How do you begin the healing process when you lose someone?

Question

My mother passed back in October and I am having a hard time getting passed her death. I am almost obsessed with it, you could say. My sister refuses to talk about the day she died. She doesn't want to think about it she says. Well, it's all I can think about. I made a difficult choice. Now i'm not sure if it was the right one. That day plagues my dreams, my every waking moment, and is now beginning to affect my relationship with her and my little brothers. I feel as though I stole my mother from them when all I wanted to do was ease her pain. I feel guilty. Should I? The longer I go on without talking to my sister, the more I feel like I am drowning in my uncertainity. How do I move on from this? Sometimes I feel like this was one of the most defining moments in my life, more so than the birth of my daughters. In that one moment, I became a different person. All I can remember is how she looked when she died, not how she looked when she laughed, how she smelled, the good things. Why?

Answer 1

you turned off life supprt didnt you? You have nothing to feel guilty about. You loved her enough to end her suffering. I admit, you are more brave than I am. I love my mother dearly, at the same time I would never wish her more suffering b/c I couldnt let her go. I am sorry your sis isnt as "forgiving" . She may harbor guilt b/c of an event or verbal fight she may have not resolved . Give your family time. Once they have dealt with their feelings they will see more clearly. And realize you werent trying to hurt them. But that you didnt want your mother to hurt.
Time will eventually heal all wounds. Give them space and time. I am proud of you for putting your mothers feeling ahead of your own.You are truely a great daughter.

Answer 2

You are going through, I would say one of the most difficult things there is in life and nothing or no one can ever prepare you for it. That's why it comes as such an utter shock.....like having your heart ripped out.

Everyone deals with grief differently....as you say your sister cannot talk about it...this is HER grief. You are going through your OWN grief.

The early days...and these can go on for many many months are filled with the death....your emotions are all over the place.
It all feels so unbearable.

Cry when you need to cry, talk when you need to talk but also...TAKE TIME OFF....in other words, make sure each day you have something else that you must focus on....no matter what it is. Otherwise it becomes all consuming.

Try writing a letter to your mother and say everything you want to say...be it good OR bad....this can really help the healing process.

Grief is a journey that cannot be sped up, it takes its natural course. Try to imagine you are riding the waves of grief and go with it....don't fight it....don't compare your grieving experiences of length of grieving time with others....it doesn't work that way.

Know that each wave that passes brings you a step nearer to acceptance.

The memories of how she looked when she died WILL be vivid for a while....but in time, that passes and then the real memories come back.
If you need to, seek bereavement counselling which can also help.

I WISH I could wave a magic wand and make it all right for you but there isn't one.....like the pain of your labour...it must go on till it is done.

I lost my lovely dad 5 years ago and the shock and horror of that will never leave me but now I am living with it....you will too.

Best wishes, thinking of you.

Answer 3

It will get easier. You will never forget it but it won't hurt as much as time passes. I was with my Mom when she passed and think about those last moments all the time. Just cherish the times that you had together, talk about them. I too changed the day my mom died and I've never been the same. That spark in my heart died that day.
Try to keep yourself busy with other things. If you are unable to do anything else then see a doctor.

Answer 4

Why do u feel u stole your mother from your sister and brother(s)? I have been told grieving is a slow process. I am still not over the death of my mother either and it has been almost seven yrs. Seems like only yesterday. I need counseling but unable to afford it.

Answer 5

My mother died unexpectedly in 1991 when I was 34. It was the hardest thing that I have ever gone through. I grieved solid for over three weeks, and it took me months to quit thinking about it. Everyone deals with death differently, and it seems as if your sister is not dealing with it at all. She will be the one that never comes to grips with it. Leave her be and don't talk about it, eventually she will want to talk, and you will be able to handle it because you have already dealt with it. And you will be the one to help her through it, I promise. Talk to your sister, but respect here wishes and talk about something else. One day you will both be able to talk about your mom. I promise.

Answer 6

My mother & I were very close & when she passed, I felt guilty because I wasn't there. I had a family in another state. I was the bread-winner. It would help if you talk to people outside your family. Therapist, clergy, friends. Talking helps. If you want to talk to me, e-mail.

Answer 7

Accept the reality and must remeber that you will also one day leave the world.