i've been married for 13 yrs.& just about a month ago i found out that my husband was cheating on me while he

Question

was working out of town in Pensacola, fl. he even went so far as to video it and bring it home and hide it ! we have 2 children 8 &7. they are really disturbed by what their dad has done. i filed for a divorce the very next day, there is no telling how long it has been going on so how will i ever be able to trust a man again? he didn't even give a reason for him doing it other than "she was nice & friendly to him " most w****s are. how do i get over something this tragic & at the same time be strong for my kids? please only serious answers!!!!!!!!!!!!

my kids found the video & brought it to me & they over heard us talking about it. i've stood by him through drug abuse, mental&physical abuse&i just feel it's time to move on with my life. when he would come home for the wkend he wouldnt want anything to do with me.i've always been good to him and never denied him of ANYTHING!!! i am seeking counseling and i am strong for my kids. i just dont understand how he could do this to me. he use to be a wonderful man, but now it's all about HIM!! and i'm not playing his stupid games anymore. if he wants to go f**k around with every whore he meets then he's free to do it. because I'M DONE!!!!

Answer 1

I'm sorry to hear that, and that is some STUPID reason to cheat on you, did you have a fight before he left? Or were you guys rocky for a while? He's an asshole. For doing that, i mean that's bullshit, just because some chick he met was friendly and nice to him??? thats ****. pure ****. And you have kids??? What kind of father is that? Does he even care for your kids? Thats terrible. Don't always make them see their father too much, he could brain wash them or take them away, its possible, be very, seriously careful. Don't give in if someone will court you again, make sure that he has a good job, and a living, not the type who likes to have tons of girls, kind, smart(how else will he feed you & the kids?) funny so he can amuse you & your kids when you guys are down or feel sad, and then again serious when he needs to be, like with work and earning a living. And who your kids are comfortable with, thats important, you can't force your kids to like someone, give them hope, that your still there, be strong, because when your kids grow up, they'll know to be strong, and they'll tell stories to friends that they were inspired by their mom, who stood strong for them when serious hardships came. (= And concentrate on earning a living, for work, your kids education, education is important, don't look for another man too fast or any relationship in the future, just a living, protecting your kids, loving them and being with them. Teach them good things always. (:

Answer 2

Children 8 & 7 years old probably should have been given another reason for why there Father will be exiting the house. Listen I know you are angry and it is helpful to be angry right now to conceal the hurt. But the quicker you work yourself past the hurt and anger the better off you and your kids will be. If you really think that the marriage cannot be saved why not get into some therapy and talk to someone. After that you will have some planning to do. I suggest you take lots of time to do things for YOU. Work out, lose some weight if needed, paint your nails, get your hair done. Get a massage! You need to repair your self esteem and start feeling healthy again. Dont make your divorce contentious. Dont argue or fight over things. Dont let this consume you. It will be over before you know it just keep your focus on what waits for you on the other side. A second chance to be happy with someone else who will appreciate your talents, your sense of humor and how great you are in bed. Good Luck

Answer 3

You won't ever get over it but you will get past it with time. Why do your 7 and 8 year old know what happened? Mentally they can't comprehend what a cheating spouse is so your best bet is to keep them as removed from it as possible. Just make sure they know that you love them very much and will be there for them. Talk to them. EVERYDAY, even about stupid stuff. Don't give yourself the chance to wallow in self pity, join a gym, pick up a new hobby, take a vacation with the kids to someplace fun. Read a good book about a wronged lover that got some good revenge then throw it away. If you can pick yourself up and see how much better off you will be, then your kids will follow suit. They will repeat what you say and do so give them a good role model.

Answer 4

First off, how did the kids find out? They should be kept out of this at all cost. It's damaging to the kids that they think their dad is a scumbag. Especially at this age.

Secondly, you pick up and move on. Remember that he's the one with the problem. Yes, you are hurt and for good reason.
Have a good cry here and there, and try as best you can not to use anger or retaliation. Rise above his behavior and look that this as a second chance for happiness for you. You have the chance to find YOU again. You can take this opportunity to take a nice hot bath, when it's his weekend for the kids, listen to your favorite music having a nice glass of wine, go out with your friends and vent about it, get a membership to a gym and workout that frustration. Eventually you will be renewed. I know it's tough believe me but in a few years or even less you will be so happy you found out now rather than waste anymore time with an unfaithful husband.

Remember that the trust will never be there with you and he again but that you cannot convict every man of the same crime. Every man needs his own benefit of the doubt, his own chance with you .... there are nice men out there, men who have also been cheated on and hurt just like you.

You'll find someone eventually, but now you need to take the time for you and focus on yourself and those two little blessings that you have, they'll help get you through the tough times just by loving you with that awesome child-like love!

Answer 5

I am sorry that you had to go through that.I must say that you had no business telling your 7 & 8 yr old children about it.That is an adult problem not a child's problem and you should not have brought your children into it.What your husband did was beyond wrong but you were wrong for telling your children.You obviously need to get a divorce and file for child support but you also have to give your children the right to still have a relationship with their father.You need to seek counseling to get over your hurt and it would also be a good idea to get your children counseling as well since you felt the need to involve them in this horrible situation.I am sorry but I am having a really hard time giving you advice because I am very disturbed that you involved your children that is just soo wrong..

Answer 6

Well you hit the nail on the head. You have answered your own question. You believe you cannot trust him again. Without trust a relationship has lost its foundation. Something that bothers me in your scenario is his incredible insensitivity about the whole ordeal. He has expressed no remorse towards you and seems to have a very negative opinion about women in general. Almost as though he felt entitled to cheat. Very narcissitic in my opinion. Not sure how your children found out but I can say they are entirely too young to process this information in a healthy manner on their own. A divorce impacts them obviously. You may need to get them some counseling if you notice a lot crying, fallen grades, etc. Keep the communication open and fluid with them. Remember their father is 50% of their gene pool, so it would be rather unproductive for you to perhaps put their father down in front of them. Indirectly it puts them down actually. They need to heal as well.

How do you move on? Well start by acknowledging all your feelings. The hurt, anger, helplessness, anxiety, etc. Essentially the betrayal. You would be best to get some professional help..if only for a time period. Find out perhaps why things became the way they did in the relationship. The hardest part in my opinion is to take responsibility for your part...and everyone plays a part...and I am not talking about beating yourself up and being judgmental towards yourself , but rather beginning to think and contemplate about what was actually going on in the relationship prior to the cheating. There are always signs once we really think about it. I think there has been enough Oprah and Dr. Phil shows that say that cheating occurs because of "how the other person made them feel about themself". I am not saying I buy all that. But on a fundamental level there is breakdown in communication and intimacy of that type, when cheating occurs.

For you to move on and trust another man again...and it will happen some day, you must rid yourself of the anger, and ultimately you must forgive yourself and HIM, even if it is only in your heart so you can move on in a healthy manner.

Answer 7

Get your hands on that tape and make a copy and give it to a trusted girlfriend for safekeeping.
Learning your husband has cheated on you and it's probably not the first time is a horrible feeling....I was there 25 years ago. It took me 20 years but I finally found someone new to love and am getting remarried. There is a future for you. You don't have to be like me (don't recommend it) and throw yourself into a career while raising children. Get out and meet someone while you are still young. Don't rush anything and don't let anyone talk you into going out before you are ready.
One day, if you're lucky like me, you'll meet a man you know you can trust right from the start. You don't always have to be strong for the children....they know he cheated on you and he basically cheated on them too .... thought a fling was more important than being there to raise them.
Try to find things to occupy yourselves. If you had traditional ways to celebrate holidays etc., create new traditions.
Good luck in your new life...chin up, you'll make it. Remember...he's the one missing out and one day he'll realize it when it's too late.

Answer 8

I'm sorry to hear that your husband was unfaithful.
But, this is not what you wanna hear. It is not a "tragic" as you are making it. It's a bad thing, true. Tragic? Not hardly.

You sound like a wife that was looking for a way out anyway. This seems like you are using your husbands cheating to get out. AND you even AMPED up the situation to your kids. Then you sprinkle words like "trust" in the situation to justify your wanting to leave anyway. Heck....you filed for divorce the very next day...whatever. There is a lot more going on here.

Your mindset should not be "how do I trust another man?"...so soon after finding this out. The fact that you can even think about the possibility of another relationship right now leads me to believe that you weren't completely into your husband anyway. This is probably what made it easy for your husband to cheat.

Answer 9

I'm amazed at how awful we can be to one another, first as humans - one to another - but then, in a relationship (marriage) that should be the safest of all places.

Wow, you have every right to be a basket case. But you're right you have to hold it together for your kids. I still think you need a day where you take them to your moms and you go and cry at your best friends house the whole day. When you go in ask her not to say a thing, but just to hold you (you need some hugs from friends, and lots of'em).

Do you have the tape? This is very good evidence to bury this guy. With it you should have no problem getting alimony and child support for you and your children.

Now, as to how can you ever trust again. ... not going to be easy, and take your time. I think when your ready again, you'll be cautious, but able. You will begin to miss the touch of someone close, and that will begin your return to trust.

I really hate this guy, and others like him, that make my gender look so bad. Just know we're not all like that. Some of us are able to remain married and never cheat. You will find that man. I'm just sorry you had to go through a spoiled child, posing as a man, to find him.

Answer 10

I'm curious to know how your children found out. Unless they are the ones who discovered the video it was innappropriate to tell them about their father cheating. Did you try counseling? Does he want to go to counseling? I'm not saying what he did was right, but is he a good father? Has he done anything like this since?

You should take time to talk to a counselor, instead of thinking about having another relationship with another man and whether or not you can trust him...a guy who you haven't even met yet. I would work on keeping the details of his affair away from your children. See about counseling, and re-evaluate your relationship in general. Everyone makes mistakes...if he hasn't done it since I would seek counseling to see if the relationship can be salvaged.