In a world where no one remembers she exists
She wants to be the one, the one whose name you chant
As she steps toward the mike
Dreams like waves crash
Violently into rocks
DESTROYED
In the crowd she stands
Knowing she could do better
Looking up at those who have lost their glitter
Now she stands guitar in her hands
And upon the stage rips open her veins
Under the light she bleeds
With each cheer dying that little bit more
Pain flowing out to entertain the masses
Dead dead dead
What a fool to think this is what she craved
Beyond her reach now is the life she once lived
And now I urge you to take her place
To sell your soul and stand upon the stage
In the crowd she stands
Knowing she could do better
Looking up at those who have lost their glitter
And tonight she is plotting their demise
So rise up against those stars that no longer shine
And knock them from their throne
Bask in your own glory
In the crowd you stand
Looking up at those who have lost their glitter
Knowing you could do better
You could do better
You could do better
2007-03-20 12:08:59 · 12 answers · asked by jadescorpionbite 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
I don't want you to just say it sucks or is really bad, just on the basis that you write poetry and think you know better.
2007-03-21 10:40:02 · update #1
I think that it is sad. I would like to encourage you to continue writing poetry and to congratulate you on having the guts to let others criticize something that is as personal as poetry is. I especially liked that it was not a rhyming poem and that you repeated some lines to give them more emphases.
Good Job!
2007-03-28 06:20:31 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hmm... Sorry, I didn't really like it.
It sounds like you are writing poetry just to write poetry. I write poems, and was even given an award for best poet at school (whatever.) But something that I've learned is that you have to write about something you feel. I think that when you wrote this you were trying too hard, way too hard. Only write poetry when you are overwhelmed with some sort of emotion, love, hate, anger, disgust, confusion...anything. It will make the words flow better, and readers will connect to it more.
2007-03-25 22:41:13 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
I'm confused by most of it. I don't understand the main character's actions and I don't understand the placement of this ghostly 'you' that fades in and out and doesn't seem to have a clear definition of who 'you' is. The reader? A person the narrator is speaking to? It's confusing to thrust the reader into a poem and then thrust him back out without purpose.
I like the repeating lines, but they need some context. Not just some vague creed to live life by chanted by I'm not sure who.
The trick with telling a narrative in verse is you still have to pack all that narrative stuff in tightly into lines that turn meaningfully.
I also think you could utilize the energy of some of these lines better by breaking the line in some unconventional areas. These are all end-stopped lines which kind of choke off the forward acceleration that, I think, wants to happen in this poem.
If you want to learn more about the craft of poetry, get Lewis Turco's "Book of Forms." It is a veritable toolbox and desk reference for composers.
Cheers!
2007-03-27 17:26:07 · answer #3 · answered by Nathan D 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It is a thoughtful and thought-provoking poem. I am a bit confused about her wanting to plot the demise of those who have lost their glitter, as they are no threat to her now. The word DESTROYED breaks up theme of poem; a distraction.
2007-03-20 19:15:10 · answer #4 · answered by beez 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
She should be humbled by their demise. However, she seems vague and confused. Or is that me at the end of the poem? " And now I urge you......" I really "got" your poem up to that point.
2007-03-27 00:10:54 · answer #5 · answered by Monica 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
i personally think you should have kindof like a rhyme pattern to it, because even though its good already it could be even better.
2007-03-28 16:24:25 · answer #6 · answered by thumb_almighty 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
ummmm......sorry. it's really bad and the topic is just too odd. and that's very hard to do, believe me i know, i write depressing poems all the time.
peace
2007-03-20 19:29:45 · answer #7 · answered by Shadow Lark 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
It,s not a bad poem, she seems to seek something and ones
she has it ,is not satisfied with her results.
2007-03-20 19:22:43 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
it's str8, but i don't like how u kept repeating u could do better at the end
2007-03-28 13:08:14 · answer #9 · answered by msk2jazzy4u 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I like it! I have never really liked poetry but that was good.
2007-03-20 19:22:11 · answer #10 · answered by dew_angel 2 · 1⤊ 2⤋