I've been having sex with my boyfriend for over five months, and because havent fallen in love yet (he "doesnt know what it means"), sometimes i feel bad about having sex with him. this week i tried not having sex to see how i feel about the depth of our relationship, and i felt as if our relationship was inadequate and empty as i started to distance myself from him. this could be because i was simply acting a bit distant. mabe the emptiness was imagined while i spent the week doubting him and us. can anyone help sort my feelings about sex and our relationship and its status of "not in love, but care for eachother a ton" ??
2007-03-20 19:19:39 · 12 answers · asked by dancer87 1 in Social Science ➔ Psychology
hey guys, for your information, i'm 20 years old. many of you are talking to me as if i'm much younger.
2007-03-21 06:52:51 · update #1
It sounds like he avoids the subject of love which speaks volumes that he doesn't want to admit he isn't in love because he is still getting sex. If he doesn't know what being in love is, then he obviously isn't in love. A man in love lets his loved one know about it.
It shouldn't be up to you to guess but that sounds like that is what you are doing. Don't guess. Treat yourself with the love you deserve. He'll probably put out a few lame attempts to win you back but that is just because he doesn't want to lose a sure thing. Do yourself a favor and find someone who lets you know you are loved, that you are special and that he wants you in his life because he cannot imagine life without you. Real love is worth waiting for. It doesn't sound like you are in love either.
If your relationship feels hollow without sex then that is exactly what it is. When a relationship is based on sex the other areas of a healthy relationship do not grow and mature. A relationship that lasts is based on love and respect not just sex. Many factors hold a couple in love together in a committed relationship. The fear of being alone is not one of them.
Do what is right for you. There are a lot of good guys out there who do know what love is. Trust your instincts.
2007-03-20 19:53:27 · answer #1 · answered by ? 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It is perfectly normal. Don't worry.
Sex is more than a physical union, it is best enjoyed and truly beautiful when it is an emotional bond. The whole physical action is supposed to be symbolic of how your hearts feel (i.e. nakedness = transparency/honesty of heart).
So you feeling bad because you question his love is normal. He hasn't given you any indication of anything beyond just caring for you. Anyone can do that, I'm afraid. Even I can say I care for you and mean it but not be really serious about commiting to making you queen of my life. That's what brought about the negative sensations.
Then, because you both shared such an intimate physical bond, being without it brings the emptiness. It's also maybe because you feel guilty about the whole thing. You love the expression of love he gives you in bed but am also confused because you worry he doesn't love you.
While this is normal, I would advise that you continue what you're doing. Any romantic relationship should be based on mutual love and respect and this withdrawal will show you whether your boyfriend is serious about you or no.
If he is serious and maybe has commitment issues, he will be cool with you being less physical with him and who knows what could happen?
If he gets annoyed and irritable, then I'm afraid it might have been mere physical affection and friendly regard, in which case, you have to make a choice? Would you be okay with this kind of relationship or do you want more? I would encourage you to go for the more but again, your choice.
All the best.
2007-03-20 19:39:09 · answer #2 · answered by Studier Alpha 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What makes a relationship adequate? Do you need love for a relationship to work? Of course not, thats why you fall in love. Its a process, a bit like a freefall. First ask yourself, do you want to love this man? If not, well you wouldnt be posting then would you, so lets assume you do. Second, can you see him loving you? If he is nice to you and seems to care this is a good indication. If hes only interested in shoving his dick down your throat, well then it might not turn to love. If no love though, there is still lust and lust is good. Part of the purpose of a relationship is the sex. That is a fact, plain and simple. Cohering him to say "I LOVE YOU" to get into your pants is wrong and will only hurt you when he dumps your *** after finding some easier putang. Love and sex dont have much to do with each other. Love doesnt come from sex, but sex is better if you love them. Sex is always good, and lust is good to; but if there is love its something special. Remember a relationship isnt about love, its about friendship trust and sex. Love is what keeps you there forever.
Dont forget to think about it from his point of view. Love means forever, thats a long time. He probably doesnt even know which college hes going to, thinking forever is a scary and abstract thing. It wouldnt be healthy if he was hopelessly lost in love with you, he wouldnt get anything done. This doesnt mean he wont love you however. If he cares about you then you should support him, if you care about him. Let that seed grow and a tree will ripen with fruits and flowers. It takes time. Lots of it. It takes a life time, dont rush. Its these moments that lead to that long forever that matter, just enjoy your sex. If you do that and take care of him as he takes care of you, then you love each other and dont know it. But then again you cant, not till its to late and your saying goodbye at the grave. Thats when you know for real if you loved them. Only then...
Jebus Holy
2007-03-20 20:22:55 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well. I think you know that there's something not right about the situation. I would personally not have sex with someone that I didn't love, and who didn't love me back.
It sounds like it is also important to you that the two of you are in love if you are going to have sex, so maybe it is best for you to wait to have sex until you sort this out. Don't distance yourself though, just do other romantic things, and see if that spark is still there.
Perhaps, you guys just have a lot of sexual chemisty, and without the sex there's not that much to your relationship. The only way to really figure it out is to hold off on the sex, and see how you both feel.
I think it's great that you are taking the time to figure it out though. I think it takes a lot of strength of character to do that at this stage in your relationship. Just don't be afraid to accept whatever it is you figure out. It may be that you guys aren't right for each other, and that's okay. You'll find someone else. If you want to be in love to have sex, then you shouldn't settle for anything less.
You sound like a smart girl. Just take care of yourself, and do what feels right to you. It'll all work out if you do. Good Luck.
2007-03-20 19:38:12 · answer #4 · answered by Canadian Girl 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are afraid of finding out that he's not as invested in your relationship as you are and, at some level, feel the need to either be reassured or to start moving on to someone else who might.
You, like most women, feel that the best situation for you to be in is a permanent or, at least, semi-permanent relationship before sex is something you're comfortable with.
Part of this feeling may be economics and your belief that mothers should be provided for by fathers while she takes care of the kids.
So, to resolve this feeling of unease, you either need reassurance (believable by you) that the relationship is permanent or you need to be in a financial and emotional situation where you feel like you can provide totally for yourself if/when you get pregnant (planned or not).
One thing to remember though, if you choose the second idea, you're also more likely to decide that this guy is not for you and that you might be able to do better...
2007-03-20 19:34:32 · answer #5 · answered by Deathbunny 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You left out an important part of the sentence "and because haven't fallen in love yet". Who didn't fall in love yet, Him or you? If it's you, then you need to evaluate what you're getting from the relationship, and if it's enough. If it's him, then i hate to say it, he probably won't admit or commit to being in love.
Why should he? he gets all he needs from you without doing so.
There's no way anyone can tell you exactly what to do regarding circumstances we are not part of, but i can tell you simply to stop sleeping with people until you are sure you are in love with them, and they are in love with you.
Physical intimacy is only a small part of a relationship (although I'm sure it seems much more at this time in your life!) and you need to be compatible and secure with the persons you choose to share your life with.
Ask yourself- if this person was suddenly unable to have physical contact with me (due to injury or something) would you stay with them? Would he stay with you? If the answer is no, then maybe you're in this for the wrong reasons.
2007-03-20 19:43:54 · answer #6 · answered by JimsShip 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
to many people sex means a lot of things. it can represent how much to love them or it's pleasure kind of thing where you want to share it with special someones, or it can be just simply pleasure. for you right now i think that your like testing the water and trying to find out how importance is sex is in your relationship. i think there definitely not wrong with that. the best way to understand this situation is to communicate to your bf. communication is the key to a relationship. if something is bothering you, specially about your guy's relationship, you should open the topic to him. at least this way you can see what does sex means to him and other things that might come up. remember communication is the key. good luck. hope you find the answer you are looking for
2007-03-20 19:30:48 · answer #7 · answered by Chuck T 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Girl I know how you feel my ex and I went though the same thing. After being with him for 4 months I gave him my viginity, gifts etc, I was the perfect girlfriend and then in the 8th month of our relationship he told me he loved me and I was stupid enough to belive it . My parents didnt like us being together but , I fell in love with his ways. satisfied him in the bedroom against my religion , met his family, and bought him anything he needed then in our 10th month of being together. He made excuses saying that since my parents didnt like him he couldnt be with me anymore. And 1 wek after Valentines day he broke up with me.
I guess all I am trying to say is use wisdom when sex is tossed in a relationship it will get you messed up Pssy has power and so does C*ck, at times you can become addicted to it but if you dont have genuine feelings for the person why waste his time and yours and risk getting fcuked over when he finds someone he is in love with. Just get on top of your game and make sure you arent using him 4 sex or vice versa. Cause if you feel empty it aint love its LUST..
2007-03-20 19:57:31 · answer #8 · answered by sexxisha 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Okay, so go play with fire and see how you feel about the fire.
What are you thinking? Why continue to put yourself in jeopardy if you do not love the guy; you are just his F*ck buddy. Do yourself a favor and leave yourself some room to perhaps find someone who will not take advantage of you.
What if you get pregnant or he gives you and STD?
2007-03-20 19:28:47 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
it is very easy to mistake lust for love you do not have to distance yourself but you can do things that will not lead to sex avoid going to each others place find out the things you want to know about each other is there a future for you to get answers you will soon know if it is love lust or the flame is gone
2007-03-20 20:26:25 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋