is favourite.he's two b favored 4 his frankness in telling the actuality. Even u will experience overwhelm while u meet an exceedingly good-looking guy, 4 which u r no longer 2 b blamed. watching blue videos isn't a sin. those r meant 4 entertainment & know-how like a number of different video clips. the two one in each of u would desire to video show & detect different procedures of doing intercourse. Reg his insistance to do intercourse a similar way as in blue videos, u would desire to civilly tell him that specific poses harm u. he will actual evaluate ur problems. on a similar time u would desire to accommodate his alternatives 2 the max & do no longer insist fullyyt on the main awful missionary place. further u could additionally call for the style of intercourse u prefer. it incredibly is ur correct. undergo in concepts, intercourse is meant 4 exhilaration.