I just dumped a man because I do not want to play mom for his daughter.Does that make me bad or honest?

Question

I liked him for years,our relationship begun a month and a half ago.I knew he has a daughter from his previous marriage.Mom has custody.We started going out together.He started bringing his very-active-three year old daughter everywere,almost imposing her presence to me.We even had to sleep all three together.I told him I am not the motherlike woman, not even a child person,my life is too active,too demanding,too quick and I like it as it is.No room for children,specially if they are not mine,specially if they demand MY time.He did not understand,(I USED THE EXACT SAME WORDS).He kept trying to "impose her"to me.Yesterday I asked him to leave my house, take her with him and forget about this relationship.(that said in the most polite and clear way possible).He still says this is not how it meant to be,that the child cannot always be with him,that he can make it work for both,as if he have not heard a word of what I said!Why people do not seem to understand simple words?What is wrong?

Answer 1

Right on girl! The child and the child's mother will benefit from your choice as well as you do. It is the FATHER who is nuts for doing that to his child and simply assuming that his new girlfriend would be a fill-in nanny. That is why ex-wives get so worried and nasty during the visitation times with Dad. They don't know what the heck is going on with their children, and sometimes they suspect the worse - and I guess they are right !!!! That's child's mother would have had a COW is she had known what was going on with her baby during visitation.
You were honest, and don't worry too much about the idiot father who lets his lover sleep with his baby altogether in the same bed - that is too sick. As the PARENT he should know better.

Compassion for an active toddler usually grows because of watching that baby grow and being close. Kids - even our own - can be very tiring and demanding. He shoud not have expected a miraculous and instantaneos bond between you. Nobody should expect instant intimacy from anyone - which is what that very selfish father was imposing upon you and his child. Kids - especially kids from a broken family need tons of attention since they are emotionally needier. That means even 'more' patience and understanding. How could he in his right mind expect that to happen by imposition? It should have gone much more slowly.

While you made a mistake with him, you now have the experience. Next time try to understand how valuable children are to 'decent' parents and if I may say without insulting you - as a rule of thumb divorced men (especially those with minors) are not good news - also they are divorced for a 'reason.' Be proud that you didn't take it further, since you have more brains than the father does. I wish more women/men thought such things through more sensibly. Kids need tons of love and patience. You have to be interested in the job to do it well. Now you know how much devotion and self-sacrifice is needed to be a good parent. In the long run it is a 'kindness' to leave them - especially since you have never even had your own kids - it is much harder to read them, and not fair to have to learn with someone else's unless you feel you can, and want to do so. It is not fair to the children especially.

Answer 2

Give yourself a pat on the back. You definitely did the right thing all the way around. You didn't let the relationship go too far and get too complicated. You saw the problem immediately and knew what you had to do. Honey, if the child is only 3 years old, then I can only imagine what the next 15 years would have been like for you if you had tried to make it work - - - even if the child was with her mother most of the time. Don't lose any sleep over this decision - - - you are honest and in my opinion, very wise.

Answer 3

“No room for children,specially if they are not mine,specially if they demand MY time”
And yet you dated a man who you knew from the beginning had a child? WHY?

“We even had to sleep all three together”
Well, I don’t know what the h*ll he was thinking, but that was TOTALLY inappropriate. If I were this child’s mother I would have pitched a fit.

There’s nothing wrong with not wanting children and not wanting to get involved with people that have children. And in your case, I’d say that’s a very wise decision, because frankly, it doesn’t sound like need kids in your life at all--not to be harsh, but just being honest.

But, here’s what you need to do: DON’T DATE MEN WITH CHILDREN! Then you won’t have these problems.

Answer 4

Here come the thumbs! Thank God he chose his comittment to his daughter over a selfish spoiled, little immature witch like you!! If you knew he had a daughter and you felt like that, then why waste both their time and even begin a relationship that would possibly psychologically damage two lives, if not more? You liked him for years? For what? Did you think he would be so smitten with you he would just dump his daughter and say Hey, you just stay with mom? Everybody's life is too active, too demanding. Just ask any mom, or any dad. Sheesh, did your parent's feel the same about you? What is wrong that he would even be so stupid as to jeopardize the welfare of his child by being around someone like you. Kids sense everything. You did them both a favor. Too bad you couldn't do yourself one.

Answer 5

The problem is yours. You knew him for years, and that he had a daughter and that you were not the motherly type. You seem to be pre-occupied by personal time, and therefore not able to share it with the necessities that child raising requires.......so why did you begin a relationship with this gentleman. You asked for it!

All three year olds are active..mine is. It makes you a poor decsion maker based on all the facts you had prior to initiating a relationship. It doesn't make you bad, or reflect on your honesty.

You would never be able to separate me from my children, nothing is more important in my life, so quite honestly, I would have left you.

Answer 6

What you did was be honest and there is nothing wrong with that. Women are still stereotyped as wearing an apron, cooking long hours over a hot stove, and having two toddlers hanging on their legs. Many women nowadays lead as busy a life if not more than the men are. It has to be individual choice to be around kids. You choose not to. Many men(even young ones) are not going to be able to understand or accept that. With the number of split households you may experience quite a lot of that. Continue with your honesty.

Answer 7

I think you have some serious jealously issues. Why are you spending the night in bed with him while she is there? That should just be common sense. If spending time with his daughter instead of you is "imposing", than I think you should move on. This man is too good for you.

Answer 8

Well you shouldnt have to put up with the child if the mother has custody. But you also shouldnt never want to have anyhting to do with the child either. If you expect your husband to never see his own daughter then you are in the wrong. Whats if this situation happened to you when you were little, did you watch the bones episode when Seeley's ex wife threatened to take his child away? Think about it

Answer 9

you were being very selfish. you knew that he was not a dead beat dad, and was active in his child's life. cause you knew him. but yet you; chose to explore a relationship with him anyway. And when you couldn't get all the time and attention we now have problem. Girl life is not always about you. one day you may have a child and a man may treat you or your child the same way. then the bad part about it is when it happens, you will be dumb enough to stay with the man. wondering why he treats you so bad..................................................... ( reap what u sew).....remember life is about giving, all that child needed from you is the same thing you need from everybody else. LOVE, RESPECT,CONSIDERATION. ......and if you can't give that to a child how in world can you give it to anyone else....or even expect someone to give it to you.

Answer 10

Well I would assume that he wants to be a part of his childs life. If you want to share a life with him .. the kid kinda goes along with the package. If you want to have a relationship with him you dont have to be another mother to the child but you will have to share some of the responisibility. If you want no part of it its probally better then you dumped him and move on to someone else that is looking for the same lifestyle that you are...... anyhow.. good luck :)