Heres 1 of my poems Let me see what u think?

Question

I try to see beyond this darkness that sits before me. Evil is twitching in my eye's and Love is burning out of my heart. Im as black as this dark shadow staring out of this gold light. My hope has gone, my feelings are cold, as though my love for this evilness has gone down so deep into my light of gold.

Answer 1

Wow! i couldn't of written that! I like the way you use colors to describe your feelings. That was awesome!

Answer 2

Not bad though you might want to consider placing your focus on just one theme. There seems to be a lot going on in this poem and I think it would be better to, perhaps, take just one of these sentences and build off of it.

For example, "My hope has gone, my feelings are cold. . ." is more than enough for a book. It takes a lot to beat the hope out of people. Question: How did the NAZI's get the Jews to walk willingly to the poison gas showers? Answer: The Jews had a glimmer of hope that it really would be a shower even though they had had nothing but terror from the Fascists.

I'd like to see another one with just one topic.

Good luck

Answer 3

It does sound a little forced. Maybe try expanding it and telling us the reason you feel this way. It really doesnt have any emotion. Are you really that evil? I sure hope not.

Pax - C.

Answer 4

That's really good! I really like how you describe your emotions and use colours. It's a bit short but you might not want it to be any longer. I think it's great

Answer 5

It's like so low quality..you simply seem to explain your feelings, you leave no trace of mystery...

Answer 6

It's okay..But it sounds kind of Phony