My daughter is a pleaser. How can I cure that.?

Question

She is almost 6.
She is willing to please her friends at any cost so they can play with her. They picked up on that - so are muniplative and mean to her. What surprises me is that she is very opinionated at home, but with friends she is a different person.

Answer 1

Yes, this is not a good thing this young, because it will only get worse as she gets older. I understand your concern, because you want your daughter to make true friends, and to not be taken advantage of in relationships when she gets older. Have you tried talking to her? At six, she can understand. .Have a talk with her, and tell her that friends who do not play fair and nice with her, are not very good friends, and that you want her to have good friends. Explain to her that it's okay to tell on someone if they are not playing fair or playing mean, and its okay to not want to be friends with that person anymore. Tell her that if that person doesn't like her anymore, that's okay, because she is a nice girl and plays nice, so she will make lots of new friends who are also nice. Explain to her that some people are just mean, but if you let them be mean to you, they will keep on being mean, and you will just be sad. I'm trying to put this in the words that a young child would understand. I have had this talk with my 5 year old as well. He is very sweet and sensitive for a boy, and he has come home sometimes telling me that someone was mean to him at school. I asked if he told the teacher, and he says "no". I just have to tell him that some kids are just mean, that's all there is to it. But I reassure him that as nice as a boy he is, he still has lots of nice friends. Then I bring up the kid who was mean, and ask him if they have any nice friends, and he answers no. So that gives him more confidance when he sees that by being nice, he will in turn make better friends than the not so nice kid. And I make sure and tell him that if someone is being mean, he should tell them that if they are going to play like that, he's not going to play with them any longer. And he has learned to do this, and go find someone else to play with.If a child continues to bother him, I have told him it's okay to tell the teacher. It makes him feel more confidant to see that he has the power to take care of the situation himself. Good luck!

Answer 2

She must be an only child. I have one too and she is also a pleaser. She is 11 and has been that way all her life. I have to sit down from time to time to tell her about her socialization with other children. There was one time that I bought her a very expensive outfit and she had given to her friend after a week. I went over to the child's house immediately and talked to the mother and asked her if she was comfortable with the idea that her child begged for an outfit that wasn't hers. I also pointed out what would it feel like if it was her daughter giving away clothes bought with hard earned money. She understood and had a long talk with her daughter and everything has been fine. I think it also embarassed the child and embarassment can go a long way. Talk with the mothers of your child's playmates and see if they have the same problem and what was their stand on this problem. Just like every other problem that rises in a child's life, the solution to the problem starts at home. It also takes a village to raise a child.

Answer 3

That's like an adolscent girl being 'cool' with her friends but being a total 'pleaser' around guys.

A pleaser is someone who is insecure towards the social group they are seeking 'approval' from. She isn't going to be like that at home because she would already have had enough 'proof' that she doesn't have to be 'convinced' of it.

Because this is a new social dynamic, she doesn't have 'proof' of her likeability and/or acceptance yet. You could try mentioning that she doesn't have to have everyone like her to have friends. Or you could help her develop one or two friendships (like inviting them over) that would be healthy for her and hopefully help her use that to stand up to her need to please the others.

There must be other girls she knows who can become 'good' friends to her, and helping her find who they are will offset the manipulative power of the others.

Also, sometimes there is only so much influence one social sphere can have on another. It sounds like she realizes how important 'friends', other than one's parents, can be in life and it could simply be an over-zealousness that will burn itself out. Being a pleaser at 6 isn't nearly as problematic as being a pleaser at 16 or 21. You and her still have plenty of time to fine tune her need of having other people's acceptance while maintaining her own.

Answer 4

I don't think this is something you can "cure" your child of this. It seems like something she'll have to figure out on her own. It's just a part of growing up, even though it's bothering you in the process. Just keep an eye on thing,and maybe even talk to her about why she tries to be the pleaser.

Answer 5

I understand your concerns. I don't know that it is up to you to cure your daughter of her personality, though. She is obviously giving and sensitive. You should warn her about not letting others take advantage, and try to instill confidence in her. Some lessons she will have to learn on her own, even at her young age. Good luck.

Answer 6

if ur child is pleasing to play then may be u can help her by playing with her .sometimes u have to become child to cure ur children may be this can help u we can just advice u the decision shd be yours. all the best

Answer 7

Sounds like she may lack confidence in herself. Try teaching her that it's okay to say no sometimes.

Check this site out....

http://www.kalimunro.com/article_pleasing.html

Answer 8

kids picks up thing from home. so are you guys giving her things to do good or thing in return. teach her at home that she doesn't need to gave stuff to have thing in return

Answer 9

you need to start not giving her things that she can give to her friends... or give her a good beating.