Can you please read this poem i wrote. And tell me if its good.?

Question

Soldier
Hush child, do not weep.
For Daddy has not departed.
He still is in your heart,
In every part of your soul and spirit.
He’ll continue to sing in his hypnotic tone.
During the tempestuous darkness.
He’ll embrace you in his glowing passionate arms,
And provide you with tenderness and affection you lust.
Hush child, do not weep.
For Daddy is in eternal rest.
He is in a promised land, with gates made of pearls,
With harmony, blue skies, and bliss.
Hush child, for Daddy died fighting.
For he fought for you.
He was a hero, a patriotic fool.
He moved with might, and potential.
Every step he took, he thought of his little daughter.
If he’ll ever observe her naive grin,
Ever perceive his name from her pleasant and satisfying lips,
Ever clasp her tightly into his thirsty arms.
Hush child, do not weep.
For Daddy loves you.
Daddy wanted you to be free, never have to sing like the cadged bird.
He desires you to extend your wings and fly.
Hush child, do not weep.
For Daddy was a warrior.
Stand with pride, and hold your head up.
Be proud, have trust, stand tall and bold.
Hush child, do not weep.
For Daddy was a soldier.


Pleease? Any negative criticism plezzze. I want to make this poem really good, pleeeze tell me points were my poem is weak and what you suggest i dooo. THANKS :)

Answer 1

omg. i had tears in my eyes. i am serious. that's a really good poem. i don't have any negative criticism. the only thing i can say is to keep rewriting it because every time you rewrite it you'll find things that you can make better. keep writing!

Answer 2

Okay, not really my style but I assume the subject matter has personal significance. As a poem it doesn't have a metre at all: that's the beats to a line - gives the poem its shape and structure. The shock and force comes when the form is broken. Shakespeare wrote in iambic pentameter(much of the time), it went
di-dum di-dum di-dum di-dum di-dum
"Let me/ if not/ by birth / have lands / by wit
All with/ mee's meer / that I / can fash/ ion fit."

He added extra sylables, changed the stresses, lost sylables etc to create emphasis and dramatic results. All poets do it, they chose their own metre, their own structure and own form and stick to it. Or purpusefully break out of it.
Each of your lines has a different number of sylablles with different stresses - 5,8,6,10,12,9,12,14,5,9,12,8,8,5,11,8,13,9...
no pattern.

I'm no poet but I think its necessary to find a form, leave it to the great poets to manipulate the forms. Maybe find a book on it, there's a new one called The Ode Less Travelled by Stephen Fry that has had good reviews, I was going to get it myself.

I'm sure whoever it's for will really like the sentiment though, it could be really touching. This is only my opinion, don't hold it against me :p. Good luck.

Answer 3

depends on your audience--if you just want to invoke an emotional response from well-meaning people, your poem is fine. if you are aiming for something beyond sentimentality, there are things you can change:

"glowing" is an odd word to describe arms--

more importantly, i would try to describe specific things this daddy would do with his child, rather than generalized "tenderness and affection."

your heaven is also quite generic--why not imagine a heaven that would in some way reflect the man who is daddy--heaven sounds a bit boring...

and why not show specifically what he will miss--this is a father/child relationship here--i want to see something more than a generalized smile or hug he'll miss.

believe me, it may seem counter-intuitive to be so specific--people want EVERYONE to relate--believe me, the more concrete details you include, the more we care, the more we feel, the more we will relate.

you might play with keeping it all in the present tense as well...

You have a great beginning.

Answer 4

Nice story line and nice punctuation throughout the entire poem.

I would work on the rhythm from here to there, but for the most part is is well written. Such as from meter 5 to 6, it is a little shaky. If you wish to change the rhythm that dramatically perhaps a new stanza would better fit.

And I totally disagree with Buk, line-breaking on 'The' or 'And' is definitely allowed in poetry.

Answer 5

I like it, its a good poem.

uhh just somethings like word choice can be changed. For example the 7th line up, i would use another word for desire. And the 9th line from the top, i would change the word lust. I think its a weak word for that line. Yes, other than that I liked the repetition and idea. Good luck with it.

Answer 6

Mechanically, you need to work on your line breaks.
End each line with a powerful word that continues the theme on the next line.
Avoid line-breaking with words like The or And

Answer 7

i will not write a poem maximum days, yet then each each now and then thought will come and that i'll come back heading in the right direction. that's precisely what's going to ensue to you, because i do not imagine you'd be able to quit writing. desire you're feeling slightly more beneficial useful. x

Answer 8

I don't like the lying to the child, saying daddy hasn't departed when he has.

Answer 9

The poem is nice. I think, though, that you used the words "lust" and "perceive" incorrectly.

Answer 10

i loved it, i cant think of anything i would change, this could definitely be something that would be sent in those inspirational messages to army wives and families. Really moving!