Arguing with your spouse. We're both students and she has a job that is going to lead her in to her career,

Question

while I have a job at a bar that I can't barely stand anymore because my boss is a total whacko. I'm going to start Med School in September so I'll stop working anyway but last night we got in a big fight because I was complaining about my boss and she started telling me how she couldn't stand to hear about it anymore and that I should have gotten another job a long time ago. I feel like as my partner she should be the first one to be supportive of me when I'm down, not basically telling me to keep it to myself or get over it. Am I wrong here? Afterwards she started crying because I said she was a $&*% for not being more understanding and that I expected her to be the one I could tell these things to. We're both under a lot of stress with school and the fact that we never have ANY money left over at the end of the month.

Answer 1

You are both young, and it sounds like you have a communications problem. She may very well be tired of hearing about your job, and may very well have thought for a long time "well, why doesn't he get another job?". Instead of discussing that with you, though, she waits until you've laid another work story on her and then blows up at you.

There is nothing here that you two can't discuss. You are both under stress - talk about how each of you think that affects you. Talk about ways to blow off steam that aren't directed at each other.

Talk to her about her feelings about you and your job. Tell her why you stay in it, if she honestly wants to know.

Talk about what you as a couple expect from each other. You do both need to be there for each other. But you can't just endlessly dump on her about your job, and she can't just never want to deal with stuff like that.

Relationships are messy, and honest communication, clear and often, is key.

After dinner tonight, you two sit down and discuss everything you have on your minds. Rationally, not resentfully or anything. You sound like good people.

Good luck.

Answer 2

I am not sure discussing work problems with your spouse is always the best thing. I have a high stress job so I head straight to the gym after work each day and work off my stress and talk to people there. By the time I get home in the evenings I have work out of my system. In your case - a brisk walk or run might do the trick. I know your spouse is your partner and you like to feel like you can go to them with your problems - but in the case of work, they are helpless to do anything. Discussing problems at work only adds to your partner's stress level and feelings of frustration. You are both young and under a lot of stress. Keep reminding yourself that you both have goals and in the end - the struggle will be worth it. As far as the money goes - you can make huge salaries and still not have money left at the end of the month. Don't get caught in the trap of arguing about money. Try starting a jar or can in which you both put $1.00 every time you start to complain about work. By the end of the month - you will probably have enough to go out for a nice evening.

Answer 3

This is an issue of communication and being a good buddy. Look, when you come home and dump about your job, you have to imagine that you are in her shoes. She's probably heard enough about it (and knows that she cannot change the job for you) that she feels helpless. She can't help you. Only you can help you. So it gets frustrating to hear negative stuff all of the time and she vented at you. Then she realized that this is not the way to be toward her husband and she cried and apologized. Yes, she should be supportive, but you have to listen to yourself when you are complaining about your job and your boss -- anyone can take a little but a lot may be too much. School and work and finances are a very stressful lot. Communicate through it and be each other's best buddy. Good luck!

Answer 4

As your spouse she should listen to you gripe. I never told my husband he couldn't gripe just like he never told me I couldn't. HOWEVER we also never ever call each other names. NEVER do that. It starts your relationship going in a very negative way! So go apologize for calling her a name and tell her in a NICE way that sometimes you just need someone to listen but that if she's feeling to stressed out to listen at the moment to just say so (again she needs to say it nicely) Probably by the time she's ready to listen you won't even feel like complaining anyway. This is how my husband and I've done things for 10 years (and we've both gone through the jobs at the mall and at restaurants and gone through the times with negative money left at the end of the month) and things have worked out fine because we both show each other support without overwhelming the other one. With you going to med school soon and all the major stress that comes with that you guys need to figure this stuff out. I'm sure you already know how high the divorce rate is for med students and I'm sure you don't wnat to end up one of those couples!
Good luck!

Answer 5

If she's under alot of stress due to financial problems and school then that's why she blew up on you. Yes your right she should be supportive but, you can only hear the same complaints so many times. Especially if she's worried about things she has to get done. And she is also right get anohter job a better one even. Hang in there if you could see how this would end you probably wouldn't be so stressed out. All things always work out at the end.

Answer 6

Can I turn this situation about for your perspective please? Imagine you get home from a full day with its own pressures, imagine you may have a headache or backache. Now imagine before you even get to cool off and have a drink of water to refresh yourself, your partner comes home and starts to vent about how awful the boss is. And it is not the first time you have heard this story. Can you honestly say you would leave all ... the water you wanted, the headache that is bugging and being tired to say, "hey honey, tell me all about it you poor thing?" I do doubt this. My solution is you need to set aside a time that is appropriate and ask your partner if it is a good time for you to talk to her as you are feeling down and need to just vent for a bit. Go for a coffee and sit down, talk of all sorts of things. Compliment the things you love in your partner. Then say I am feeling a bit down too. May I talk it over with you? Then if you get the go ahead, say what you have on your mind. At no time should you call your lady nasty names. I think that is totally wrong and can't help any situation. Please apologise to your lady immediately and assure her you will try to keep a civil tongue in your head. Your parents did not bring you up to be a vulgar insensitive type I am sure. Be understanding towards her stresses too. You said there is not a spare dime to go around. This can't help for either of you. Try to be a comfort to her as well as asking her to be there for you too. If you can't get this support every time, that is normal. Nobody can be a bottomless well for anyone. This is why we have family and friends. Share the load about a bit. And if they have not got the time or inclination at the time to listen, please don't go calling them horrible names either!

Hope this helps you see things from a different angle and so give you a way of bridging the gap between you. Treat your lady nicely or one day you may be on your own.

Best wishes,

Lisa

Answer 7

As someone who has been married for almost 22 yrs. and went through exactly the same situation the first 5 years of our marriage - trying to better ourselves, having no money, tired stressed out and constantly having major league nuclear fights I can tell you, you will get through it.

Trying to understand each other, being supportive, constantly watching your pennies and most of all having a sense of humor - all these things you will have to do to get through it. Also knowing that you will get to a point where life will get better financially and otherwise is something to hold onto. Remember some people go their whole lives scrapping by and it's never going to get any better!

But the number one thing that kept us together through all the horror at the beginning was WE COULDN'T AFFORD A DIVORCE LAWYER. LOL

Life is good now. We have two wonderful sons, no money worries and we love each other dearly.

So hang in there, I promise you no matter how horrible it seems. It will get better.

Answer 8

There are several things to think about here. First, I think your wife was trying, maybe not so effectively, to convey to you that it was OK to change jobs and that she did not want you to be unhappy with your job and wished you had found another one already. You are both working, trying to complete your schooling, pay bills. Your are short on money and short on time together...short on fun and laughter. You both need to sit down and work out a budget to cut unnecessary expenses, stretch your money further and not have so many financial pressures. You need to look for another job. I recommend apologizing to your wife and sitting down face to face and talking about your stresses, concerns and stress the fact that you love one another and you are a team. If things continue as they are, I would suggest a marriage counselor which may be available through your college or your local mental health dept. Financial problems are the nation's number 1 reason for divorce. You are both obviously smart people or you wouldn't be heading to medical school. I hope you can work these problems out.

Answer 9

first of all, she's in school and you are about to start school. both of you are working and studying and under a lot of stress from trying to do too much. and this is not even including the relationship that you are in. it seems as if you both need support, but you need to get it elsewhere other than yourselves because of what you are already going through (work and school). maybe you should wait until after you two are done with school to resume your relationship. then that is one less thing to add stress to your relationship. besides being in a relationship is not about 'i'm first and you are second'. maybe she's tired of hearing you complain about something that you could have changed a long time ago. have you thougt about that? put yourself in her shoes. she's going to school AND working. i understand what that feels like because i'm doing the same thing. except i have two jobs and going to school part time. i'm doing something about my situation insted of complaining about it. and the last thing that i would like to hear is someone else complaining about their situation when they have the same power to change it themselves. if you are that unhappy....what's keeping you from looking for another job? if you know that she's tired of hearing it...then take your complaints to your friends, or your journal. you need support, she needs support...i just dont' think that you two are in a situation to be in a serious relationship because your attention is towards work (to pay bills) and towards school.

Answer 10

It sounds like she was just really stressed out about her own day, and when you started complaining ( which i think you must do often) it was just the straw that broke the camel's back. so to speak. She probably couldn't wait to get home and relax and then when she finally did, you sort of ruined it for her. i'd say that's why she blew up at you. Then of course after she had a few minutes to reflect, she realized what a jerk she must've sounded like to you and apologized. I think maybe YOU should apologize to her too. Maybe before you start in complaining about your day, you could 1st take the time to find out how hers went.