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its called "walk away"

I don't want to hear it,
so just stop,
close your mouth,
and just walk away,
even if it's just for the day,
at least I'll have some serenity,
without having to be pestered by you,
can't you see,
I don't sympathize,
the words that come out of your mouth,
it seems like gibberish,
trying to comprehend what you enunciate,
feels like,
I'm trying to understand bird talk,
I've tried so hard,
to understand you,
but it's just not functioning,
maybe some other day,
I'll finally get you,
but for now,
please just let it be,
and walk away.

What do you think? Do you like it? could u please rate it from 1 to 10. OH and should i replace the word, "functioning" with the word "working" or just leave it alone?

2007-03-20 10:25:54 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities Philosophy

14 answers

8

I think it's great poem. If I were you, I'd change it to 'working'. Don't know if you've discovered it yet... but take a look at www.poets.com to get your work reviewed, or www.poetry.com to submit your poem for publication and awards. I'd love to show your poem on my website, www.thedeviantrose.com, so please feel free to submit your work if you'd like to.

Katie

2007-03-20 10:33:11 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

For the most part it seems like a prose instead of poetry. The punctuation is weird; commas shouldn't be at the end of every line. Poetry is generally flexible on what is allowed and what isn't, however that is just a little weird.

If you fix a few things here and there such as the flow from line to line and create a better rhythm it could be a 7 or 8.

As for changing functioning to working, do it for now, however you might want to change it once again once the rest is editted.

2007-03-20 17:57:21 · answer #2 · answered by garyr_h 3 · 0 0

I'd give it a 5. You have no rhyme scheme, no pantameter, and it doesn't flow. Also, there should be some other punctuation in there besides commas--how about a period after every reiteration of the title? The word 'functioning' is clumsy and misleading; 'working' would be better, or even 'happening'.

If I was an English teacher worth my creds, I'd give it back and tell you it needs more work.

2007-03-20 17:37:34 · answer #3 · answered by shoujomaniac101 5 · 0 0

First and foremost, kudos to you to opening yourself to criticism.

I really like and can relate to the concept of your poem but the flow is really off. It reads like a run on sentence and didn't actually finish one thought before going to the next.

I am somewhat reluctant because I cannot determine your age and would never want to discourage you from writing. If I had to guess I would have to say you are pretty young.

With that said, I give it a 5 with the potential for growth.


Writing is therapy and you are comforting yourself with your words. I see that as a good and healthy thing. Keep at it, you are on to something, even if it is only for yourself.

2007-03-20 17:59:06 · answer #4 · answered by jerzybuckeye 3 · 0 0

7
bonus point for using the word "pesturing". You lose a point for spending so much reiterating the same point. You should maybe expound upon your feelings. Tell a story within the poem.
No, don't get rid of functioning. It's a good word.
It seemed to really have structure. You put so much personality into it, with all those unique words and phrases.

2007-03-20 17:36:28 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1 0

I'd give it a 7. It was really good, but it has to be a lot stronger.um...ya, you should replace the word "functioning" with the word "working".it would be better. Great job!!

2007-03-20 17:35:41 · answer #6 · answered by Liza 2 · 0 0

I would give it a 5 - good and honest emotions being expressed but you could present them with better rhythm and flow. Remember that people like to "speak" poetry and not just read it so take that into account. It's like a song without music.

2007-03-20 17:40:25 · answer #7 · answered by Veritas 7 · 0 0

i would give it a 6.2, but that's because the rhyme scheme isn't marked. Ummm, functioning should be changed to working as it flows better with your poem, ya know

2007-03-20 17:30:25 · answer #8 · answered by dialanche2 2 · 0 0

dear! a poem is not a complaint, is a feeling that comes out of your heart and it is said in just one line!

call the guy and tell to F.O it wulod me u feel better!

2007-03-20 17:31:33 · answer #9 · answered by cua13 2 · 0 0

I would take functioning out because you don't refer to anything it describes. Other than that.....6

2007-03-20 17:30:50 · answer #10 · answered by Candi H 4 · 0 0

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