What would YOU do ?

Question

I'm from Europe and moved to the US in 1999 .
I'm an American now .
I have a daughter in Europe and 3 grandchildren .
My daughter does'nt speak to me anymore ,although we used to be very close .
She said I abanded her ( she 38 now ) .
I wrote letters she never anwsered telling her .......I have a life too , and want to be happy ....and I am .
She said she will never talk to me again as long as she lives .
Making it very hard for me to see my grandkids when I go over there .
What would you do ?

Answer 1

This is very sad for you Linda.
I gather you know your daughters address, So why not write her each fortnight, & include 'litte Hello's' to your Grandchidren. The letters to your daughter don't have to be long, keep them short & sweet with letting her know a little bit about what your up to & resipricating the invitation to her.
She may not respond for a while, but sometimes, gentle persistance pays off!
Prayer always delivers answers!
God counts your tears & hears your every word - even before you say it.
Blessings Linda.

Answer 2

I know the problem very well. I am livbing in SE Asia and am from the USA. I have four children and have not had a word from or about them since 1995. I was very much aware that it would be that when I left the states but at first they thought it was just for a short time and I woudl be back to give them money and buy them things like cars. Oldest now is 48 nd youngest is 38 so they were ot children when I left in 92.

For me I just had to accept that it was finished and I would never see or hear from any of them again. I was the one that left and probably in doing so hurt them.

For you I do not know. I have a hunch though that it would be best to leave it alone for now. might be that she will think about it later. Possible but not likely.

Answer 3

That is a very hard question, probably the hardest one I've answered here yet.

You made your decision to come to America and become a citizen many years ago and you must have had many good reasons. Now you must remember those reasons and rely on your own original judgment.

May I add however, that you raised your child and now you are entitled to your own life and happiness. You did not abandon your daughter because she was a 30 year old adult when you moved here. That is not a child nor is it abandonment. Mothers are never too old to be accused nor to be made to feel guilty. She made the choice to cut you off. That was Her decision to punish you.

Your grandchildren will be older someday and they will seek you out no matter what she tells them. Some come even to find a grave and are surprised their grandparent(s) are alive and then realize they were lied to. Now Be Free. Peace.

Answer 4

Respect her feelings and don't add insult to injury by stirring up a hornets nest to try and force her to allow you to see them.

It is your attempt to justify your own guilt that would allow you to do such a thing...

Love... and genuine care for those kids. Means not becoming a source of pain to them by upsetting their mother or their life.

Swallow the pill with some sugar and just accept the fact that you can't have your cake and eat it too.

Your daughter feels you made a choice she couldn't control... So she made one of her own that she feels you can't. Essentially... She is doing it to show you exactly how what you did made her feel... even when we justify things in our own heads and hearts to enable us to live with our decisions, that doesn't mean that everyone else feels the same way or shares your rational.

Maybe she is wrong... But right now she doesn't see it that way. She is seeing everything red. There is no appeasing an angry, hurt heart. and what good does attempts at explaining it do when both parties believe they are justified?

Acceptance of "it is what it is." and maybe an attempt at a GENUINE apology that acknowledges her feelings could heal it? But I don't suggest trying to explain it... It wont ever makes sense to her.

It is the unfortunate side effects of a total lack of communication and hurt feelings being left too long to stew and simmer.

Don't hurt the kids to love them... Sometimes when you love something... Letting them be is the best thing to do for everyone involved.

Answer 5

If you moved without carrying them along, then, it must have been insensitive of you and if you did not keep in touch immediately after moving, that must be the source of difficulties.

However, you must continue persuading her to understand why it went that way and that she should forgive you. Get some mutual friends or relations to talk to her. Don't give up at all until she changes her stance as she is your daughter and there is no bush that is good enough to throw your child into.
Good luck!

Answer 6

She looks to be really immature and or has some deep seated emotional issues. Since she won't talk to you, you can't help her. If your grandkids are a little older, they may be able to help her or if you have some common friends, they may be able to convince her to see a counsellor or a psychiatrist.

Answer 7

Stay in my home country.