Only for those not getting enough sex?

Question

... because your spouse has a negative attitude about sex (they think sex is a chore or yucky or you don't know what their problem is), or they have a low low sex drive (they might not have one at all). Do you find that nobody understands how crushing this is to your concept of loving sex? You know the special sex with the person you love? Are you even embarrassed that this is happening to you? Perhaps, you are sick of people telling you it is your fault, you're doing something wrong that is causing the problem?

Answer 1

I think that lack of desire comes in all sorts of shapes and sizes. But, in the end, doesn't it all stem from feeling incompetent and powerless? Feeling ... 'ahh what's the use in trying. I can't make a difference here.'

If we help our spouses feel competent and equal ... and have patience ... then things usually turn around. Pressing for what we want, with a spouse who feels inadequate, can only lead to a vicious circle of disappointment for both.

Answer 2

A majority of people have no clue what you're going through. They suggest things that would be helpful in couples where the sex life is okay, just a little bit depressed.

I think a watershed illustration would be this. Couples where they both desire each other, but stress/busyness are cutting into their sex life, if they booked a night alone in a hotel, they'd both have a great time.

Marriages like yours (and sometimes, mine), if I booked a night in a hotel, my wife would say 'oh can't I just rest'. Or come up with some excuse why we can't have sex. The evening would be especially depressing for me, because on a normal night I'm more able to pretend her excuses are valid.

That said, there are a minority of people who absolutely understand.

As for you doing something wrong that's causing the problem, if your marriage is where it sounds like, its _possible_ that your actions have contributed - but almost exactly in the opposite way that people who don't understand would think. Couples who just need to lower the stress, etc, doing more around the house, being helpful, 'sex starts at breakfast' all these things help.

In your situation, those things probably make things worse. Especially the romance - soon your partner rejects any form of affection or romance, and if you even do something nice for them, they accuse you of being 'sex obsessed'.

What _might_ work is the complete opposite. Stop being so helpful. Don't be an ***, do what you think is reasonable. Ignore your partner's moods. Take care of yourself. Get in shape, get better clothes, go out more without your spouse, get your own life. Worst case, your life is better. Best case, you become someone your spouse might actually be attracted to, rather then a sad, ruined extention of them that you probably are now.

EDIT: for anyone in this situation, if there are no kids, just leave. Seriously. Your partner is abusive. You are not a sex crazed pervert because you want a normal healthy sex life with your partner. Yeah, you might be able to make changes that will MAYBE change their mind. But if there are no kids, to hell with them. You deserve more.

Answer 3

I was interested in your question not because I'm not getting enough sex but because at one time this was a problem in my marriage and in others I've known.. Sometimes the reason why people feel "yucky" about sex is because they have probably had a bad experience sometime in their life, rape,molestation,ect. and if you have children having sex can seem like a chore after a day full of caring for your children you sometimes just want to rest and not have to think about caring for another person... and having children for women can lower your sex drive for about a yr. after giving birth... If this is a problem in your relationship I would calmly sit down and discuss this with your partner without being offensive or defensive just trying to get to the bottom of the problem so you can work it out together...knowing all the facts!!!!

Answer 4

I certainly cannot blame your spouse for having a low sex drive with you blabbing details of what goes on behind closed doors to the immediate world. A mature intelligent adult knows that there are high and low points in everyone's sex drive even yours. Many men experience a period of time when they are physically unable to have any sex. They expect their wives to understand and wait it out. Often their condition can take time to be treated medically. However, mutual love and respect will afford both partners dignity at such a time and neither party should discuss such a personal problem with anyone other than qualified medical personnel.

Answer 5

There is a recent study that says the lack of sex drive in a woman can sometimes be hormonal imbalances. There is a new medicine out that can restore that imbalance and improve their sexual desire. It's kind of like Viagra for women. This problem is not as unusual as you may think. most of my married friends and I have experienced this same occurrence. It is frustrating. I talked with my spouse and she said she was just so tired and it just didn't do anything for her anymore. We sought counseling and it helped for awhile, but we eventually got divorced because of other issues. You should see if she is interested in talking to a physician about the problem and ask about the new meds out. If she is unwilling then you're going to be pretty miserable and it's going to create other issues, issues that could lead to divorce as in my case. I don't subscribe to this saying, but I've heard many married people agree with it. If you're not getting what you need at home you'll seek it elsewhere. It could be a problem.

Answer 6

I do not always want to have sex when my partner does.
Sometimes I just take pleasure in pleasing my partner. You need for your spouse and you to go to counseling. Sex should not be a chore, or yucky. Counseling will help this situation. It is amazing that a good professional can hlep you and your spouse communicate more effectivlely. You will be well pleased.

Answer 7

Believe me I know how you feel as I've been in the same boat. I think you could suggest that she talk to her gynecologist about her low sex drive. It could be hormonal or emotional. Things will only get worst if you don't resolve this issue. Perhaps you both should seek out a sex therapist. Its always good to have a professional third party to mediate when its emotionally difficult to dicuss problems in your marriage.

Good luck!

Answer 8

my husband had a massive heart attack, followed by a significant stroke. we do not make love any more because he can not. but marriage is more than sex. it is a deep abiding love and committment. are we embarassed it is happening to us? no, its part of life. we are just grateful he survived all his ills. we are only in our early 30's so we have many years left to enjoy our lives. the way they are. there are no regrets, and no looking back at what could have been - that is a momumental waste of time.
as for people telling us its our fault? no one knows. its no one else's business.
if you are having woes in this area, and you are sick of people telling you its your fault, then perhaps you should stop whining to people about the problem. i mean really, here you are whining to a bunch of strangers, trying to make it sound as though we should pity you. you sound like a very immature person. i think you need to take a good long look in the mirror - the person you are staring at is the problem. grow up and stop blaming others.
get some help with whatever your issues are and move on with your life.

Answer 9

My husband is 5 years older than me (I'm 21, he is 26) and his sex drive is much less active than mine. I would like to have sex at least once a day, but in reality we only have sex a couple times a week. I feel bad a lot, I feel like he isn't as attracted to me as when he first met me. I want to be close and make love, I feel like it's a very special thing between people who love each other. I feel rejected when I try to make the first move, and he tells me he is tired, or if he doesn't really respond to it at all. It can be a very hurtful thing. A lot of times if I bring to his attention that he has neglected me a lot lately and I would like to make love, he tells me that I care too much about sex, and that's how whores act. It definitely causes problems.

Answer 10

You should have this talk with your wife. If it is so important to you, then she has to know. If you would turn to others for sex because you don't get it enough, then she must know this, because it can become the motivating factor in keeping you from destroying your relationship. Don't make your mind up and do something you'll regret before communicating your needs. If she doesn't respond, then your next step will be clear.