friend is seeing a married guy?

Question

i know this sounds bad but she is totally in love with him. she is a lovely pretty girl who could have anyone she wants and shes putting her life on hold being this guys mistress. she works with him. he has been married for 2 years and has a daughter, recently he told her he loves her and doesnt want her to see anyone else. she gave him the ultimatum to choose her or his wife and he said his wife because of his home and daughter but says its her he loves and her he wants to be with. he walks holding hands with her in public and makes their relationship no secret. i still think hes bad news as she spends half her time crying over him. what can i say to her to make her realise not to see him and to get on with her life??? no awful answers please, i am married with a child so no calling us slappers like most do on here

Answer 1

My best friend had a relationship with a married man for 13 years. They worked together; they knew each other before he was married; he was her boss at one stage. She held on for years onto the fact that he promised her, "when the kids are older, I'll leave."Yet he and his wife went on to have 5 children over the 13 years. When the fifth child was born, she finally came to the conclusion that he was never going to be hers, and she broke it off. She was then 43, had wasted her fertile years with this *********.had no hope then of having her own child with him, which was all she ever wanted. He suddenly woke up to what he was losing, and plagued her for months to have him back. He again promised her the sun, moon and stars. to her eternal credit, she held firm; bought herself a house and moved away from the area.
She still says he was the only man she ever truly loved; but deeply regrets the years she spent waiting for him.
your friend has a mind of her own; if she is seeing this guy, and people are nagging her to give him up; the chances are she won't. We can't live our friends' lives, much as we'd like to. this guy has the best of both worlds; a home, a family, a loving wife, and a bit on the side. Why would he upset that particular apple cart?

Answer 2

Well, I'm not so sure you can make her see anything. It seems she is going to have to learn the hard way. So, so sad that there is a child involved in this. She may get the man but then what has she got. A man that would leave his wife and child for another woman is no good and he'll prove that to her someday. I hope she won't have a child or children herself when he does. She really needs to get out while she can...there is nothing but more heartache for her down the road. It's so hard to figure out why she stays and spends half her time crying when she could find a single guy that would love her and WANT to make a life with her. I had a cousin that spent far more years than your friend has in a similiar relationship. She finally wised up and ended it but she could never recoup all that wasted time. Sadly, she never married. I hope it doesn't take your friend as long to figure out this guy is a big two timing jerk.

Answer 3

This is a tricky one but:

Tell you friend that there is no hope in a relationship with this guy as he has already told her he won't leave his wife and daughter................ and for her own sanity she should cut all contact with him as difficult as this might be - this guy is married with a child - tell her to think about his wife and child in all this.

I think the wife also has a right to know what is going on as it's just not fair on her if they are walking around in public holding hands etc............ it's only a matter of time till she finds out - ver nasty indeed............I don't really have much sympathy for the husband and your friend - they need to stop being immature and think about other people other than themselves!!

Sophia.

Answer 4

Hi. God give me his name might be the same Guy. Been there done that not proud but it happens. When it was all found out and the **** hit the fan I lost all my friends , had some serious grief and am now alone and not with the man I fell in love with . If your friend has tears now its nothing to what she will feel. Its nothing to be proud of dating a married man but unfortunately she will take all the blame from others . He will suck back up to his wife say it was her fault layed it on a plate etc. Get her as far away from the situation as possible

Answer 5

I am ashamed to say hun that I have been in your friends situation when I was a bit younger.......I knew all along that I was never going to be THE ONE but I still stayed because he made me feel like he loved me..........which was probably never the case!

My relationship went on for 2 years! We went on holidays, had Christmas together every thing you would expect in an exclusive relationship - except I was left alone when he went home to his wife!

No-one could tell me I was wrong or stupid at the time I just wouldn't listen......eventually I got sick of being 2nd best and yes the wife did find out ( not through me ). He then wanted me and I turned him down - his wife took him back.

Your friend will come to her senses eventually - you just have to let her go through the motions and be there to pick up the pieces..........I feel sorry for her.

Ema. x

Answer 6

Well, she loves him but....she really needs to get out of the relationship . It is best for her, it is best for him, his child and his wife.

Have her think about her future husband and if he were to do that to her, how would she feel? In fact, lets just say she does marry the guy, how faithful will he be to her until some other girl works with him?

This relationship could hurt her more if she doesnt stop now

Answer 7

I feel really strongly about this coming from a broken home -broken by a tart such as your friend. It is completely disgusting of her to be knowingly going out with someone who is married and that poor little child has not done anything to deserve your mate trying to split her parents up! I think you should tell your mate she is out of order- he is not going to leave his wife for her as he is obviously a GIT and what makes her think he will not get her pregnant and then cheat on her too!! Once a cheater always a cheater and never worth the tears.

Answer 8

She definitely has intimacy issues... That is why some people date marrieds. She KNOWS deep inside that this guy is "unavailable" yet pursues him anyway. She doesn't understand that she deserves better and needs help seeing that she is worthy of an available man.
When I was in a similar situation, I read the following book to get through it and change this self-destructive habit:
"Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships" by Susan Peabody
http://www.amazon.com/Addiction-Love-Overcoming-Dependency-Relationships/dp/0890877157/ref=sr_1_6/104-2239045-7739907?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1174468419&sr=1-6

As a friend, buy her the book and let her know that you'll be there every step of the way.
I can't even begin to tell you how much a friend changed my life by doing the same for me. (A good read for single women!)

Take care of each other,
Mon :-)

Answer 9

The problem with this situation is, she is living in false hope, she is obviously very unhappy even though she is happy if you know what I mean.
No matter what you say to her, she will always have an excuse for him, my advice is to just be there for her, if you keep telling her hes no good, she will eventually start to resent you.
There is nothing you can do for her, except be her friend and a shoulder to cry on.
She will one day, wake up and will have had enough, until then you just have to ride it out with her.
personally, I feel sorry for the child.

Answer 10

Deep down your friend probably already knows what this guy truly is and that there is no future for them.

And, sadly, there is nothing that you will be able to tell her that she doesn't already know. She will have to decide when to call it quits for herself. But, when she does, odds are she is going to be totally devestated, so just be a good friend and help her out with no "I told ya so's", etc.

Maybe now you can encourage her to meet new and better people by inviting her to church, or by joinng a book club or something that will occupy her time and help her get out.