I;m married 30 years and recently my husband has become violent.?

Question

He's a vietnam vet but I NEVER experienced his anger and temper towards me like the last month or so. He tried choking me and yesterday he whacked me good on my arm---no reason, the printer wasn't working and he took it out on me.. We are now empty nesters since last May, and maybe now he has more time to think about what he wants in the future and I'm not included in it. Do you think he wants me to make the first step to get out of his life? This will be devastating to my daughters sincemy oldest is getting married this June-- what should I don?--- No, I cannot live on what I make but there is spousal support in my state.

I asked him to go get help at the VA 3 weeks ago, he still hasn't and I didn't bring that fact up until last night when he punched me. Yes, I still do look like my avatar and three, I HAVE NO FAMILY ALIVE that I can depend on other than my daughters and I cannot and WILL NOT GET THEM INVOLVED IN CHOOSING SIDES!!! I would rather have him kill me than to hurt them anymore than they have been-- by the way, they think he walks on water and that I'm the culprit in this dilemma---I can't afford to even move out- he handles all the money, I have NOTHING IN MY NAME- he has all the cars and everything else in his name only---pretty convenient now that I think about it--- oh by the way, he ditched his married friends that he has hung around with for the past 20 plus years and now is hanging with some younger guys----is the writing on the wall?

we did just see letters from iwo jima which, with the soundtrack scared the crap out of me and I was never in a war-- it was too realistic---it did not phase him in the least bit-- not even a blink-- by the way, he has the purple heart for foolishly ignoring his commanders orders and rushing forward to save 6 men stuck ahead in a surrounded ambush... again,no emotion....just facts from him.....I'm getting really scared now.........

Answer 1

Violence is not ok in any situation. I would talk to him about counciling to work out whatever is going on. If this continues and he does not do anything to resolve this, the abuse can and most likely will get worse. Also remember he has to want to get help, no one can make a person do something they themselves do not want to do. Please do not make excuses for this man, vietnam was a long time ago and for the abuse to suddenly start there must be another reason for this behavior. The way I see it, your daughters would rather have you protect yourself so you can go to their weddings and be around to be a mother and grandmother. I am very conserned about the choking, this is not exceptable. I am sure your daughters do not want to attend the funeral of their mother. There are abuse safe houses that will help you make a safe plan to get out of a dangerous situation. They also have funds to help you get on your feet. If you have to get a divorce and go on with your life, it will be hard at first but everyone deserves to be happy in life. If you can get spousal support, you've earned it. Why waste it with someone who does not want you in his life or who is dangerous. And if he is choking you he is very dangerous. You can also try a trial seperation, but my only advise I can give you is to do whatever is going to keep you safe.
My situation is reversed, my daughter is in an abusive relationship and I am afraid for her life. I will be praying for you.

Answer 2

Community Property holds up in probably all States. You can
take one of those cars....and possibly get a title for it in ur
name. Look, I realize u dont want to throw 30 yrs down the
toilet, but whether its 5, 10 or 15 years..you don't stay with
an abusive man. It doesn't get better , it gets worse. If u don't
respect him, and he doesn't respect u...ur relationship will not
be healthy. It will turn sour eventually. Take all u can...and
take your pride with u. Plan ahead......get the car, the money
in the bank, whatever u will need. Your daughters need to
support u in ur time of need. If u have to go to a shelter for
battered women...do it. It looks good in your favour, by a
judge, and get alimony...everything u can. After 30 yrs....u r
entitled to half of whatever he has. You deserve it. Much Luck

Answer 3

You need to talk to a doctor yours and/or his to find out if there is any physical reason for the sudden change. There may be a medical reason but you need to be safe too. Try talking to him when he's calm and asking what caused his outburst. Tell him you're concerned about him. This can't just come out of nowhere. He hasn't recently read Rory Kennedy;s new book or anything about Iraq has he? Sometimes something brings up past war issues and causes Post Traumatic Stress that was long buried to come to the surface. Unfortunately it has to be faced and if it was suppressed it will come out sooner or later.

Answer 4

Well first if you have been amrried 30 years, you definately need a new avatar, because you don't look like that! :) Second, talk to him. If you have been married 30 years, then obvioulsy you should know communication is everything in a relationship! He is the only one who knows why he is acting this way. Tell him he needs to cut it out, if he doesn't tell him to kick rocks and move on. I don't quite understand why after 30 years he would suddenly take a huge turn, but hey men are weird. And normally a mans attitude takes huge plunges when something is up....cheating...secret...etc. So talk to him and find out what hes got to say.

Answer 5

Tell him to get anger management and see if this helps, if not then you have to search for someone else without him knowing. Or think of moving in with parents and if thats not possible then you have to call the police if he hits you again or call a womens assault line in the front of the yellow pages and charge him with assault. Its not easy and you can apply for housing through the government to get a government regulated apartment and do it all on your own. What else can you do, you life is more important than the difficulties he can cause for you. Make up your mind, follow your heart and do what is best for you, take care Heather

Answer 6

Hi ok before you throw 30yrs of marriage away
suggest to him that he needs to get some anger management.If he refuses than get your kids involved talk to them tell them what is going on
have a family meeting let your daughters talk to him they are adults they should know .Maybe once he knows that they know he will feel embarrassed of his actions and chances are he will never lay his hands on you again!

Ok I'm still here reading what you added on the next time he hits you call the police get them involved ,have him arrested,Find out what you can
do about all being in his name try to get that changed,you were his wife for 30yrs you are in titled to something if not half!

Answer 7

When any one takes a physical turn against a spouse or family member it is imperative that you remove yourself and the children.. There usually isn't just one incident. This will quickly let him know you will not tolerate further and get help for you and the children. Once you are in a safe environment, therapy can if agreed on be started. A Sudden onset of such events could be anything from medical / physical challenges he is unaware of (undiagnosed) such as a brain tumor, or other neurological problem etc. or flashbacks that may have been triggered someway.. I was with the USO during Vietnam.
Many of these men are still dealing with Post Traumatic Stress, and maybe dissociated. It could be anything.. but, uncharacteristic behavior, I have a deep feeling he has been verbally abusive, and this is no new abuse.. if you have good communication in the marriage otherwise, encourage him to seek a physical and see if a medical problem is underlying first. It could even save his life,and your marriage.
I lived 26 yrs with a rageaholic.. i saw a lot of friends end up with broken ribs and other problems in their marriages.. i thought i was lucky..
But, finally wised up.. too late.. Since then
I have become involved in helping others in abusive situations after long therapy myself..
also, i know you probably don't want to "cause problems" or "hurt him".. and may minimize the action he took.. but, get it recorded with the police.. Some places make anger management treatment mandatory and if you chose to remain with him this needs to be addressed now! and if you head for divorce important too. Don't bank on spousal support even married as long as you have... I got zip...after 26 years nothing!
and, i thought i planned when I left. and had an attorney..
No one for any reason has the right to harm or take out frustrations they have on another.
there are other ways to vent that are healthy..
Don't be an enabler either by making excuses for his behavior.
My new husband just commented to me "it's not worth staying with a guy like that", when he read your question.
It won't be easy either way for you.. Marriage is an important commitment, but, your first one is to your safety..
I left a very financially secure life, but abusive one, to be homeless.. to be safe. there are womens shelters, how about short term family and friends..? My heart goes out to you what ever your decision.. good luck either way.. and stay safe..!
PS. there is a better life out there too if you decide to divorce or leave, you make it what you want.
PPS. I just read your follow up... HONEY GET THE HECK OUT OF THERE! and why in the world do you think you are not worthy of being treated like a viable human being.. It isn't about taking sides, it is about saving your life!. if your children are so shallow not to see that, and worried about their wedding plans. I wouldn't go to the wedding.. sounds callous but they are not worthy not protecting their mom.. I had too to chose. They will chose sides like it or not . if you were in my area i would take you in ... If your children aren't family , then what are they ???? do you belong to any church? , talk to your church leader ask for help, if not there are some faiths out there that practice what they preach and help others not of their faith.. seek one out..

Answer 8

Don't throw away 30 years just like that - if you feel you are in grave danger go stay with a relative or friend and bring his butt to your doctor or a therapist - there may be something going on with him physically or emotionally for this to just start suddenly a month ago. Try talking to him about it at a time when things are quiet and relaxed.

Good luck.

Answer 9

I strongly suggest that you leave as soon as you can before it gets worse. Once he lays a hand on you, it's going to happen again and again. Each time, the violence will increase a notch. You owe it to yourself to feel safe, loved and cared for........... He has issues that only he can solve. Protect yourself. Love isn't suppose to hurt this way. If your State has Spousal Support and whatever assistance you can get from other resources, go for it!! Your life is worth every effort. Good luck! Also, please never, never ever think it's going to get better..........it won't!!!!

Answer 10

The above posters do have good suggestions, however I have to question if this sudden change in behavior is the result of a medical (e.g. neurological) or psychological problem. You may want to encourage your husband to seek help from a qualified professional. Although the behavior is hateful, its impetus may not be. Good luck to you both.