Hi there all , please can you tell me what you think to my recent poem, please give constructive comments please, tell me how it makes u feel for i try and write about things that spark emotion, if it doesnt do anything for you please tell me why?, may thanx for your time.
Cold heart
The simple fact you’re here no more
A simple act my heart you tore
The pain caused will never relieve
For your love I will never receive
Alone in gloom I will sit
In this depression till heart is fit
I fear to try, scared to the core
Towards me love has closed its door
Now I understand love and its lines
The delicate structure and how it entwines
A flip of a coin what will it be
Love or hate directed towards me
My heart has grown cold and without care
No longer do I wish my life to share
2007-03-20 21:56:37 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous in Social Science ➔ Psychology
This just shows that ur so lonley at this stage of life...just because some one has played with ur emotions of true love...it revals ur pain and ur loneliness..but at the same time u have not gone into depression...nd if u feel how can i make such a statement then its because ..u have brought out ur feelings in terms of words...i feel " A PERSON WHO CAN EXPRESS HIS EMTIONS WILL NEVER GO WRONG IN TAKING DECISIONS" u have an opmistic view 4 urlife..nd never let that go 4 any preson who just steps into ur life to depress u. ... have a beautiful life ahead Mr optimist!
2007-03-20 22:14:27 · answer #1 · answered by snazzy 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It seems to contradict itself. It has a group of ideas that doesn't build into a whole, and that makes it difficult to feel what you feel. Maybe there is more to say that would bring it all together?
If you do drop the rules of grammar and punctuation, better make sure it is for good artistic reasons, ie enhances the effect rather than detracts.
But don't let me put you off! You do it _your_ way!
2007-03-21 05:20:05 · answer #2 · answered by meerkat 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its a fact that you chose were really sad, even though its a fact already I cant feel the emotion. Though it seems that the words are rhyming ( yeah, every word ending I guess..:), poems are not all about rhyme it should have sincerity and the purest emotion of the author.
2007-03-21 05:05:12 · answer #3 · answered by "technophobe" 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like your depressed and very sad that love has hurt you and left you too. yes, you can feel the emotions and the saddness that is also felt. Try flipping that coin the other way, and write something in the opposite affect.
2007-03-21 05:02:02 · answer #4 · answered by ? 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Thats a pretty good poem. Poems are always best when they rhyme! Not quite sure about the rhythm though. Seems some lines have more syllables than the others....?
2007-03-21 09:57:59 · answer #5 · answered by sazzy_b 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can see the point you are trying to get accross. But for me the poem was slightly spoilt by the fact that it was in rhyming couplets. It came accross as being more about getting the final words to rhyme than about the content. Sorry about that.
2007-03-21 05:00:30 · answer #6 · answered by louloubelle 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Great poem!!! It really is a nice but sad poem... But yeah, you don't need to rhyme it, do you? It looks that you're much concentrating on finding the right words to rhyme with, that's what I did in a poem-writing contest, and I lost! anyway, I can see your point and so keep on writing!!!
2007-03-21 06:48:09 · answer #7 · answered by wonder why 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
There are many fragments and bits that bein expressed but the only impression it gives out is despair of the author.
2007-03-21 05:08:47 · answer #8 · answered by Focus 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it comes acroos like someones had there heart broken makes me feel dread and sad havent you got a nice love poem there better
2007-03-21 06:37:11 · answer #9 · answered by suzy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i like it, hopefully the next one you write will be about realising you can love more then once and that in time things get better
2007-03-21 05:09:18 · answer #10 · answered by mudfish 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋