My fiancee is a serious computer geek- he's extremely talented with computers and software, far beyond anyone I know. Today I discovered something interesting, though- I have more experience and talent using the program Adobe Photoshop, and was lightly teasing him about it earlier. This evening, he made it a point to showcase the photoshop talents of someone he used to know who uses the program for web design and other things, pointing out the detail and emphasizing how "she did it all herself". I'm curious- do you think he did that to "win" by association? Is it because he knows someone more talented than I it somehow makes up for the fact that he isn't? I ask because the showcase made me feel rather small- there are precious few things that I am better at than he, and everytime I discover one, he seems to do something similar to this episode. Is he being malicious and trying to bring me down, or is he just trying to save his own ego?
2007-03-20
17:46:54
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11 answers
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asked by
Robin J. Sky
4
in
Social Science
➔ Psychology
dogsrspd- I appreciate the fresh perspective. I guess it hadn't really dawned on me how much my teasing may have hurt.
2007-03-20
18:00:53 ·
update #1
bidwoodenhead- though most of the input was nice, your last comment made me a little miffed. I call him a "computer geek" very affectionately- to us that is most certainly NOT a term of belittlement, and he already knows that.
2007-03-20
18:18:46 ·
update #2
sorry, didn't mean to offend you, ill remove that last part-- i wasn't sure of the situation, if he was aware of you calling him that, or how he felt about it. you should ask him, just to make sure. i think i was just trying, i'll admit much to poignantly, to illustrate a point. i just took it a little too far. sorry again.
one possibility is that he was just trying to show you some stuff you thought might be interesting, but came off as a smart-***.
another thing to remember about computer geeks- while they may be exceptionally gifted at computers, they sometimes lack in many other areas, and feel the need to strongly defend what they are good at. its the same thing with super-jock athletes. stronger than an ox, faster than lightning, and dumber than a box of hair. they compensate by showing off their strength by picking on people.
so be careful before you start cutting him down for this. he may be asking for help in his own way.
also, isn't the fact that you're posting this here you trying in your own way to 'win?' if you've got a problem, go talk to him! this is going to be a hard marriage if you take every little problem you have and dump it on yahoo answers for everyone to tell you what to do.
you've got to stop looking at every thing done in a marriage as a competition. the two of you aren't in this for individual 'wins.' you're in it to 'win' together. he's going to be your husband. instead of feeling ashamed that he may be better at something, be proud that your soon-to-be husband is as good as he is at what he does. the two of you are going to be part of a team, so brag our *** off about his accomplishments. viewing that from a guys perspective, if my girlfriend/fiancee/wife went around telling people how great i am at something, you can not possibly even begin to conceive how great that will make him feel about himself, and by association, you and the marriage. being part of his team, you take half credit just for being his wife.
also, about the teasing. don't ever tease, nothing good will ever come from it. chances are, as a computer geek kid, he probably was made fun of a lot. don't let him associate you with bad memories. my guess is that you do it not for fun but (sub)consciously because you want to "level the playing field." you can make fun of him for being or doing whatever, and call it teasing, or you can smash his thumb with a hammer and call it teasing, the bottom line is that it still hurts like hell.
2007-03-20 18:12:58
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answer #1
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answered by bigwoodenhead 3
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It's a question of the competitive spirit. He's just trying to assert that he's a lot smarter than you. He's also trying to stir up some jealousy from you by comparing or praising this other computer miss-know- it all. It takes more than a lot of intelligence to figure out how to use the computer.
A good loving relationship should be one of mutual understanding and respect. He should be your greatest friend and supporter. If his teasings become malicious. If you feel being "put down" ; then it's time to put down the law.
Tell him how you feel and don't appreciate this derogatory behavior of his. Let him feel the brunt of your displeasure.
A keen sense of humor can only go so far. for well intended fun.
2007-03-20 19:18:07
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answer #2
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answered by rosieC 7
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You said you were "lightly teasing" him.
Teasing is a form of bullying and putting people down.
He "mirrored" you and you got back what you gave.
I'm trying to say this nicely. Just be sweet and don't put him down and feel defensive, now you know how it feels.
Now, go back and fix it.
G'day
2007-03-20 17:56:33
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answer #3
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answered by Anonymous
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Intolerance blended with fanaticism. I consistently questioned if people like this (no count what they're on the soapbox approximately)think of it is extremely an efficient approach of having people to hearken to you, i think of it has the right opposite consequence. he's basically being previous impolite and downright disrespectful - the action outweighs any words he might say one hundred-fold.
2016-10-02 12:03:32
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answer #4
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answered by ? 3
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He is quite proud of his ability with the computer and considers himself a whiz when it comes to computers. When you point out to him, somewhat maliciously perhaps, that you are more proficient than he is with photo shop and adobe you are attacking his castle or his ego. He will therefore retaliate to try to make you feel small.
2007-03-20 18:00:42
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answer #5
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answered by don n 6
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he is not used to being outdone in such an area - his own ego was hurt and you rubbed it in. in turn, he tried to show you that someone else was better than you are - this boosted his ego because we feel better when we knock others down . he was a jrek, but he did it cuz his feelings were hurt, not so much to make you hurt....
2007-03-20 17:57:18
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answer #6
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answered by jennainhiding 4
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sounds to me like he is trying to keep you under him. i think his ego is getting hurt that you can do or know something better then him. it is childish of him. i don't know how you could handle this. if you bring it up to him he might just get angry about it. they way i look at everyone else around me is that everyone has at least 1 thing that they can do better then me and if i find out what it is i will try to learn from them if i can.
2007-03-20 17:55:51
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answer #7
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answered by Sean M 1
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I find this a bit strange. I think it is his insecurity showing. He should praise you for the things you are good at and not try to show you up. Just insecurity on his part, I think.
2007-03-21 01:23:17
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answer #8
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answered by vanhammer 7
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Don't you dare blame it on yourself - I feel he is belittling you and doesn't want to really acknowledge you in anything - That is a form of sutile control on his part and that is not healthy for a good long lasting relationship
2007-03-20 18:11:38
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answer #9
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answered by pattijohughes 3
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he is putting you down, trying to make himself superior over you. Look out. He'll always have to be right.
2007-03-20 17:57:11
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answer #10
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answered by winkcat 7
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