Why do women stay with men that beat or abuse them?

Question

My neighbor across the street beats the heck out of his wife. We offered to help her many times. She has called the police on him and every time, right before his court date she drops the charges and moves back in.

One of my friends, or should I say ex-friends, works out of state and he is showing serious signs of cheating on his wife, a good friend of ours. He is messing with her head, by the way he acts and treats her. He won't "touch her" if you get my meaning, and he hides his cell phone from her in his boxers while he sleeps. He won't leave the room when she has access to his cell phone and before he lets her use it, he deletes stuff off of it, as she says. Why do women stay with deadbeats like this? Don't you realize these men aren't deserving of you? These guys aren't worthy of any relationship. Get out and stay away!

You've all given some great insight on this. The first post seems to sum it all up, so they get BEST ANSWER. Friend does seems very insecure about herself...I don't think she's scared of him, this isn't the one that gets beat...He lives in a hotel room, so I don't see a judge giving him custody if she left him for his cheating, if it could be proven...bluemist - She's a beautiful woman and she wouldn't have any problem finding a MUCH better man. maybe she just doesn't realize it yet...She's threatened suicide if he leaves?? WTH? If it was me, I'd threaten suicide if he stayed any longer...Ken J.- I'm with you, this guy is a freakin coward and so are most that do this sort of thing...she has tried changing everything for him and its still not enough, but she still wants him for some reason...i hate undies - me too :) & lesmodee - and congrats for getting out!!... kitkat - I agree, the new home, his paychecks and start over with an EPO against him if he threatens anything. Thanks all!

Answer 1

I-N-S-E-C-U-R-I-T-Y

Answer 2

Have you ever wondered how many of those women have expressed the very same sentiment that you have? More often than not, they meet the guy and he is a total prince charming. How was she so lucky to have met such an amazing man? Even her friends and family say so. Then it starts. Usually, it starts with verbal and/or mental/emotional abuse. He must just be stressed at work, and she *has* put on a few pounds lately. So, she tries harder to be what he wants. Afterall, she is soooo lucky to have such a wonderful man. She can handle if he is ocassionally blunt. He starts to isolate her. Sometimes by acting hurt or irritated when she goes out with her friends or with her family. Other times, he is such a jerk or so annoying to her friends and family that they start avoiding coming over. He convinces her that he is the only person who *really* loves her. He even has proof now that she has no friends or family to talk to. Whether he's cheating on her, physically violent, mentally/emotionally abusive, financially abusive, or any combination of those, he never starts out that way. If he did, she WOULD leave because she still has self-respect and pride at that point. He erodes her self-worth and love over time until she doesn't feel like she deserves any better than she gets from him. Add to that that she now probably has friends and family who are talking about how stupid she is for staying. Well, since that's how he feels about her and how her family and friends feel, she must truly not be worth loving. Everyone is telling her what to do and calling her names if she doesn't do what they tell her to do. How is her family any better? Atleast he feels bad about it when he hurts her. ******** For people who aren't or haven't been abused in a relationship, it is easy to see how wrong the actions of the abuser are and that there is no logical reason for the abused person to stay. However, the abused is not in a logical frame of mind. That's what abusers do. Just because we know that the abuser doesn't love the person they abuse, it doesn't mean that the abused person doesn't love the abuser. And non-abused people truly do not understand the manipulative abilities of abusers. Sadly, like the words of this question, most people who aren't and/or have never been abused don't think it through before they start talking about abuse. They go in with their own ignorant biases and wind up doing more harm than good. Would you mock a person who is physically handi-capped or call them names? If not, then why do you feel that it is okay to do so to people who are emotionally handicapped? Especially since they were emotionally handi-capped by someone who supposedly loved them.

Answer 3

I see this all the time. What seems obvious to most of us is not visible to the person being abused. They feel trapped, stuck and unable to flee for percieved reasons ranging from financial, to fear, to kids. These people see no way out. I'm amazed how they always say "But I love him!" through bloodied, swollen lips. I've seen these women stand by "their man" through courtroom trials, sometimes downplaying their injuries in a confused attempt to protect the abuser. Fortunately the evidence speaks for itself, but unfortunately these folks get together again and the vicious cycle repeats itself. The person being abused gets so messed up they don't seem to realize what kind of danger they're in. The "honeymoon phase" afterwards blinds them. Lack of self esteem is also a major factor, they think if they leave no one will have them. Of course nothing could be further from the truth. It's nice you're a haven for her. Call 911 when you feel it's appropriate. Keeping her as safe as you can is the best you can do for her.

The second one is a more subtle form of mental abuse and control. Again, they feel the same helpless, trapped and self esteem issues as the others.

Answer 4

They stay often because they are co-dependent and lack self esteem. They have not had their fill of this bad treatment. Often they grew up in dysfunctional homes where this type of abuse was common. They often see it as normal. They believe the deadbeat when he says he will change. They often stay till he kills them. Abuse is a cycle, the abuser want to isolate them from family and friends, he has them afraid, convinced that they cannot get away and they believe it. They are tired, exhausted and accept the treatment until they become so scared or tired that they finally do something about it. Often they have no where to go. Give your friends the number for the local Domestic Violence hotline and suggest that they go there and talk to the counselors and learn about the abuse cycle. That is all you can do. They must break this cycle themselves.

Answer 5

Trust me on this, it is not as easy as walking out the door. There is so much crap that you don't see, and no-one except her does. If he beats her, then the emotional abuse is amazingly bad. I know this sounds weird to someone who has not been beaten, but you feel guilty about it and the classic "I can change them" or "he'll never do it again" crap comes into your mind on a daily basis. Be a friend to her and YOU call the cops when you hear it happen. She is so far down the hole already that she will not leave without help. No it is not because she is weak, it is because she is scared and lonely. BE A FRIEND. That is what she needs.

Answer 6

Sometimes in cases like this they(women) are afraid of their husbands. They(women) know that is not the best way to live a short life but yet they are too afraid to back off. In some cases some women are too used to being beat up all the time by their husbands. In one case, very successful wife and husband, husband beats his wife whenever he is drunk and wife just sits there and get beat up. Husband acknowledged his problem and got help. One night, middle of the night, his wife woke him up and handed him a baseball bat. She said "I can't sleep!! Why don't you hit me couple of time?". This is a true story. I was shocked. They still live together as I speak. This is a serious mental illness. These people need support and need professional help. I asked the wife why she put up with the abuse and she said "I don't know what else to do. I am so used to it, I don't know what else to do".
Sad....and helpless.

Answer 7

I think a woman like that is beat down so much that she thinks low of herself and believes what the man is doing to her is the way she should be treated...its so sad because good guys would never do that to a woman and its the bad guys getting all the girls so to all you abused ladies out there runaway and never look back find yourself a wonderful guy life is 2 short don't let a freak beat on you!!

Answer 8

They stay because of a number of things. Fear of their partner. Fear of being on their own. Fear of being a failure. They've been programmed to feel this way, by the men, and not many are brave enough to walk out on that kind of life...if you can call it that. The ones who stay usually end up beaten to death. Sad, but true. These women have lost all dignity and self confidence, and many won't have a word said against their controlling partners. I have nothing but praise and admiration for the women who do finally break away

Answer 9

People who are abused physically or emotionally stay with their partner due to life's experiences that they have been through. No supporting family or friends, low self esteem, no self worth,depression,finances,nobody to turn to for help,children, scared of being all alone,not having a job. It is easier said than done. Getting up & leaving your home. Not knowing where you are going to end up.Think about it.People are good to judge you & criticise you but not willing to help you emotionally or financially. Til you have been in their shoes nobody will understand it.

Answer 10

Its because these type of men bring these womens self esteem so low to the ground that the women feel like they CANT get anyone else ever..and that they arent good enough for anyone else other than these loser men. Or the men have threatened their life or the life of her family so shes afraid that if she leaves hes going to kill her,,,,,in which case that does happen more too often. Sad situation.

Answer 11

Women who stay with men like that don't have the self confidence that they can take care of themselves. Making them believe they are weak or worthless is one of the first things an abuser does to his victim, even before the abuse. Also, abusers are usually very charming, which leads the women to think that maybe it was something they did that made them act that way. It's sick, but it happens.