What do I do about 16 yr old stepdaughter who tattles on me to her dad?

Question

My husband and I have been married for almost 9 yrs. Step daughter has lived with us for 3 yrs. now. She doesn't do anything I tell her to. If I get onto her about something she runs to daddy and he sides with her 9 times out of 10 and I feel like I have no authority in my own house. I've been thru this before with my stepson who lived with us for 8 yrs, he's now 19 and moved out. It was a miracle that our marriage survived thru him. I can't go thru this again. She wants to go back and live with her mom, I said if she does she is not coming back to my house to live, ever. I'm done. He said she can go for the summer. I don't have enough time to go into all the details about my life as a stepmom right now, it would take a year to tell you everything I've been thru. My son from my first marriage lived with us during all this (he's now 18 and moved out) and I only stepped in on his behalf one time when he was in trouble. Already been thru 1 divorce don't want another one. Help!!!

Answer 1

Your husband needs to put his foot down, He needs to tell his daughter that her behavior has to change. Maybe your behavior has to change a bit too.

Don't get in the way of your step-daughter's relationship with her daddy. She deserves to have a relationship with him as much as you do. Don't be jealous of her.

I believe that she may be trying to drive you two apart in order to get her mom and dad back together. She is also jealous of you, another woman competing against her for her daddy's attention and affection.

My daughter from my first marriage did the same thing with my wife. I finally had to tell them both to knock it off. I told my daughter that if I was forced to decide between the two of them she, my daughter, would win, but I would lose and I would be miserable as a result. I told my wife that if I was forced to decide between the two of them she, my wife, would lose because my daughter is my blood. I also told her that I would be the biggest loser in the deal, because I would be miserable as a result.

They managed to strike a truce and today, 20 years later we all get along just great together.

There is hope, but only if you both are willing to change.

Answer 2

Sorry if this is an echo of what has already been posted. I know exactly of what you speak as I began my (only) marriage as a stepfather. I was rough to live through it .

My stepson and I have a respectful relationship now (he's 24 was 11when it began). Many times he told his mother "him or me". She has been duped into making that decision a few times, So I have taken the lumps. We still have a shaky marriage be cause of him (or because she wants to more for him). As the other have said you need dominion in your own home,. If the child takes it away from you never really get it back. But you probably know this from your previous stepchild.

Try what I have tried, go to your spouse; ask "who home is this?". If you two is the answer then tell him you need dominion in your own home. You should not have to compete with a 16 yr. old. Nor should you have to compete with a non-custodial parent.

If his answers are not what you expect. It may be the indication for you to consider the more extreme action you mentioned in the last line of your question.

Best wishes and prayers

Answer 3

Sit your husband down in front of the television for either Nanny 911 or Super Nanny. Both of them clearly show that if a husband and wife do not act as a team the children will not have any structure.

Tell your husband that you need him to work with you, because right now your daughter is playing the two of you. Remind your husband that you supported him when he disciplined your son and he needs to support you in the same way.

This is not a problem that should end in divorce. This is a father being overprotective of his little girl and not realizing how he is hurting his family, his little girl included.

Take care,
Troy

Answer 4

You need to sit down and tell your husband how you feel. It's not like the girl is 6, she is 16. An almost grown up women should not ruin your marriage.

Try this. The next time she runs to her Father tell him and her that from now on you will have no part is anything kind of dicipline with her. Furthermore, since she can not listen to you, you will not support her financially or otherwise. Tell the both of them that since she can not respect what you say as the "Women of the House" then she is on her own as far as you are concerned.

I had gone through a similar situation with my future husband and his son. He decided to tell on me when I said he could not have dessert one day. Let's just say, we put a stop to that!!!!! Good Luck!

Answer 5

All that a 16 year old step daughter needs at this stage of her life is genuine love. She is going through the process of discovering her own personal identity and independence. This is a very challenging process and she needs to be taken kindly, lovingly and tactfully. Where will she turn if not to her dad? Saying this, I don't want to make you feel that your burden and stress is not considered. You need to spent quality time with your husband so that he will understand and sustain you. Together may be you can help the step daughter to grow gracefully. I think she has every right to go to her mother and every right also to turn to her dad. All that our teen agers ask for is to give them their space and to understand them. And only you can do it for your step daughter. You also need to relax as all this is playing on your mental health too.

Answer 6

if she wants to go back to live with her mom why would you use that as a reason to cut her off from coming back to live with her father? her dad might not want to always take her side but if he knows your feelings about her leaving and not coming back he might be trying to avoid her going i say she should be able to live with mom during the summer,you cant be done its not in the rules for parents sorry but this child was a part of the package when you wanted to marry her father

Answer 7

You need to talk to your husband and let him know your position. It is difficult to be a stepmother, especially to kids who don't "like" you. They are only rebellious because you're married to their father and their mother isn't. Step kids are like that. You and your husband need to come to some understanding. Fighting with each other will NOT help the situation, try working at it together

Answer 8

Well you don't want to make him chose you or the kids, because no one should be in that situation.I would sit down and talk to your husband and tell him that you can't do this again. I would also tell he when he does that he doesn't value your parenting. The longer it goes on the worst it is going to get. If he loves you then he will make the changes.

Answer 9

I know this can be hard speaking from my sisters marriage, My opinion would be to have a heart to heart with your husband about rules, they should be the same, and the punishment should be the same, and maybe you could try to reward good behavior, Take her to a concert, (just the 2 of you) This could do allot, help her get to like you, show her that you've got feelings and know how to have fun too, your husband should help you, and understand. good luck.

Answer 10

I would ask if you've tried talking to your husband and telling him how you feel but my guess is you have previously and probably again this time. Best thing you could do to make yourself happier is to not scold her, let him do it all and when he doesn't like something she's done and it will get to that point, you will need to be patient, tell him I would scold her but she always runs to you and you undo what I did, so no point, I figured you would handle as you always do.