I am soon to be married ( arranged marriage). My question is how do people who had arranged marriages deal with it on the first night. Is there a rule that we should have sex the first night? I am so nervous. I have talked to my husband-to-be a few times and he seems nice. But how do I approach him on the first night and first few days. I don't want to deny him but I want to form a friendship before doing anything. I am too shy to ask him myself (since we don't know each other that much) that is why I am asking it here. How did you guys deal with this? Any extra suggestions will also be appreciated. I think dealing with this problem is easier for the guys. Please help! I nervous. Are all brides-to-be like this or am i just weird?
2007-03-21 02:27:27 · 10 answers · asked by blush 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Just adding something so people won't be confused or surprised. To me arranged marriage is normal. That is how we have been doing it for generations. I don't mind it, in fact i'm relieved that I don't have to search someone for myself. I like God and my parents to be involved in this process. And I am not being forced into this marriage. My parents did let me make the decision myself so I choose him after talking to him a few times. They don't let me date like they do it in the western cultures which i am fine with since I don't want all that stress added to this. I not courageous enough to birng up this topic with him. What i need here is advice from older people (especially women) who have gone through arranged marriage on how they delt with the first night and the first few days as a newly-wed. I am nervous about how it is done in the bedroom on the first night and if there are any rules. And I am an indian.
2007-03-21 03:21:01 · update #1
This is a very interesting question. Let me tell you my own experience. I might caution you that I am also an Indian man and got married (via an arranged marriage) nearly five years ago. I am city-bred while my wife comes from a small city. Both of us are from cultured families and well-educated. We got introduced just like you did and were living in different cities and had spoken to each other only a few times before we got married.
The important things are:
1. The first rule is - there are no rules. The wife is more worried and looking for emotional love whereas the husband is more eager for the physical aspect of the relationship. Ultimately, they both come adjust and come together. Don't make the mistake of forcing rules on your partner unless you want them to shy away. Remember, you barely know each other.
2. No one is an expert - Like us, you and your husband are new to this "first-night" thing. Realistically speaking, be prepared for a total disaster when you do it the first time. It works and becomes pleasureful for both partners only after about 10 times (or usually more) when you have explored enough. Be prepared for some initial pain too.
3. Don't force each other into it - Discuss this with your would-be and arrive at a comfortable arrangement. I can see from your posting that you want him to become a good friend first, a husband next and a lover finally. Tell him that this is your expectation - but don't forget to ask him what he wants and prepare to compromise on both sides.
4. Relax - After the hectic hustle and bustle of marriage, you are both too tired to stand (forget having a physical experience). Get into a relaxed mood where you are comfortable with each other - the honeymoon is the best time for this because you have spent some time together, got to know each others' likes and dislikes and comforts and fears.
5. Have fun - Remember to enjoy the experience and tell your husband that both of you would like to look back fondly on this moment ever afterwards. Avoid making pornographic movies your ideal since they are altered to awaken your desires and do not depict reality. Also, stay away from myths such as the "woman must bleed else she is not a virgin", "woman's NO actually means YES" and old superstitions, else you will ruin this beautiful moment.
6. Adjust, adjust, adjust - Remember Rule #1, there are no hard and fast rules. What worked for us may not be ideal for you. It is up to both of you to find that middle ground where both are comfortable. After all you need to love each other and spend the rest of your life trusting each other. Marriage does mean adjustment after all. Both your parents have found this person who they think will suit you the best, and now the rest is up to you.
Good luck and wish both of you a Happy Married Life!
2007-03-21 08:37:38 · answer #1 · answered by Zapata 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Congratulations!!!!
There's no special rule. Just be yourself. It would be a moment of anxiety, nervousness, pride, etc. Just be comfortable with your partner. Try to be friends. Me and my wife kept discussing about ourselves at the first night. Next the onwards, there was no stopping.
Before you get married, keep in touch with him. ring him up, talk to him. Marriage is not about sex, it's about companionship, dedication. Show your dedication. be a good friend of his. I'm sure things would go smooth.
All the best...
:-)
2007-03-21 19:36:34 · answer #2 · answered by plato's ghost 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First, he is not your husband yet so ask him if its ok for you to get to know him before you actually do IT. I wouldn't wanna be forced to marry but it doesn't hurt to ask a request. I am sure it will be ok with him. Even in my culture they have arranged marriages but being frank is good for you in a relationship you didn't expect.
2007-03-21 03:09:25 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i didn't know that arranged marriages were still popular... hmm. You said it yourself, that you don't know the guy really well. Why don't you try to get to know him better while you still aren't married. Find out what he's like, i'm sure you'll know what to do when the time comes. Good luck.
2007-03-21 02:38:21 · answer #4 · answered by asker :) 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
take a deep breath, i dont think your parents would of put you into a arranged marriage with a bad guy, chances are he probally wont mind getting to know you more before having sex. this is going to be your partner for life so try and talk to him about it, if you cant im sure he will be able to tell your nervous so be yourself and you might end up wanting to by the end of the night. weddings are very emotional.
2007-03-21 02:58:46 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Whoa! I would not want to be in your shoes. I would never want to be forced to marry someone I didn't know and then forced to sleep with atotal stranger. I don't know how women do it. How would I deal with it? I wouldn't marry him. Good luck to you.
2007-03-21 02:55:02 · answer #6 · answered by Lilith 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I am afraid of this kind of marriage and you don't even know about him and then suddenly once you agree with him about marrying him yieks, or how many ladies he had while his away ang doest know anything about him , it's quite frightening and that's al you have to give what he wanted.
if u are virgin , yes it's frightening .
2007-03-22 00:12:40 · answer #7 · answered by amwid-u:) 2 · 0⤊ 2⤋
I would say don't plan for it and just do what comes naturally. Its a human instinct and you both will automatically know what to do. Don't worry!
2007-03-21 02:49:55 · answer #8 · answered by Stareyes 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Dont lock up yourself in unwanted controversies, speak only what is desired. Control your mind and tounge......full life is left for that. understand him fully and then start taking liberty. Avoid discussing net culture with him, it may suck you.
2007-03-23 00:04:54 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
it is quite normal for you to be nervous...most brides are...I believe you should just let your husband take the lead...I
m certain he will guide you to what is expected of you...and you will do just fine...it is the man's job to guide his woman where he wants her....relax and I'm sure you will enjoy your husband and the marrage
2007-03-21 03:28:54 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋