i really do want my marriage to work, but I don't know how to?

Question

I do love my husband whom I've been married to for six years now. We have no kids and do not plan on having any. Our marriage has never really been easy. We're complete opposites. I know he loves me and I trust him dearly. But he gives me the hardest time when it comes to my clothes, hair, nails, or even the way I talk. He's what I refer to as a "prep" and I'm - well - not that. He gives me a hard times about my tattoos too, which I did have before we married. But everytime I get another one, he freaks out. If I talk to him beforehand about it, he calls me trashy and says I'll be ugly to him. So I just do whatever I want to do - it's my body which he says became half his when I married him. I don't want to leave him, but when I think about my life on my own to where I can make my own decisions without getting any grief, I get really happy and excited. I just know that I did not get married to be told "NO" when it comes to my own body. What should I do?

Answer 1

Wow. This made me sad. My wife and I are complete opposites too. It sounds like your husband thought that he could change you into something that he wanted. He was probably first attracted to you, b/c of this badgirl thing. It was so not him, and he felt wild. Now, he's wanting you to conform to him, and his lifestyle.

As for him calling you trashy -- totally unacceptable. Trashy would be sleeping with his brother. I am sorry that he called you that. You are worth more than trash.

About your body -- it is your body, Yes. But there is an aspect of life that when you get married, your body is not just your own, but your spouces too. Which is NOT to say that he can tell you what to do, or demand sex from you any time that he wants, but I do think that you should consider his side.

About tatoos -- I am not opposed to tattoos at all. I think that some of them are really cool. But please remember (I am assuming that you are in your 20s) that you will not be this young, and look this good for long. Are you really going to want all of that ink when you are 40? 50? What about 65?

If I got all of the ink that I was interested in, I'd be covered in names of women in my life, Grateful Dead stuff, and tons of other stuff.

Currently, I'm glad that I didn't get any, b/c my feelings on all of those things have changed.

Marriage -- Stick it out. Marriage is not disposable. Find a counselor.

Answer 2

If your body is half his, doesn't that also mean that his body is half yours? Why don't you make the argument that you want him to get a tattoo of a bunch of pansies on his derriere, since his body is half yours.

That being said, I understand his point. When he met you and you had tattoos, he accepted that as they were. It didn't bother him. But in his opinion, you are becoming excessive with it. If he was a few pounds overweight when you married him, but then ballooned up to over 200 pounds overweight, you might feel the same way he feels about the tattoos. (Admittedly, weight isn't a great example, but the concept is the same.).

If you are unwilling to compromise on tattoos, you are missing the whole point of making a marriage work. Are they really that important that you'd be willing to throw away your marriage over it? And it also doesn't mean you have to give in on every single issue.

Answer 3

Did you bother to explain to him before you got married that you were planning on getting more tats? He probably assumed that you had already gotten it out of your system. He may not have liked your tats but he accepted you for who you were. But you still keep upping the bar. No wonder he's getting upset.
I also have a number of tats. Started getting them when I was 17, I'm now 50. Know what? A lot of my tats now look like crap. It's an age thing. How do you think you'll look when you're saggy & wrinkly at 50? What may look hot now WILL NOT look hot later. Think about it. I don't know about you but I found getting tats addictive. Endorphins I guess. And contrary to popular belief, tats on a woman do look trashy. If I could turn back the clock, I'd have never gotten them.
Something else to think about. Who wants a grandma that looks like a circus freak?

Answer 4

My friend,

This is a funny place to be in - you want a tattoo, it's your body, but you're his wife. You have a right to tattoo yourself, but he has a right to not be happy about it.

These are not easy to reconcile and this is the biggest challenge of marriage. In my opinion, it is selfish of you to tattoo yourself against his objections. But it's also selfish of him to simply say "no".

I get the sense that you were too young and that your choice of husband is not the principle problem. If it were another husband, you'd be fighting about something else.

He is probably concerned most of all about what you getting more tattoos means. It means you are getting LESS like him, permanently altering your body against his wishes.

If he decided to grow a long, Moses-type beard, that would probably bother you. But why should it? It's his body. Not exactly. Your bodies DO belong to eachother, to some extent, when you get married. It's still principly yours, but if you are going to make some change to it against the will of the other, it's hurtful.

Answer 5

What do you mean - you want your marriage to work? What marriage? What you have is not a marriage. I don't quite know what to call it, but a marriage it definitely isn't.

Your body became half his, when he married you - what kind of crock is that? Let's say he is about to eat his favourite food (which, for the sake of argument, let's say you hate) - do you get to say: "Hold on, don't eat that! I hate that food, and I don't want it in a body that's half mine!" How about haircuts? Which side of his head do you get to cut and style as YOU like? Clothes! Do you get to dress half of his body in colours YOU prefer?
Come on, do you see how ridiculous this is? If I were you, I'd be laughing all the way to the divorce attorney's office.

Answer 6

You both have to get on the same page about marriage. Obviously his is a bit twisted and outmoded. Half your body his his?? I don't think so. This doesn't mean go out and do a "in your face" thing just to prove a point. Consuling might be a alternative here. My wife and I both have tattoos(and getting more,lol). If he doesn't want to do consuling and just says "do what I say!!" it might be time to plan and prepare to end the marriage.

Answer 7

First, he does not "own" half of you, or any of you .. you are you... If you are really not that compatible, why did you get married in the first place? It does not sound like you are very happy in the situation you are in right now. With no kids, and in essence, only time invested, why not bail why you can and still have a life to live and have fun ... Your current situation does not sound like one that either of you are really suited for.

Answer 8

Does he tell you when to go to the bathroom too? He knew what he was getting into when he married you. If he didn't like you, how could he have loved you enough to commit for the rest of his life? You need to tell him that he should have thought about all of this before he married you. Tell him that if he loves you, he will accept you as you are. Don't let him keep putting you down. It is not good for the children to hear such . It will cause them confusion.

Answer 9

Yeah, he chose you for who you are, yet you keep changing yourself, adding more tattoos and stuff.

Frankly, it doesn't sound like you want to be his partner. Partners don't go and do things they know will upset their spouse. You want him to just rubber stamp what you want to do, regardless of his feelings.

While I agree, you can do what you want, it seems you are bent on doing this regardless of what this does to your marriage.

Your actions and your words don't match. You say you want your marriage to work, but then you say you want to do things that you know, based on prior experience, will drive a wedge between you and your husband.

So my question back to you is which is more important, making your marriage work or having your own way at his expense? Based on what you've written, I suspect having your own way is more important.

When one marries, everything they have now belongs to their spouse and vice versa. Your husband sold himself short when he said he has 1/2 interest in your body. You belong 100% to him and he belongs 100% to you.

If you really want to make your marriage work, then look at Dr Harley's Policy of Joint Agreement. You don't do anything without ENTHUSIASTIC agreement by your spouse.

Answer 10

u both should accept to have a respect for other's liking & disliking . don't make it personal. Marrrige is something beyond bodies . it is the matter of souls, just don't look at the physical; side of it. Go for the kids so that u both have something else to worry & look at, to anticipate something
new for your future, it is the right time for kid if u both love eachother wanna save your relation & make it more strong than these superficial stupid objections.