please can you give constructive comments on my poem, also could you please let me know if you can get the feeling i am trying to put across and if not why, many thanx for spending your time reading this poem
Sunset
We watch as the sun starts descend
I can’t believe this has to end
The thoughts of our time together
Thought you would be mine forever
I hold your hand I grip so tight
Sorrow attacks me I try to fight
I look to Ur eyes for answers not there
I even wonder for my heart u did care
My mind races to find a reason why
That our love for each other cannot die
But I fail for all I can do
Is say these simple words, I love you
You release my hand and then you sigh
This I know is when you say goodbye
You look back at me your eyes so cold
And your slender arms you do fold
I try and hope this is just a dream
But there’s no waking up so it would seem
This is the end for this I am sure
I will love you forever more
2007-03-21 04:50:43 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous in Social Science ➔ Psychology
well Pieface, i think the vulger language can be avoided ! if you didt like it , a simple no i dont like it with a reason why would have been all u needed to put , people like you spoil this site with you narrow minded childishness
2007-03-21 05:08:24 · update #1
Like any art form, it is often just the process of doing it that is as important as the end product. I am pretty useless at writing, but I enjoy it and don't care too much what others think.
Your poem does not communicate anything to me, but that does not make it bad. If it means something to you, then I think you are very brave even to let others read it!
This clearly took you time to do, and you should congratulate yourself that it is a unique creation. If you want to improve it, you might look at whether the lines scan correctly and alter some of the wording accordingly. Also, a couple of the wordings are a bit "forced" - for example, "And your slender arms you do fold".
You might try cutting out some of the words to make it flow a little better - for example, "But there's no waking up so it would seem" may flow better as, "But there's no waking, it would seem".
Keep on trying - poetry is a wonderful way to express feelings.
P.S. Ignore pieface - he can't even spell laureate!
2007-03-21 05:29:39 · answer #1 · answered by Paul G 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I believe this is a poem not about death of life but of a relationship. It shows a sad heart that still loves someone that doesn't feel the same way. People are ignorant to suffering and want fast food answers to complex situations. To those misery awaits for they have no patients for when relational devastation hits. I am glad you are able to express your feelings through this poem. It is a therapeutic method of coping. Pray to God for the lost relationship and let him work in your life. God cares deeply about relationships. Good luck to you and look for positive things God can do to mend this. Hope this helps.
2007-03-21 05:22:04 · answer #2 · answered by Dennis James 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its a beautiful poem, its about the end of a relationship, what you've written is exactly how im feeling right now. Well done you have talent.
2007-03-21 11:31:14 · answer #3 · answered by Sparkle 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow... I really like your poem! You have talent!! To me it sounds like the end of a holiday romance that was serious for one person but not the other.(I'm probably completely wrong).x
2007-03-21 06:56:00 · answer #4 · answered by angelicsugarkitten 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
is this for an obituary ? it realy is a moving piece although if it is for an obit a tad long
how sad
2007-03-21 04:55:08 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The new poet loriet in the making, that said it's shite and well you know it.
2007-03-21 05:01:41 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
its so sad...very nice though
2007-03-21 04:58:43 · answer #7 · answered by Chrissy 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋