Need advise from retired military spouses. My husband retired from the Marines almost 7 years ago.?

Question

He still has problems coping being a civillian. He expects things to get done the first time he says and gets very angry if it doesn't get done. He knows he has problems, but refuses to get counseling, because that's a sign of weakness. He's on me and the kids constantly and it drives me nuts! There have been times where he has literally driven me out of the house for the day due to his moodiness. When I come home, he'll be in a better mood, but go right back to the way he was. Have any of you wives gone through this, or have any of you retired Marines done the same as my husband, but had gotten over it? We've been married over 20 years and have two kids. Military spouses or retirees only please.

Just to note.. my husband is only 44 and he does work. He is in a supervisor position in government. And I have seen the movie The Great Santini many times with him. It's one of his favorites, but definitely not one of mine. Thanks for your input and keep them coming!

Answer 1

When you spend 20 years in an environment of control, precision, and perfection it is hard to change from that. I was active duty for about 10 years and am now serving part time in the National Guard. I am a Desert Storm era veteran, my son is a Marine Infantryman and is a Iraq war veteran of 2 times. I was a military brat and my father is a Vietnam war veteran. I understand the military very well.

Your husband is still in a sort of transition from the military life to civillian life. His personality likes order and control. He probably won't change that and I would not expect you to try to change that. Somehow, however, he needs to learn that the expectations he sets for himself and others is crossing a boundary. It is OK if he wants to control his life in this way but it is unreasonable for him to expect others to be the same way as him.

One thing I am concerned about is your fear of him. His control and anger is used in a way to control you and everyone else you both are close to. But, I also suspect that he can be a very nice guy and quite acomodating to complete strangers. He might be more forgiving of others than of you and the rest of the family. Why the double-standard? He has a captive audience.

People with issues of control and anger are covering something up emotionally. Whether or not they know it they are conciously or subconciously responding to a way they were treated or against an injustice that happened when they were younger. In order to survive they learned to control themselves and other. In order to have power over fear and hurt they learned to cover it up by anger. This type of person is perfect for the military. But, in social situations it is problematic.

Unless your husband learns how to work through this on his own he probably won't because it's always worked for him. Why change? You, on the other hand have some things you can do. For example, you can take care of yourself. There are a few resources I would like for you to look at and the first one is a book called "Boundaries" by John Townsend. I've left you a hyperlink, below. Get the workbook to go along with it.

Also, even if he won't seek counseling you need to talk to a counselor to learn how to take care of yourself. I am not insinuating anything negative nor am I recommending that you separate from him. You must love him deeply and I am sure he is a wonderful person. Sometimes, the only way to make change is in making changes with yourself. You do not have to accept his behavior or give the 20 years of military life as an excuse for him. So, get the book, set some boundaries, and hold him accountable for any actions or comments which are unreasonable. The book will help you.

The other resource, which might be good for you to watch, is a movie called "The Great Santini." This movie is a bit heart breaking in that it shows a man who thrived in the military but his issues of control hurt his family and others who came in contact with him.

Well, that's all I have for now. Remember, you are a person of value and a person worthy of respect. Don't forget this.

Answer 2

I retired recently and face some of the same difficulties, but not quite as bad. I retired from a disciplined business career and it's hard to break old habits. I also was raised in a military household(Dad was a 33 year veteran US Army Colonel) and mom went through a rough time too. She was never able to get him to change. You got ready to go anywhere in 30 minutes or less and chow times were 7:30, 12:00, and 5:00 religiously. Think of it this way, you went through years carrying on a certain routine with what you do as far as day to day routine. It's no different than him, only his life has probably been much more disciplined. We are no different than training animals. When you get used to a way in life it's not normal to change that. It's not to say that you have to live a life of hell. Mom got to the point that she just did things the way she wanted to and learned to ignore his remarks or opinions when he disapproved. They still claimed to have a wonderful marriage even though half the time he claimed he thought she needed to go to the doctor for hearing problems because she didn't seem to hear him when he was trying to complain about something.

(PS - she found that by crying every once in awhile made him realize he stepped over the line that got an immediate apology from him)

Answer 3

As a retired army person, who served 22yrs, I was
sort of controlling to my wife as for the last 7yrs
before I retired I was in charge of over 100 sol-
diers and I constantly told them what they needed
to do. When my wife talked to me and told me how
it was bothering her I then realized I was not in the
army anymore and I had to change and not be so
bossy and telling her what she needed to do all
the time because with her being my wife she knew
what she needed to do as she did her responsib-
lities as being my wife.
In the Marines it's a tougher life being in the mi-
litary, and even though I was in war, sometimes
different men take civilian adjustment a little
longer to adjust.
If your husband has a good buddy that is also
retired maybe he can talk to him in a way to get
your point across and that might help, as you say
he will not go to counseling.
If it still a constant problem then maybe you and
him need to have your seperate space so he can
realize that he really needs to change. He does
need to get back to civil married life as he has
been out for 7 yrs. This is something that you will
have to think on as if he is still the same after 7yrs
then he could be a danger to you and the child-
ren because of his moodiness. Talk to him again
and have his buddy talk to him about seeking
counseling, and if he persists in not getting any
then give him some space by living with your par-
ents for awhile and let him know you just can't
take the way he is anymore and that he needs to
do something about it because it is effecting the
family as a whole the way he is now. Good luck.

Answer 4

I know you asked for spouses of retired military only...BUT...

I just wanted to tell you that I have already given thought to my husband having this same problem. He got out before and hated civilian life and so rejoined (prior to meeting me) so i wonder what kind of a time he'll have assimilating into civilian life once he retires. I've head of this happening before to other people and I thought your question/situation required a response from me, just to say so.

I've given you a star, and I'll be watching for the responses so that I can learn how to deal when my hubby retires.

Good luck! God Bless America!

Answer 5

My husband is a Marine. hes kinda like your hubby,but without the bad mood.He is a perfectionist,and when something needs to be done he does it.I dont know what is it.The marine Corps changes them Alot.They are use to doing everything the right way.I'm sure he will get used to it.Or that's just the way he is now.Try seeking counseling

Answer 6

It is not hard to change at all.

He needs to adjust. He MUST realize that civilians are not even close to being Marines. He HAS to lower his expectations.

But he may need some consistent counseling.

Show him my post. Tell him that he is out of the Marines and as much as we would all like people to be like Marines, they ain't. He needs to adapt and overcome, just like all Marines are good at doing.

Otherwise, Marine, you risk losing all that you fought for.

Answer 7

the thing you need to remember is the military molds and changes the person to fit their desires, I work with alot of military retires, but none sound like your husband, I would assume he isnt working, the people I know obviously are working, maybe he is just bored and needs to do something because military life is schedule orientated

Answer 8

He should be able to adjust after seven years. He should really seek counseling!