Im 22 years old and a graduate student. My boyfriend is 25 and an engineer. We are both Indian, Sikh Jatt and have been the US for over 20 years with our families.
Ive been dating him for over a year and my parents just found out. They wont let me be with him and have yelled and cursed at me since they found out. They keep saying that no matter what happens I cant marry the one I love and I have to get an arranged marraige. I refuse to marry anyone but him. I dont want to go against my parents because at the end of the day Ithey are my parents. I dont want to run away and do anything that will hurt their prestige. They are also planning to take me out to grad school. Please help and tell me what I can do!
2007-03-21 04:24:45 · 25 answers · asked by committed 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
you only have three choices, 1) marry no one 2) marry your boyfriend or 3) wait for the arranged marriage........
Go get married to your boyfriend, finish school and live a long happy married life!
2007-03-21 04:30:01 · answer #1 · answered by abc 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hey, been there, done that, and lived to tell the tale!
I was a 4.0 student in my last year of college and they had my life planned out for me down to when I would date, who I would date, etc. I ended up finally decided to date a native american man just about 8 years my senior. At that point they did what your parents did and threatened to take me out of school.
Here's the thing. You have to decide where your happiness lies. You can always obtain grants, scholarships, teaching assistantships, etc. for school, so I would not let that threat cause you to waver. If you made it this far, you'll be just fine on your own. As for your parents, you obviously respect them and care about them, and in return you are an adult and deserve that same respect and love.
You need to do what will make you happy 20 or 30 years down the road. Your parents may come around they may not, but when all the dust is settled and the cursing and yelling has stopped, where are you at? I don't mean to sound self centered but I only say this because you sound a tad like me and you want to make everyone in world happy at the expense of yourself.
I am now happily married to the man that my parents dissaproved of and have a beautiful son. I am doing things with my life I never dreamed of doing. My parents still won't talk to me (it's been two years) but after some painful separation I'm working through that.
Good luck, I hope your decision makes you happy.
2007-03-21 04:39:06 · answer #2 · answered by Sea Puff 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I understand the feeling that you need to please your parents, that even though you are grown, you still don't want them to be disappointed in you. I will admit that I don't know much about the Indian culture, but I actually know one girl who is of Indian descent. On the subject of arranged marriage, she told me that she would be happy to have her parents arrange a marriage IF she didn't find "the one" for herself.
What you need to realize is that your parents do have your best interest at heart (even though it may not seem like it). I do not suggest just going and getting married knowing that they object so strongly. I would suggest waiting for a while and talking to your parents about why you feel so strongly that you should marry this man. You make it sound like you are both intelligent, reasonable people. Ask your parents if they may approve of the marriage if they got to know him a little better. In the long run, wouldn't it be better to wait a year or even two to get married to the man you love rather than alienating your parents in the process?
I'm engaged to a man that I've been dating for a year and a half. When my parents first heard of the engagement, they were not entirely thrilled. Although, they knew the man I intended to marry, they thought I was too young. I made a deal with them: I agreed to finish my undergraduate school before I got married, and I set a date nearly two years from the day we got engaged. It is a long time to wait, but it's worth it to know that my parents will approve of the marriage.
Most importantly, realize that by sneaking around and seeing him, you did not set yourself up for a good situation here. However, if you are patient, you can redeem yourself. Give your parents some time to calm down and them approach them again, with an open mind. Ask them why they object so strongly to the marriage. Listen to what they tell you without getting defensive, then explain why you feel so strongly that the marriage is the right decision. If you come to them as an adult, they will respect your maturity and treat you as an adult.
They can't take you out of school. You are an adult in the United States and can obtain a great amount of financial aid to help you finish your school.
If you do all of these things, and they still are being stubborn and not coming around, you need to think very hard about what is important to you. I know that it is a hard decision, but you may need to take a leap of faith they your parents love you and despite what they say, will not disown you despite your decisions.
2007-03-21 04:41:06 · answer #3 · answered by Been here before 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Aw cool. I am an Indian too.
All we can do is call ourselves sentimental fools. ANyway da. Tell ur parents that u r in a foreign countries and ur not Indian sentimental fools and that this is 21st Century.
By the way no one marries their bf/gf in 21st century anymore. But anyway.
Ask your parents what is really wrong. Tell them to think deeply and they'll not find any mistake in marrying the one u love. They don't allow u just because no one has, in the Indian past. Both of u are of the same caste and religion. Nothing is wrong really. So go ahead.
Good Luck
2007-03-21 04:37:54 · answer #4 · answered by Drools over home made food 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Sweetie - do what you've got to do. You either make your parents happy or yourself. I personally don't live for my parents. If I'd listened to my parents, I'd be broke, uneducated, and divorced with 8 kids. Do what you want to do. There is no law in the US that will force you into an arranged marriage. I have an Indian friend who went against her parents wishes and married a white man. Her parents disowned her, called her all kinds of names and really wreaked a bit of havoc. They eventually came around and realized that they were only punishing themselves by disowning their daughter. They came to love and respect her husband but it took time. You're an adult. Do what you want to do.
2007-03-21 04:39:01 · answer #5 · answered by Lilith 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There are two things that are very clear. One you are determined to marry your boy friend. Second, your parents are for an arranged marriage.
The best thing at the moment is that you are concerned about your parents and don't want to hurt them. Congratulations! Can you talk with your boy friend and tell him to have a bit of patience. Try to sort out things at home. The first reaction from parents normally is that anything out of the normal will shock them. Believe me, I have come across parents who have really gone out of their way to understand their children especially when it was a question of choosing a partner in life. Have patience, don't give up, dialogue with your parents gradually things will change. You can also ask a trust worthy adult to talk to your parents.
2007-03-21 04:38:26 · answer #6 · answered by Dr. Tere - educator & professor 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, not that I usually advise people to deceive their parents but.... stay in school, even if you have to keep the boyfriend a secret.If you did it for a year you can do it a little longer, bring it up from time to time that you are not willing to go through with an arranged marriage and maybe they wont think its just b/c of your boyfriend that you feel this way. They may feel as if HE is the reason you are going against your family. If they dont eventually come around you will have to go against what they want for you.
good luck
2007-03-21 04:34:13 · answer #7 · answered by Emily 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You are of legal age. I know indian tradition. Your family will be real mad and maybe do a lot of yelling but they will get over it. The good news is if your bf parents love and accept you. I do not aggree with tradition. Every person must follow their own heart. Do it anyway. Get your own job, get loans for your own education, become independent fast. Do you want your children someday being told who they have to marry? Then break the cycle NOW!
2007-03-21 04:35:01 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
you are 22.. you know you are an adult.. so try to convince them.. then you only have 2 problems to face. if they dont give in to your ideas.. #1 listen to them and accept an arranged marriage so they can get some gifts and money and you will be sorry all your life.# 2 marry him anyway and live YOUR life, they will get over it,, you have been in USA for 20 years??you know the society well enough, there are no arranged marriages there.. that is so ridiculous in western society,, which IS where you are now.
2007-03-21 04:36:18 · answer #9 · answered by wongfiehung2003 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
We understand your predicament.
Both of you( ie. you and your bf ) have to practise patience and give time for your parents to make adjustments in their thinking.
Explain patiently about the suitability of you two becoming partners and with the kind of attachment you show to your parents , you can expect the same kind of reciprocative support from your parents.
Use your EQ to the fullest potential and wait for a change.
Seek counselling for all members concerned.
2007-03-22 07:51:12 · answer #10 · answered by NQS 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋